Drowning in (son's) debt - getting desperate

2021rdsunshine

devondiver you have done what a lot of parents would do, me included…different circumstances but this was one of reasons why my debt escalated. I don’t regret it but in hindsight maybe it was the wrong approach, I have ended up in the s…and he’s ok, completely unaware of my mess. And that’s fine, have no intentions of disclosing my mess to him. However, lesson learned, step back and make them sort their own mess if it ever happens again. Easier said than done when you are a loving supportive parent but if you don’t mind me saying it, my suggestion would be to sit down with your son , introduce him to this forum and letting him sort this the best he can. Wish you all the best 

devondiver

2021rdsunshine said:

devondiver you have done what a lot of parents would do, me included…different circumstances but this was one of reasons why my debt escalated. I don’t regret it but in hindsight maybe it was the wrong approach, I have ended up in the s…and he’s ok, completely unaware of my mess. And that’s fine, have no intentions of disclosing my mess to him. However, lesson learned, step back and make them sort their own mess if it ever happens again. Easier said than done when you are a loving supportive parent but if you don’t mind me saying it, my suggestion would be to sit down with your son , introduce him to this forum and letting him sort this the best he can. Wish you all the best 

Thank you for the caring words. Thing is, he's c.200 miles away - and when we do meet up it's usually with the grandkids who, needless to say, were always the main concern in all this. You wouldn't believe the court battles we've been through over the years to keep things on an even keel for the kids - right up to this month. As of yesterday my son is copied into this discussion and I hope he is taking it in. I do believe that openess on all sides means that important lessons can be shared and we may move forward together.

2021rdsunshine

devondiver said:

2021rdsunshine said:

devondiver you have done what a lot of parents would do, me included…different circumstances but this was one of reasons why my debt escalated. I don’t regret it but in hindsight maybe it was the wrong approach, I have ended up in the s…and he’s ok, completely unaware of my mess. And that’s fine, have no intentions of disclosing my mess to him. However, lesson learned, step back and make them sort their own mess if it ever happens again. Easier said than done when you are a loving supportive parent but if you don’t mind me saying it, my suggestion would be to sit down with your son , introduce him to this forum and letting him sort this the best he can. Wish you all the best 

Thank you for the caring words. Thing is, he's c.200 miles away - and when we do meet up it's usually with the grandkids who, needless to say, were always the main concern in all this. You wouldn't believe the court battles we've been through over the years to keep things on an even keel for the kids - right up to this month. As of yesterday my son is copied into this discussion and I hope he is taking it in. I do believe that openess on all sides means that important lessons can be shared and we may move forward together.

Completely understand what you’re saying, grandchild was what made me get in so deeply into the situation. You are doing the right thing and I’m sure your son will appreciate it definitely. Good luck! 

THX

devondiver said:

2021rdsunshine said:

devondiver you have done what a lot of parents would do, me included…different circumstances but this was one of reasons why my debt escalated. I don’t regret it but in hindsight maybe it was the wrong approach, I have ended up in the s…and he’s ok, completely unaware of my mess. And that’s fine, have no intentions of disclosing my mess to him. However, lesson learned, step back and make them sort their own mess if it ever happens again. Easier said than done when you are a loving supportive parent but if you don’t mind me saying it, my suggestion would be to sit down with your son , introduce him to this forum and letting him sort this the best he can. Wish you all the best 

Thank you for the caring words. Thing is, he's c.200 miles away.

That sounds like a bit of a poor excuse to me. What about the phone? Zoom? Teams? Smoke signals? Or will he just ignore you until it suits him?

Floss

THX said:

devondiver said:

2021rdsunshine said:

devondiver you have done what a lot of parents would do, me included…different circumstances but this was one of reasons why my debt escalated. I don’t regret it but in hindsight maybe it was the wrong approach, I have ended up in the s…and he’s ok, completely unaware of my mess. And that’s fine, have no intentions of disclosing my mess to him. However, lesson learned, step back and make them sort their own mess if it ever happens again. Easier said than done when you are a loving supportive parent but if you don’t mind me saying it, my suggestion would be to sit down with your son , introduce him to this forum and letting him sort this the best he can. Wish you all the best 

Thank you for the caring words. Thing is, he's c.200 miles away.

That sounds like a bit of a poor excuse to me. What about the phone? Zoom? Teams? Smoke signals? Or will he just ignore you until it suits him?

To be honest, the OP cannot force his son to do anything, it has to be him who takes the action and the distance is irrelevant.

Sea_Shell

So, to summarise, you have two issues here.

• The £21,000 of debt that is in your name, which son was supposed to be paying you back at £400-£500 a month.
• And then his own debts of £12,500 (and counting?)

