Drowning in (son's) debt - getting desperate

devondiver

TheAble said:

It may be a case of him going into some sort of debt management for the overdraft and credit cards he does have.

How do we go about this? Go through Stepchange or some other? Or, as suggested, just stop paying and see what happens, after opening a new bank account.

elsien

He can do self managed if he prefers. It may require a degree of organisation that he is lacking at the moment.

Stepchange tend to push for an agreement straightaway whereas the advice on here tends to be to default and build up a bit of an emergency fund before putting the DMP in place.
He probably needs to speak to them at first though to check what his options actually are. Putting an SOA up on here needs a degree of accuracy that you probably don’t have because you don’t have access to his figures and bills so he should do that himself because again it will push him into taking responsibility. 

If you can persuade him to do it though that would be a really really good starting point while he gets his basic account set up. 

Rob5342

I agree with the previous comments. It's natural to want to help your son but you csnt let him drsg you down wiyh him. He needs to take charge of his whole situation and look at ways of managing the debts himself. You need to take of your own situation, give him moral support where necessary but he needs yo be leading the while thing himself otherwise he will never get out of it. No matter what happens you shouldn't give him any more money. Br honest with yourself, the cards in your name that you call "his" are your own debts that you took on because you couldn't afford to lend him any money. If he can't borrow money elsewhere its because he can't afford to repay it so he won't be able to repay you either. 

RAS

Yikes. How are your grandchildren supposed to budget when their grandparents have prevented their dad from learning the basics.

Starting point, a new basic bank account. Do not switch as that transfers all the DDs to creditors. Then transfer in the income and arrange the essential DDs.

The tell him to do a Statement of Affairs, www.lemonfool.co.uk Format for MSE and introduce himself here. 

A few thoughts that you might want to think about but not to discuss with him right now.

Look seriously at the car. Unless he lives somewhere remote and a long way from the kids, then he doesn't absolutely need one. He can hire for the odd day when public transport and shank's pony are suitable. Or car club.

He can take a lodger on the appropriate weekdays only, perhaps not in the school holidays. And earn up to £7.5k tax free. 

As already suggested, he probably needs to stop paying the creditors and build an emergency fund before he starts any debt solution. Defaulting will stop the interest accruing further.

And he's going to have to come clean to the kids so they understand that there's no icing on the cake from now on.

NeverendingDMP

Three situations here and I wish you luck with guiding him on all of them. 
1. He can't afford the debt he has and he needs to figure this out admit it and and decide to act-thats the hard one
2. He can't afford to pay what he owes. Well not at the amounts he is being charged. Once he gets past number one he can look at different options, dmp etc. that's gonna seem the hardest at the moment to everyone but actually once you do it you kind of think oh ok, not ideal but actually it's not that bad, no one's gonna come knocking and chasing me down, why didn't I do this earlier.
3. You have had the lightbulb moment and know these debts are not sustainable to you. The issue is that although they are his some of them are in your name and if he gets any more in the hole you are gonna struggle yourself to pay them. Either he comes up with a payment plan that covers the ones in your name or you bite the bullet, all stop paying, you also default and  everyone thinks sod this they they are just gonna have to wait and we will pay it back albeit a lot slower. 
Incidentally if he can't pay and ends up with defaults he will find it harder to get credit and have to live within his means-takes practice, I'm still trying to achieve this 😂. He will keep the house if he pays the mortgage and you can just remortgage on line with them when it's next due if it's a fixed rate. No credit check needed if you stick with same person and just choose a new fix. 
Please encourage him to come on the forum but also maybe do a summary of affairs for yourself either privately or for people on here to help you with, but do it  based on if he can't pay the ones you have taken out for him. 

devondiver

NeverendingDMP said:

Three situations here and I wish you luck with guiding him on all of them. 
1. He can't afford the debt he has and he needs to figure this out admit it and and decide to act-thats the hard one
2. He can't afford to pay what he owes. Well not at the amounts he is being charged. Once he gets past number one he can look at different options, dmp etc. that's gonna seem the hardest at the moment to everyone but actually once you do it you kind of think oh ok, not ideal but actually it's not that bad, no one's gonna come knocking and chasing me down, why didn't I do this earlier.
3. You have had the lightbulb moment and know these debts are not sustainable to you. The issue is that although they are his some of them are in your name and if he gets any more in the hole you are gonna struggle yourself to pay them. Either he comes up with a payment plan that covers the ones in your name or you bite the bullet, all stop paying, you also default and  everyone thinks sod this they they are just gonna have to wait and we will pay it back albeit a lot slower. 
Incidentally if he can't pay and ends up with defaults he will find it harder to get credit and have to live within his means-takes practice, I'm still trying to achieve this 😂. He will keep the house if he pays the mortgage and you can just remortgage on line with them when it's next due if it's a fixed rate. No credit check needed if you stick with same person and just choose a new fix. 
Please encourage him to come on the forum but also maybe do a summary of affairs for yourself either privately or for people on here to help you with, but do it  based on if he can't pay the ones you have taken out for him. 

Thanks NDMP and all others for the the wizdom proffered here today. I think I can see some light. I have copied my dear son in and hope he can also begin to see a way through - though with some tough pills to swallow along the way.

  

NeverendingDMP

He is one of many of us. We are all here for the same reason, we got into debt and are trying to fight our way out. I've learnt a lot on the forums. Welcome to your son if he decides to sign up even just to have a read of other people's situations!

Rob5342

I'd suggest to him that he posts here himself to get some first hand advice. I got into £42k of debt and felt quite ashamed thinking i was a rare case. I've since learnt that there are lots of people in my situation which has helped me tackle things. 

sourcrates

Tackling the debt is the easy part, as there are solutions laid down for most circumstances.

The hard bit is the mental approach, actually admitting you have a problem and resigning yourself to do something about it, that`s where the problems lie.

Its all too easy to ignore things, and bury your head in the sand, you must be pro-active.

There are four main debt solutions, and the vast majority of debtors will fit into at least one of these categories.

There is absolutely no reason for someone in debt to keep on suffering these days, the help and support available from various sources has never been better.

elsien

The thing is, he must have been over spending on his income to accrue the debts in the first place before the high interest kicked in.
That may have been due to his marriage break up or it may have been due to other factors.
 

It is not a criticism but whatever the reason, he needs to really make sure that putting the debts to one side for now he can live within his means. That’s the hard bit because it can mean a huge change in attitude and lifestyle for some people.
if he’s already living frugally that may be a less of an issue, but it’s still not going to be easy. 

But is is doable and that’s what he needs to hang onto.