what age does a child have to be to make own descions??

whitewing

the_devil_made_me_do_it wrote: »

From what I can gather of the circumstances I'm referring to, the detriment is on the parent not the child in this case... a streak of insane jealousy. The parent dosen't want it and it's not for the child's sake. They just can't stand the thought that their child could give love to another if you get my drift.

Children have an infinite capacity to love and the love for one person does not diminish the love for someone else. So I would say that the child's wishes are paramount however if the child is living with the person who opposes the contact, then unfortunately you will have to take into account that that person may make the child's life hell.

seven-day-weekend

I personally think that if a child of any age from about five, wants to see their parent, then providing that parent isn't a paedophile or violent then the child should be allowed to.

Often it's the parent putting their own feelings onto the child and contact is witheld.

Some people don't want the child to have two parents.

mishmash

Hi
When I read the first post my answer was as early as they can, my 2 year old makes choices and decisions now. Things like which snack she would like or what she would like to wear.

I think the principles are still the same for contact, the younger the child the more help they will need making decisions, if my child only chose sweets as a snack I would try and help her, or if she chose to wear a swimming costume on a cold day I could not allow this.

There is a term called 'Frasier competance' which is a term used to describe if a child is competant to make their own decisions. As a social worker I used this term in my work, though I do not think it is easy to use generally it depends on so many factors.

I think decision making is often about how things are presented and encouraged. My little one does not want to go to playgroup if she thinks I might be doing anything fun- I tell her I will be hoovering up and she is happy to go.

When my older children were younger I would encourage them to have contact with their Dad, I think they felt disloyal to me. They also struggled as they did (and still do) feel unwelcomed by their fathers partner.

They are now teenagers and I uphold the rule that they are now old enough to decide, however if they do not want to go to their Dad's they have to call him and explain why, it's the whole rights and responsabilities thing.

I am only making assumptions from the limited info in your post, but if your child is deciding to not want contact I would advise the following;

If you are parent with care; are you doing all you can to promote and be positive about contact, are you being positive about the absent parent and if the child have given any reasons for not wanting contact, have you discussed them with the other parent to resolve them for the benefit of the child.

If you are the absent parent do you know why, are you open to discussion with the parent with care and flexible to make changes.Are you positive about the parent with care, are their any things you can identify why your child may not want to visit you, can you change this.

I think it is vital for children to have a good relationship with both parents, however forcing a child to see a person they are adamant they do not want to may do more harm than good, sometimes with children you have to leave the door open and keep popping your head around it.

Hope that helps

the_devil_made_me_do_it

To answer everyone..

the person I'm discussing is the parent not receiving contact and wanting it. The child wants it to, but carer isn't allowing it for their own selfish reasons.

There is no reason to stop contact other than the carer's jealousy over the relationship.

mishmash

Then court action and the appointment of a gaurdian is the only way, it is just sad when as adults we do not see what is best for the children.

My O/H left me for another woman, it was very painfull to allow contact especially as he had shacked up with her, but it was best for the kids.

As adults we often mess things up, relationships jobs and so on, and we get another shot to put things right. Kids only get one shot at childhood, they should not be used a pawns and it makes me sad when they are.

Legal advice is needed and an indipendant Gaurdian (the Cafcas officer wh is mentioned in a previous post) will assertain the childs wishes.

Good luck x

chocolatechipcookies

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I personally think that if a child of any age from about five, wants to see their parent, then providing that parent isn't a paedophile or violent then the child should be allowed to.

Often it's the parent putting their own feelings onto the child and contact is witheld.

Some people don't want the child to have two parents.

I agree. I grew up with my mother and her parents interfering with my relationship with my father, and I lost out on 18 years with him. Nobody ever listened to what I wanted or needed, they were more concerned with themselves. My mom's parents hated my dad, I don't know why, but they used me against him and lied to me about him. They made me think he didn't love me and I believed it for a very long time. He died a few years ago and I will never get my relationship back. This is why I get so angry with mothers who won't let their child see their dads. I won't forgive my mother or grandparents for a very long time, because they stole so many years from me.

I was 5 when this all started.

whitewing

Ideally, child of any age should be able to see absent parent.

How this would work practically may make it impossible if the carer won't agree.

A lady I knew years ago from work ran off with her brother in law. Left her children as they were very young at the time and their dad was stay-at-home while mum worked, so she wanted to keep them as stable as possible while the proverbial hit the fan.

She spent thousands of pounds and many years on court battles but she got the children back in the end, and they wanted to be with her.

With limited knowledge of this situation, I think absent parent should seek legal advice and then go for contact. That way, even if nothing comes of it the child in the future knows the absent parent tried. (That was the philosophy of my colleague; that no-one who knew about the court battles could ever deny that she loved her children, even though she'd made mistakes).

Absent parent should even virtually ignore the child's wishes and just do what they feel is right by the child. It is very difficult for a child to be asked to make decisions (eg would you want me to go to court for you; that is a decision that I would not expect a child of any age to make.)

iceicebaby

the_devil_made_me_do_it wrote: »

To answer everyone..

the person I'm discussing is the parent not receiving contact and wanting it. The child wants it to, but carer isn't allowing it for their own selfish reasons.

There is no reason to stop contact other than the carer's jealousy over the relationship.

If the child also wants contact then the parent wanting the contact should persue it. This is a similar case to mine and my wishes were taken into account although I was made to feel guilty for saying I wanted to see the other parent by the parent I was living with.

Danni

When I was 12 the court decided that I was old enough to choose if I wanted contact with my dad or not (well, that was the theory, anyhow).The younger ones (10, 7 and 6 at the time) didn't have that option.

As it turned out I was forced by my mother to have contact with my dad, which has caused a lot of problems for me now, but at 12 I was old enough in the court's eyes.

masterthief

around the age you take the batteries out.




















seriously, it depends on the child and the situation. without more info its hard to say. child (a) may be emoitionally equipped to deal with circumstance (1) but not circumstance (2) if you get my drift. but be careful - kids are often a lot more perceptive than you/I/we think they are. with my young nephews I've always taken the route of not telling them stuff they aren't already exposed to but trying to help them with the stuff they are exposed to (e.g. my pops passed away and my neph's viisted him in hopspital when he was really ill - one cride and ran off, so I joined him, walked around the hosptial with him and basically adopted a line of 'yeah I know you feel crap, and I feel crap, and we end up walking aimlessly around this hospital feeling a bunch of feelings and asking ourselves a bunch of questions but none of it makes a blind bit of difference, does it? but its important and okay that we do it anyway.....' tried to explain how I'd felt over the yrs doin what he was now doing and making him feel its okay to react like that- he was 13 and it seemed to help, felt it bett er than jumping in and telling how to feel. But he's not the type of kid I'd try to have a discussion about the epistemology of ethical philosophy with, so...).