Fleeing domestic abuse help.

Spoonie_Stitch_Lover

My dad and I have been facing domestic abuse at the hands of my mother for many years. We have been thinking about leaving for a few months but we don’t know how to. We our both disabled adults, receiving high pip on both, and UC with LCWRA. Financially we aren’t well off and have zero savings. We also have six cats that we’d like to keep, and get away from her too. 

Things just keep getting worse and we have both hit our breaking points. Physically and mentally we’ve hit our limits. 

Is there help out there we can get?
How do we access help?

elsien

Unfortunately, your pets are likely to be an issue. Your starting point would be to approach your local council housing officer to ask for support as vulnerable adults. They would then decide what your priority was, but realistically it may be temporary housing which is unlikely to accept pets. 

Presuming that you are renting, is the tenancy in both your parent’s name?

Support for men suffering from domestic abuse is harder to come by; You could look for any local organisations, Otherwise, these people may be a starting point. 

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

Bluebell1000

Cats Protection may be able to help with temporary cat fostering, see https://www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/cp-lifeline

Spoonie_Stitch_Lover

elsien said:

Unfortunately, your pets are likely to be an issue. Your starting point would be to approach your local council housing officer to ask for support as vulnerable adults. They would then decide what your priority was, but realistically it may be temporary housing which is unlikely to accept pets. 

Presuming that you are renting, is the tenancy in both your parent’s name?

Support for men suffering from domestic abuse is harder to come by; You could look for any local organisations, Otherwise, these people may be a starting point. 

Parents own the home with a mortgage and I live with them rent free.

We really don’t want to loose the cats as they are important to us, and help keep us going. 

We’ll make an appointment with the council and see what can be done. 

Spoonie_Stitch_Lover

Bluebell1000 said:

Cats Protection may be able to help with temporary cat fostering, see 

We really don’t want to loose them at all 😭

theartfullodger

Sorry to read your story.

Your local citizen's advice should be able to advise.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/wales/about-us/contact-us/nearby/

Police?

Good luck and best wishes.

Herzlos

If your dad owns half of the house, then he shouldn't be leaving to temporary accommodation if it could be avoided. It'd be worth him talking to a solicitor though Citizens Advice may be a suitable start.

I'd also be trying to get some evidence of the abuse and talk to the police. It'll be stressful but the best long term solution.

Your mother doesn't have any kind of power of attorney or control over finances that would cause further problems?

Spoonie_Stitch_Lover

Herzlos said:

If your dad owns half of the house, then he shouldn't be leaving to temporary accommodation if it could be avoided. It'd be worth him talking to a solicitor though Citizens Advice may be a suitable start.

I'd also be trying to get some evidence of the abuse and talk to the police. It'll be stressful but the best long term solution.

Your mother doesn't have any kind of power of attorney or control over finances that would cause further problems?

I will let him know.

No, in fact he has power of attorney over her. 

elsien

If there is, power-of-attorney can be revoked very easily. 

ian1246

Spoonie_Stitch_Lover said:

My dad and I have been facing domestic abuse at the hands of my mother for many years. We have been thinking about leaving for a few months but we don’t know how to. We our both disabled adults, receiving high pip on both, and UC with LCWRA. Financially we aren’t well off and have zero savings. We also have six cats that we’d like to keep, and get away from her too. 

Things just keep getting worse and we have both hit our breaking points. Physically and mentally we’ve hit our limits. 

Is there help out there we can get?
How do we access help?

I would really really encourage you to report it to the Police (I m a Detective in my local forces Reactive CID). Most forces are now very proactive with domestic violence and will generally immediately act to arrest the perpetrator. Depending on the risk level they will either then look to interview & Bail her from custody, with relevant bail conditions to protect yourselves (not to attend the address, not to have contact directly or indirectly etc...) in order to allow them to go to the Crown Prosecution Service for a charging decision, once the investigation is complete, whilst she is on bail.

Alternatively, if the risk is deemed to be high they may seek a charging decision from the Crown Prosecution Service whilst she is in custody with a view to remanding her to the next available court - the difference there would be if she is charged she would have court bail conditions on her, which are substantially stronger than Police Bail due to amounting to a criminal act if breached.

For a charge to be authorised, the burden of proof which the prosecution has to hit is "Beyond Reasonable Doubt" - which if I had to put a figure on it would be 90%+. If both yourself and Dad were to give statements, I would say it is a pretty high likelihood that this burden of proof would be met (especially if there are supporting pieces of evidence i.e. photo's of injuries, diary, previous disclosures to other individuals or other professionals i.e. GP or support worker etc...). 

If you do report it to Police, ask for a Crime Prevention Officer to attend your address to review it for target hardening i.e. additional locks on the doors and windows, smoke alarms, panic alarms etc... - this is standard practice with High Risk Domestics.

Regardless, they may also give consideration to applying for a Domestic Violence Protection Order which would grant you a period of respite of 14-28 days, if allowed by a court. The burden of proof which would need to be met for this would be a "Balance of Probability" (i.e. 51% likelihood that violence has happened).

The difference between a Domestic Violence Protection Order & a Charge is a DVPO is not a criminal matter - once the DVPO expires after 14-28days, that's it - there is no criminal sanction (provided the DVPO is not breached). Its whole purpose is to buy time for the victim of domestic violence to be given a window of opportunity away from the abuser to engage with other agencies (such as council/housing!) and other professionals, as well as reconsidering the relationship and whether they will support a criminal investigation.

