Ashamed and Upset

Andyjflet

ashamedjelly said:

Hello everyone, happy Monday. 

A little update for you. I finally came clean to my lovely husband! You were all right - initially he was very shocked and went out for a walk to clear his head. But he came home and said that he couldn't be mad with me because ultimately the debt I have paid for our IVF and as a result we have our two beautiful boys. I went through my plan to do a self managed DMP and he is completely onboard with it. We've spent our evenings this weekend setting up excel spreadsheets to monitor the defaults and dates of letters and gone through an I&E with a fine toothcomb. We have a joint mortgage so I explained that his credit report might not look very rosy for a little while but he accepted that - like I said we have no plans to move, do any house renovations for at least 6 years etc. Last night I slept better than I have done for months. Thank you everyone!!

Now, the hard work starts. I've cancelled all of my direct debits for my debt, but having already paid them this month it'll only be October that the letters, emails, texts and calls will start. I've calculated that I can pop £2,000 a month into an emergency fund and live comfortably. My phone is out of contract so I've moved this over to a sim only deal on Vodafone for £11 a month, plus I've meal planned for the week and will shop only for the specific bits I need, which will cut down the grocery shop. Sports and Cinema and HD have been removed from the Sky Package so this is now under £100 a month. 

I'm a bit nervous of the next few months, but feel completely ready to tackle it now. Honestly, for the last 4 years it's felt like I've been treading water, but in a thick substance like tar instead. The terrible cycle of debt has made me feel so ashamed of myself, worthless even. I'm glad to have found friends in this forum, and I'm looking forward to proving to you all that I can do it. 

And here we go!!! This is brilliant I am pleased for you, just having a plan in place helps you sleep at night, whatever the level of debt, or situation, its the plan that works, we are designed as humans to cope with these hiccups. 

I am looking forward to reading about your journey, I also had 3 IVF attempts many years ago which failed and unfortunately the ultimate impact was a failed marriage, I met my new wife and we fell pregnant straight away. 

RAS

Delighted for you, both. No more panicking about how to explain you are limited to your existing provider when you re-mortgage, trying to get to mail and messages before your husband etc.

I do also wonder how many partners spend months or years worrying about texts and calls unanswered, or looked at and deleted. Debts unpleasant but a lot better than wondering if your OH is having an affairs etc.

EssexHebridean

Yes indeed - I have been on the side of wondering what was going on in the background, and I eventually found out when a creditor got my phone number and  called me...that way of finding out did FAR more damage than having just been told about the debt in the first place, as it felt like there was some trust lacking. It took a long while to get past that. 

Sidney_31

Hi AJ, that's great, I am so pleased your husband was supportive. You can do this! You have a great plan in place. Defaults are scary at first (they were to me) but the sooner they happen the better. I started self-managing my DMP in 2016 and the defaults are now all gone from my credit file. I still have a little debt to repay but it is more than manageable now. 
You got this!

Harrysplan

ashamedjelly said:

Hello everyone, happy Monday. 

A little update for you. I finally came clean to my lovely husband! You were all right - initially he was very shocked and went out for a walk to clear his head. But he came home and said that he couldn't be mad with me because ultimately the debt I have paid for our IVF and as a result we have our two beautiful boys. I went through my plan to do a self managed DMP and he is completely onboard with it. We've spent our evenings this weekend setting up excel spreadsheets to monitor the defaults and dates of letters and gone through an I&E with a fine toothcomb. We have a joint mortgage so I explained that his credit report might not look very rosy for a little while but he accepted that - like I said we have no plans to move, do any house renovations for at least 6 years etc. Last night I slept better than I have done for months. Thank you everyone!!

Now, the hard work starts. I've cancelled all of my direct debits for my debt, but having already paid them this month it'll only be October that the letters, emails, texts and calls will start. I've calculated that I can pop £2,000 a month into an emergency fund and live comfortably. My phone is out of contract so I've moved this over to a sim only deal on Vodafone for £11 a month, plus I've meal planned for the week and will shop only for the specific bits I need, which will cut down the grocery shop. Sports and Cinema and HD have been removed from the Sky Package so this is now under £100 a month. 

I'm a bit nervous of the next few months, but feel completely ready to tackle it now. Honestly, for the last 4 years it's felt like I've been treading water, but in a thick substance like tar instead. The terrible cycle of debt has made me feel so ashamed of myself, worthless even. I'm glad to have found friends in this forum, and I'm looking forward to proving to you all that I can do it. 

Well done telling your husband. It will be so much easier with him fully in the picture. Will his credit report be affected?? I thought it only impacted financial associates if they apply for new credit??

londoner2019

This is a great update - so pleased you told your husband and thrilled that he's supportive and on board. That good night's sleep was just the other side of that conversation all along.

Like many of the fantastic ambassadors on here write far more eloquently than I - it's only consumer debt and it's not as big a deal. 

It sounds like you've got this! 2k to put away in a fund is a great start. Don't be too hard on yourself - and do keep coming back to update and / or ask questions! We're here to cheer from afar

powerspowers

Well done for telling your husband Jelly, that’s a big step. How are things now he’s had a little time? 

Humdinger1

Well done @ashamedjelly! You've got this.  Years ago, I paid back 140k with moral support from my DH.  Might you consider yourself proudjelly now? Love Humdinger 

lizzie_m

Hi, I couldn't read and run on his post. I have been through an IVF journey myself and it is so very hard. I am so pleased you told your husband. I had no doubt he would be supportive; my husband and I took on debt for our IVF miracle and we will never be sad about it - you have a plan to tackle the debt which is the main thing xx