Ashamed and Upset

ashamedjelly

Hello all. 

Long time lurker, first time poster. 

I've drafted and redrafted this message on and off for about 6 months. However my financial situation is now so dire that I can't bury my head in the sand any more. 

The story is the same - I have overspent over the past 10 years, and whilst initially affordable, interest rates and the cost of living situation has made my debt repayments untenable. I am in no way trying to justify my debt - I am a grown adult and it is me and me  only that is responsible for my debt - but we have had a long journey of infertility which culminated in 8 rounds of IVF. So desperate was our need for children that nearly all of this went on credit cards and loans. 

The current situation is that I am £103,160 in debt at the age of 43. I have a good, secure job that pays well - I am fortunate enough to bring home six figures annually. My debt is a mixture of credit cards (7), personal loans (2) and consumer credit (3 accounts). Servicing these debts is now costing in excess of £3k a month, coupled with nursery fees of almost £1k a month (yes, the IVF eventually worked on the last roll of the dice), a mortgage of just over £2k a month and other bills that just seem to be going upwards, means that not only do I have no money a month to live off after my outgoings, but I've a shortfall of almost £1k that I am continuing to borrow in order to stay afloat. I do not live an extravagant lifestyle - my only treat is getting my hair done by a friend every 6 weeks. We haven't been on holiday abroad for 11 years and most of my clothes are second hand. 

I have a joint mortgage with my husband. We are with Natwest and have no plans to move - although would like to do some house improvements within the next 10 years but certainly not a priority at the moment. We have around £200k equity in the house. My husband is unaware of my current financial situation. I fear it might lead to him leaving me if he knew the extent of my debt. 

I have been exploring my options and believe a DMP is the best solution, which I would like to manage myself. I have found StepChange to be quite difficult to deal with. At the moment, all of my accounts are up to date and I have a no arrears or missed payments. My credit file is apparently "excellent" but I am not eligible to move any credit card debt only 0% cards. I realise that a DMP will tank my credit rating, but as we are not looking to move and have no immediate plans for house reno work then I have made peace with the fact that it will be rating will be crushed for the medium term. 

My SOA is below. I guess I am just looking for some moral support, how to manage a DIY DMP and deal with the all-consuming shame that I am dealing with every day. The thought of cancelling my direct debits and defaulting on everything makes me feel quite sick! Thank you. 

Household Information

Number of adults in household........... 2

Number of children in household......... 2

Number of cars owned.................... 1

Monthly Income Details[/b]

Monthly income after tax................ 5264

Partners monthly income after tax....... 2197

Benefits................................ 0

Other income............................ 0

Total monthly income.................... 7461

Monthly Expense Details[/b]