The downside of it is that a DVPO has to be initiated by Police - meaning you need to report the violence for the Police to be aware of the issues and to then allow them to consider a DVPO - even if you then don't support a prosecution. That IS an option (reporting but not supporting) btw - its entirely common for incidents of Domestic Violence to be reported to Police with the victims not then supporting action or willing to give evidence. In such a scenario, there is still a positive obligation on the Police to seek a prosecution wherever possible (I.e. going "Victimless" and being "evidence led") and to put in-place safeguarding (such as a DVPO). Provided you consent to referrals to other agencies, the Police will then share the report with the other agencies (Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub) - such as the NHS & Council, including Housing. That may lend some additional weight to any subsequent housing application you put in.

You shouldn't have to flee your address though. As noted by others, your pets will be the big issue. There are a handful of Domestic Violence Charities which may have links to pet charities which could perhaps house your animals whilst your provided a refuge - but this very varies region by region, to say nothing of the support available for men fleeing domestic violence.

Please do consider reporting to your local Police - they will absolutely take the Domestic Violence seriously (its not at all uncommon these days to get reports of Domestic Violence from men). If your Mum is doing this to you and your dad, its really not Ok and she needs to be dealt with criminally.

Spoonie_Stitch_Lover

ian1246 said:

Spoonie_Stitch_Lover said:

My dad and I have been facing domestic abuse at the hands of my mother for many years. We have been thinking about leaving for a few months but we don’t know how to. We our both disabled adults, receiving high pip on both, and UC with LCWRA. Financially we aren’t well off and have zero savings. We also have six cats that we’d like to keep, and get away from her too. 

Things just keep getting worse and we have both hit our breaking points. Physically and mentally we’ve hit our limits. 

Is there help out there we can get?
How do we access help?

I would really really encourage you to report it to the Police (I m a Detective in my local forces Reactive CID). Most forces are now very proactive with domestic violence and will generally immediately act to arrest the perpetrator. Depending on the risk level they will either then look to interview & Bail her from custody, with relevant bail conditions to protect yourselves (not to attend the address, not to have contact directly or indirectly etc...) in order to allow them to go to the Crown Prosecution Service for a charging decision, once the investigation is complete, whilst she is on bail.

Alternatively, if the risk is deemed to be high they may seek a charging decision from the Crown Prosecution Service whilst she is in custody with a view to remanding her to the next available court - the difference there would be if she is charged she would have court bail conditions on her, which are substantially stronger than Police Bail due to amounting to a criminal act if breached.

For a charge to be authorised, the burden of proof which the prosecution has to hit is "Beyond Reasonable Doubt" - which if I had to put a figure on it would be 90%+. If both yourself and Dad were to give statements, I would say it is a pretty high likelihood that this burden of proof would be met (especially if there are supporting pieces of evidence i.e. photo's of injuries, diary, previous disclosures to other individuals or other professionals i.e. GP or support worker etc...). 

If you do report it to Police, ask for a Crime Prevention Officer to attend your address to review it for target hardening i.e. additional locks on the doors and windows, smoke alarms, panic alarms etc... - this is standard practice with High Risk Domestics.

Regardless, they may also give consideration to applying for a Domestic Violence Protection Order which would grant you a period of respite of 14-28 days, if allowed by a court. The burden of proof which would need to be met for this would be a "Balance of Probability" (i.e. 51% likelihood that violence has happened).

The difference between a Domestic Violence Protection Order & a Charge is a DVPO is not a criminal matter - once the DVPO expires after 14-28days, that's it - there is no criminal sanction (provided the DVPO is not breached). Its whole purpose is to buy time for the victim of domestic violence to be given a window of opportunity away from the abuser to engage with other agencies (such as council/housing!) and other professionals, as well as reconsidering the relationship and whether they will support a criminal investigation.

The downside of it is that a DVPO has to be initiated by Police - meaning you need to report the violence for the Police to be aware of the issues and to then allow them to consider a DVPO - even if you then don't support a prosecution. That IS an option (reporting but not supporting) btw - its entirely common for incidents of Domestic Violence to be reported to Police with the victims not then supporting action or willing to give evidence. In such a scenario, there is still a positive obligation on the Police to seek a prosecution wherever possible (I.e. going "Victimless" and being "evidence led") and to put in-place safeguarding (such as a DVPO). Provided you consent to referrals to other agencies, the Police will then share the report with the other agencies (Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub) - such as the NHS & Council, including Housing. That may lend some additional weight to any subsequent housing application you put in.

You shouldn't have to flee your address though. As noted by others, your pets will be the big issue. There are a handful of Domestic Violence Charities which may have links to pet charities which could perhaps house your animals whilst your provided a refuge - but this very varies region by region, to say nothing of the support available for men fleeing domestic violence.

Please do consider reporting to your local Police - they will absolutely take the Domestic Violence seriously (it’s not at all uncommon these days to get reports of Domestic Violence from men). If your Mum is doing this to you and your dad, it’s really not Ok and she needs to be dealt with criminally.

No physical harm done.
Only psychological, and throwing things that don’t make contact.
It’s more the abuse side of things rather than violence, so no evidence of any wrong doing. Do we are likely to not be believed.