Children and a new father figure questions!

Jo_R_2

Showed OH this thread the other day, and he's found it really useful! He likes knowing that others have thought the same thoughts as he has and had ways to establish relationships.

He has a couple of worries. The first is discipline; he worries that if he is on his own with DD1 and he either tells her to do something or not to do something, that she will say 'no' and he'll be like, what do I do now?! This is something that parents come across every day (LOL!:eek:) and I've said we'll sit and talk about how to handle this sort of situation, though I think experience will help a lot as well.

The second is if he, say, takes DD2 out to the shop, and halfway down the road she cries for me, he's worried he wouldn't know what to do. I honestly don't think he needs to worry here, she's such a friendly, trusting and loving little girl and they already get on like a house on fire, and really it's not the sort of thing she'd do- she tends to settle really easily with others when I'm not there anyway. He also worries that in this sort of situation, if, say, he asked DD1 to hold his hand to cross the road, she'd say no as she has a tendency to not want anyone else but me if I'm there. I explained that if it were the both of them, she knows that it is important to stay close to an adult, and that there would be a need to be strict in situations like this.

Kimberley

I know it's rare, but my former partner went pyscho after he moved in, he was nice as pie before that, nice to me, to my family, but once he moved in he changed. I had 4 years of hell and one of my kids are suffering now with flashbacks, which i take 100% blame for and the guilt i feel is high. He destroyed everything i owned, he destroyed all my kids photos from the day they were born, i have none left, only what my family had. I had all their first keepsakes in boxes for them, but they all went too.

I lost an entire three bedroom house full of stuff, including priceless records and ornaments.

To this day i trust no one, i won't date in case i grow fond of the person and i won't risk it happening again, therefore i have to wait until the kids have grown up or left home.

I wish i could but i can't

hobo28

You'll get lots of replies on this one. There's no path to follow so to speak really.

From my experience you should try to sort out what role you want him to play. Step-parenting is hard even for experienced parents. Let alone those without kids.

If he is allowed to discipline the children, you will need to make sure you never undermine him even if you disagree and the children need to know what he says is as good as if it came from you.

The worst thing you can do is give him the responsibility then take it away when it doesn't suit. Eg. "Your not their dad!".

Carrera74

I met my ex when my DD was 2. He moved in pretty quickly as I was convinced he was the one (I was very young and niave!). Not long after he moved in I became pregnant and he then showed his true colours and I lived through 5 years of hell with him.

When I finally got away from him I was adamant I would never go near another man and I certainly wouldn't let one near my children.

I met my fiance 2 years later and I took it really slowly. I only introduced them a good 9 or so months after we met and then it was for a day out. He never stopped over until we'd be together for a year later and again we took it slowly with him only stopping over once or twice a week.

The kids absolutely adore him and wanted him to be there permanently before I felt comfortable with it. I was a little unsure but I think that was because of what I had been through.

My advice would be to take it slowly and at everyone's pace. You'll know when it's right

Carrera74

Also with regard to discipline we both attended parenting classes as we clashed a bit so we now sing from the same hymn sheet. I do find it difficult sometimes to bite my lip if my OH is disciplining differently to what I would but I'll speak to him afterwards not in front of them because children are very clever and know how to use each of you against each other!

Kimberley

Thank you for that nice PM Carrera :beer:

findingmyownway

Jo_R wrote: »

Showed OH this thread the other day, and he's found it really useful! He likes knowing that others have thought the same thoughts as he has and had ways to establish relationships.

He has a couple of worries. The first is discipline; he worries that if he is on his own with DD1 and he either tells her to do something or not to do something, that she will say 'no' and he'll be like, what do I do now?! This is something that parents come across every day (LOL!:eek:) and I've said we'll sit and talk about how to handle this sort of situation, though I think experience will help a lot as well.

The second is if he, say, takes DD2 out to the shop, and halfway down the road she cries for me, he's worried he wouldn't know what to do. I honestly don't think he needs to worry here, she's such a friendly, trusting and loving little girl and they already get on like a house on fire, and really it's not the sort of thing she'd do- she tends to settle really easily with others when I'm not there anyway. He also worries that in this sort of situation, if, say, he asked DD1 to hold his hand to cross the road, she'd say no as she has a tendency to not want anyone else but me if I'm there. I explained that if it were the both of them, she knows that it is important to stay close to an adult, and that there would be a need to be strict in situations like this.

bless him! Its really good you are getting these issues out in the open now, rather than facing them head-on when its too late to prevent them.

All i would say is its something he will get used to. I had the same fears when i had my stepDs but they really do subside with time and experience. Its only the same fears a new parent-to-be has about not being able to look after baby, stop it crying etc.