Can you afford your debt repayments if he is unable to pay you back, or cover the interest?   
Even if he defaults on his own debt, will he be able to budget to live without any further credit from anywhere, including you, with the money saved in interest payments.

I hope he does agree to read this thread, and take all the comments on board, as he shouldn't really be still be dependent on you financially in his 40's.

I've seen first hand what happens when well meaning parents give too much, and leave themselves in a vulnerable position, whilst adult children don't stand on their own two feet.  

devondiver

THX said:

devondiver said:

2021rdsunshine said:

devondiver you have done what a lot of parents would do, me included…different circumstances but this was one of reasons why my debt escalated. I don’t regret it but in hindsight maybe it was the wrong approach, I have ended up in the s…and he’s ok, completely unaware of my mess. And that’s fine, have no intentions of disclosing my mess to him. However, lesson learned, step back and make them sort their own mess if it ever happens again. Easier said than done when you are a loving supportive parent but if you don’t mind me saying it, my suggestion would be to sit down with your son , introduce him to this forum and letting him sort this the best he can. Wish you all the best 

Thank you for the caring words. Thing is, he's c.200 miles away.

That sounds like a bit of a poor excuse to me. What about the phone? Zoom? Teams? Smoke signals? Or will he just ignore you until it suits him?

I'm afraid it's not quite like that - so sorry if I gave the wrong impression. It's just not easy to sit down with him any time I like. He's either with his children or working all the overtime he can. 

devondiver

Sea_Shell said:

So, to summarise, you have two issues here.

• The £21,000 of debt that is in your name, which son was supposed to be paying you back at £400-£500 a month.
• And then his own debts of £12,500 (and counting?)

Plus of course the 30k to my brother.

Sea_Shell said:

Can you afford your debt repayments if he is unable to pay you back, or cover the interest?   
Even if he defaults on his own debt, will he be able to budget to live without any further credit from anywhere, including you, with the money saved in interest payments.

Theoretically - yes to both. But that's what we need to work on.

Sea_Shell said:

I hope he does agree to read this thread, and take all the comments on board, as he shouldn't really be still be dependent on you financially in his 40's.

I've seen first hand what happens when well meaning parents give too much, and leave themselves in a vulnerable position, whilst adult children don't stand on their own two feet.  

Yes, I do understand. But as noted above - it has really been all about protecting the grandkids. 

NeverendingDMP

devondiver said:

THX said:

devondiver said:

2021rdsunshine said:

devondiver you have done what a lot of parents would do, me included…different circumstances but this was one of reasons why my debt escalated. I don’t regret it but in hindsight maybe it was the wrong approach, I have ended up in the s…and he’s ok, completely unaware of my mess. And that’s fine, have no intentions of disclosing my mess to him. However, lesson learned, step back and make them sort their own mess if it ever happens again. Easier said than done when you are a loving supportive parent but if you don’t mind me saying it, my suggestion would be to sit down with your son , introduce him to this forum and letting him sort this the best he can. Wish you all the best 

Thank you for the caring words. Thing is, he's c.200 miles away.

That sounds like a bit of a poor excuse to me. What about the phone? Zoom? Teams? Smoke signals? Or will he just ignore you until it suits him?

I'm afraid it's not quite like that - so sorry if I gave the wrong impression. It's just not easy to sit down with him any time I like. He's either with his children or working all the overtime he can. 

I get it. Nigh on impossible to have a decent or lengthy adult conversation with children in the same building!!

katsu

I'm sorry you and your son made these decisions and I'm so pleased for you that you've realised that it's for your son to work out his financial management. Once he works out what he's currently spending, he can then start to get a bigger that fits his day to day lifestyle, which he can afford. 

If he pays his mortgage and council tax then he's going to be ok in his house.  It's going to take him a long time to pay his debts to the finance companies,  you and your brother, so the sooner he stops adding to the debt, the sooner it starts going down not up. 

I appreciate that you say he's working overtime when he can. As he's not able to pay all his debt repayments by doing that overtime, it seems that it's the right time to focus on making his own plan and deciding how to change his life. 

Your son has made it through the divorce, so have his ex-wife and your grandchildren. You're grandchildren will learn a lot about life from your son living a life where he can make ends meet instead of him continuing to live beyond his means. 

Loving him now is about encouraging him to research options for himself. Tell him that you love him but you can't borrow more money for him, so that he knows he needs to move to the next stage here. 

Please understand that whilst it feels loving, helping him get into more and more and more debt isn't exactly helping him. It's more like taking him out of his depth in water. At some point he needs to swim back to shore.

He's got your love, you and he have us here to help you both clear these debt mountains.

All the best of luck to you both.