Mortgage................................ 2088

Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 0

Rent.................................... 0

Management charge (leasehold property).. 0

Council tax............................. 254

Electricity............................. 178

Gas..................................... 0

Oil..................................... 0

Water rates............................. 36.9

Telephone (land line)................... 0

Mobile phone............................ 55

TV Licence.............................. 14

Satellite/Cable TV...................... 177

Internet Services....................... 0

Groceries etc. ......................... 400

Clothing................................ 50

Petrol/diesel........................... 150

Road tax................................ 21

Car Insurance........................... 33

Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 40

Car parking............................. 25

Other travel............................ 0

Childcare/nursery....................... 948

Other child related expenses............ 200

Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 35

Pet insurance/vet bills................. 45

Buildings insurance..................... 38

Contents insurance...................... 33

Life assurance ......................... 37

Other insurance......................... 0

Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 40

Haircuts................................ 60

Entertainment........................... 100

Holiday................................. 0

Emergency fund.......................... 0

EV charging............................. 50

Disney Plus............................. 6.99

Dog food................................ 40

Amazon Prime............................ 8.99

Spotify................................. 13.99

Total monthly expenses.................. 5177.87

Secured & HP Debts

Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR

Mortgage...................... 370000...(2088).....4.98

Unsecured Debts

Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR

Halifax CC 1...................7954......267.......0

M&S CC.........................4313......116.......0

Halifax CC 2...................4561......210.......0

Next...........................2243......140.......0

Paypal.........................3353......150.......0

Shop Direct....................2614......120.......0

Novuna Loan....................17500.....398.......0

Tesco Bank Loan................21860.....455.......0

Barclaycard....................8044......326.......0

Lloyds Bank....................8038......343.......0

Virgin Money CC 2..............7750......218.......0

Virgin Money CC 1..............14930.....455.......0[

Total unsecured debts..........103160....3198

Monthly Budget Summary

Total monthly income.................... 7,461

Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 5,177.87

Available for debt repayments........... 2,283.13

Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 3,198

Amount short for making debt repayments. -914.87

sammyjammy

Congrats on the successful IVF, if your husband doesn't know how does he think the IVF was paid for?  Does he have debt of his own in addition to what you've lsited.

People will try and help, try not to take the advice personally, there is no judgement here, most of us have been in debt and needed some type of assistance at some stage.

Rob5342

There's no need to feel ashamed, lots of us here have got into debt. You've made a great step in deciding that you are going to address things, it took me 11 years to get to that point.

Paying £2,283.13 towards a £103160 debt will clear it in less than four years which is a good amount of time for a DMP. Is the £400 on groceries what you have actually been paying or what you hope to spend? With three of us we'd struggle to spend less than £100 a week on groceries.

Stopping paying and getting defaults is the first step. Interest is then frozen and you have a clear date when your credit report will be clear, you can then focus on repaying them. While you are waiting for defaults put as much as possible into an emergency fund to cover any future expenses.

It can seem daunting now but there are ways you might be able to speed things up in the future. Once defaulted and sold to debt collectors you will be able to make reduced settlement offers when you have spare money available.

I started a DMP three years ago when things felt really low, but I've completely turned things around now.

Grumpelstiltskin

Cable TV £177 per month? That needs reducing drastically. On top of that I can see Disney Plus Amazon Prime and Spotify,  You need to seriously decide what you want, there is a number of places you can cut back easily.

Rob5342

You do need to assign some money to an emergency fund to cover the roof springing a leak etc. 

powerspowers

Could you talk to your husband about the debt? It must seem incredibly scary but you’ve already been through a lot together. 

Well done on starting to address things. It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. 

agentblackcat

Hi Ashamedjelly. 

I'm in a similar position to you with a similar debt amount. I have just started the journey in December. At least half of my accounts are now defaulted. I honestly feel so much better now. I feel in control and I know it going to take forever to repay things but I have never felt as good as I do now. Read the pinned threads, they helped me so much. 
You need to stop paying your debts. I think you need to speak to your husband, you can explain you have a plan.

Also I think like others have said make sure your budget is enough to have a life. You don't want to spend the next few years living really tight. So make sure you have enough to comfortably live on. I also recommend when you stop paying debts until defaults, save money into an emergency fund, you might need it for future repairs etc. 

I also will be managing this as a self managed dmp. Anyway good luck and I look forward to following your journey:)

kimwp

No need to feel ashamed! It's just money. I do question why you are responsible for the debt when it was for the children, but that's your choice.

The SOA becomes more complicated when one person in a partnership takes responsibility for addressing the debt - it shouldn't have your partner's income or their outgoings- just what you pay towards the household outgoings (with a note about what % of the total this is), plus your personal outgoings. The fact you want to address it in secret means there will be limitations to what cut-backs you can make.

pallyman

You say you have one car & fuel £150 then say £50 ev charging,do you have 2 cars.

Rob5342

agentblackcat said:

Hi Ashamedjelly. 

Also I think like others have said make sure your budget is enough to have a life. 

This is a good point. You need to make some big changes to be able to pay everything off, but if you allow yourself a few luxuries then that will help keep you motivated to see it through without increasing the length of the DMP by too much.

ashamedjelly

sammyjammy said:

Congrats on the successful IVF, if your husband doesn't know how does he think the IVF was paid for?  Does he have debt of his own in addition to what you've lsited.

People will try and help, try not to take the advice personally, there is no judgement here, most of us have been in debt and needed some type of assistance at some stage.

Thank you for your kind comment. I did have savings before IVF so he believes the numerous rounds were funded by that. I didn't have the heart to tell him those funds ran out after the first two unsuccessful rounds.