Ashamed and Upset

ByzantineByron

In addition, have you checked if you are eligible for any help towards childcare? You can get 15 hours from when the child turns 9 months and the limiting thing is a **NET** household wage of under £100,000 a year, so might be worth checking.

EssexHebridean

Yes - whatever anyone says to you, absolutely do NOT look at remortgaging to clear consumer debt. 

sonnet72

I similarly couldn’t tell my husband about my debts , just kept putting it off until….. I had a stroke! And whilst waiting for the ambulance and screaming in agony because my head hurt so badly, I told him….. he kinda didn’t have any choice but to be sympathetic but i realise now that by just making sure he had all the information necessary, he could handle it and I wish I told him earlier. As now I’m thinking he probably thinks I would have kept it from him if I never had the stroke ….
 By the way that’s virtually impossible when all the red notices start coming in

ashamedjelly

Hello everyone, happy Monday. 

A little update for you. I finally came clean to my lovely husband! You were all right - initially he was very shocked and went out for a walk to clear his head. But he came home and said that he couldn't be mad with me because ultimately the debt I have paid for our IVF and as a result we have our two beautiful boys. I went through my plan to do a self managed DMP and he is completely onboard with it. We've spent our evenings this weekend setting up excel spreadsheets to monitor the defaults and dates of letters and gone through an I&E with a fine toothcomb. We have a joint mortgage so I explained that his credit report might not look very rosy for a little while but he accepted that - like I said we have no plans to move, do any house renovations for at least 6 years etc. Last night I slept better than I have done for months. Thank you everyone!!

Now, the hard work starts. I've cancelled all of my direct debits for my debt, but having already paid them this month it'll only be October that the letters, emails, texts and calls will start. I've calculated that I can pop £2,000 a month into an emergency fund and live comfortably. My phone is out of contract so I've moved this over to a sim only deal on Vodafone for £11 a month, plus I've meal planned for the week and will shop only for the specific bits I need, which will cut down the grocery shop. Sports and Cinema and HD have been removed from the Sky Package so this is now under £100 a month. 

I'm a bit nervous of the next few months, but feel completely ready to tackle it now. Honestly, for the last 4 years it's felt like I've been treading water, but in a thick substance like tar instead. The terrible cycle of debt has made me feel so ashamed of myself, worthless even. I'm glad to have found friends in this forum, and I'm looking forward to proving to you all that I can do it. 

kimwp

ashamedjelly said:

Hello everyone, happy Monday. 

A little update for you. I finally came clean to my lovely husband! You were all right - initially he was very shocked and went out for a walk to clear his head. But he came home and said that he couldn't be mad with me because ultimately the debt I have paid for our IVF and as a result we have our two beautiful boys. I went through my plan to do a self managed DMP and he is completely onboard with it. We've spent our evenings this weekend setting up excel spreadsheets to monitor the defaults and dates of letters and gone through an I&E with a fine toothcomb. We have a joint mortgage so I explained that his credit report might not look very rosy for a little while but he accepted that - like I said we have no plans to move, do any house renovations for at least 6 years etc. Last night I slept better than I have done for months. Thank you everyone!!

Now, the hard work starts. I've cancelled all of my direct debits for my debt, but having already paid them this month it'll only be October that the letters, emails, texts and calls will start. I've calculated that I can pop £2,000 a month into an emergency fund and live comfortably. My phone is out of contract so I've moved this over to a sim only deal on Vodafone for £11 a month, plus I've meal planned for the week and will shop only for the specific bits I need, which will cut down the grocery shop. Sports and Cinema and HD have been removed from the Sky Package so this is now under £100 a month. 

I'm a bit nervous of the next few months, but feel completely ready to tackle it now. Honestly, for the last 4 years it's felt like I've been treading water, but in a thick substance like tar instead. The terrible cycle of debt has made me feel so ashamed of myself, worthless even. I'm glad to have found friends in this forum, and I'm looking forward to proving to you all that I can do it. 

That's great news, it's brilliant that you are working together on the plan.

Sea_Shell

Great news.

It sounds like you are able to tackle this together, as a strong team, and can both take on board what needs to be done and be singing from the same sheet now.

You also sound very organised, which will help, as it becomes an "admin" task, and knowing what's what will give you all the information and data you need to stay on track.

Have you also started a spending diary, going forward?   Just to backup what you believe your outgoings are, and flag anything that could potentially slip through the net.  

Grumpelstiltskin

Great for you telling your husband, and great he accepted it.

Don't panic if you get any phone calls just delete the numbers, E Mails, texts, delete them but just open any letters you get through the post and file them.

Under no circumstances speak to any of your creditors on the phone, if you do by mistake answer a call from them just tell them you only want contact by post and put the phone down.

From now on you are in charge not your creditors, remember that.

Keep coming back if you need any more advice about anything we are always here to help you.

Rob5342

That's great news. I was very apprehensive about starting my dmp and had lots of concerns. Once I started i could feel a weight had been lifted and I was asking myself why I hadn't started earlier. 

EssexHebridean

Oh well done - see, we know that the coming clean bit is always the best approach but it's always nice to hear when it's done and all went well! 

I will echo the advice about not speaking to creditors on the phone too - we are perfectly entitled to state that you only want contact from them in writing - so if you do pick up a call then say that, and ask them to repeat what you have said back to you to clarify that they fully understand your request and will be actioning it. Best by far to keep everything to written medium, that way there can be no "misunderstandings"! 

Rob5342

EssexHebridean said:

Oh well done - see, we know that the coming clean bit is always the best approach but it's always nice to hear when it's done and all went well! 

Yes, very well done on coming clean. We know it's the best approach and it's easy to tell someone to do it, but it's incredibly difficult when you are actually in that situation, especially when you are still accepting that you need to do something about your debts. I must admit that I didn't hsve the courage to just outright admit my debts to my wife, it was only when my wife had been looking at our outgoings etc and asking questions that I csme out with it.