In terms of discipline, with your support she won't have the chance to say 'no' to him. If you support OH the she'll soon learn that his word is as strong as yours.

You know your child best. I would agree its unlikely she would suddenly cry for you if they are happily walking round the shops together without you. Even if she does, its important she learns that you and her new stepdad are in control, not her. I mean, if you have said you are going to X shop and she is going to stay at home with your OH, you must then stick to it, even if she moans and wants to go with you - she'll only cry for 5 minutes after you have gone! If either of you give in and say, 'oh i'll take her, i know you cant deal with her like this' then she'll know for next time exactly what buttons to press.

Don't worry too much - in my experience young kids are much better behaved when with non-parents then they are with parents!!! In a way, i was flattered when my stepDs stopped behaving like angels with me - it meant they had accepted me as a parent and felt comfortable to push the boundaries etc rather than being on 'best behaviour' the way they were when they didnt know me. Does that make sense?

Jo_R_2

findingmyownway wrote: »

Don't worry too much - in my experience young kids are much better behaved when with non-parents then they are with parents!!! In a way, i was flattered when my stepDs stopped behaving like angels with me - it meant they had accepted me as a parent and felt comfortable to push the boundaries etc rather than being on 'best behaviour' the way they were when they didnt know me. Does that make sense?

Yes and I want both DDs to feel entirely comfortable with OH. I suppose in a way I almost feel guilty because I know my relationship decisions affect their lives, of course it's unavoidable. Me and OH were talking again last night, he's still ultra keen for us to move in together and I have felt more optimistic over the last few weeks. He does worry about parenting the girls which is something I had been anxious about but he has been embracing the idea more and more. Most of the time we spend together currently is just me and him, in the evenings, at weekends when the girls are with their dad or with my parents, and I'm hoping now to spend some time together as a unit to start forging that bond.

OH says he would prefer for us to start off doing some stuff together, he's still rather nervous about being alone with them - bless him I think he has pictures in his head of them running rings round him, tipping the house upside down and him standing there meekly going, "stop that!" and neither taking any notice I've said that they need authority and reiterated that it's okay for him to be firm, and that's something we're going to discuss more soon.

I've also said that sometimes he might say things I don't necessarily agree with, or do things differently, but he understands the ethos that I and the girls' dad have (positive parenting) and as long as we all use that as a starting post, it'll be fine. I've also explained that the girls understand that different people in their lives might do things slightly differently (eg my parents tend to be stricter than me or their dad) but that they know I will support those people in their decisions with the girls in front of the girls if that makes sense?

findingmyownway

Jo_R wrote: »

Yes and I want both DDs to feel entirely comfortable with OH. I suppose in a way I almost feel guilty because I know my relationship decisions affect their lives, of course it's unavoidable. Me and OH were talking again last night, he's still ultra keen for us to move in together and I have felt more optimistic over the last few weeks. He does worry about parenting the girls which is something I had been anxious about but he has been embracing the idea more and more. Most of the time we spend together currently is just me and him, in the evenings, at weekends when the girls are with their dad or with my parents, and I'm hoping now to spend some time together as a unit to start forging that bond.

OH says he would prefer for us to start off doing some stuff together, he's still rather nervous about being alone with them - bless him I think he has pictures in his head of them running rings round him, tipping the house upside down and him standing there meekly going, "stop that!" and neither taking any notice I've said that they need authority and reiterated that it's okay for him to be firm, and that's something we're going to discuss more soon.

I've also said that sometimes he might say things I don't necessarily agree with, or do things differently, but he understands the ethos that I and the girls' dad have (positive parenting) and as long as we all use that as a starting post, it'll be fine. I've also explained that the girls understand that different people in their lives might do things slightly differently (eg my parents tend to be stricter than me or their dad) but that they know I will support those people in their decisions with the girls in front of the girls if that makes sense?

Sounds good, definatly a good idea to do more as a family to start with. The girls need to see you as a couple as a strong unit, as well as you all as a family.

Having different rules in different houses works fine for us. we have much higher expectations about behaviour, bed times, pakcing schol bags before bed etc than their mum does. The biggest thing is making sure each family agree - ie in your house, your and OH word goes. At Daddy's house its up to him what happens but you will stand by what he says etc.

Happy New Year :beer:

mum2one

Kimberley wrote: »

I know it's rare, but my former partner went pyscho after he moved in, he was nice as pie before that, nice to me, to my family, but once he moved in he changed. I had 4 years of hell and one of my kids are suffering now with flashbacks, which i take 100% blame for and the guilt i feel is high. He destroyed everything i owned, he destroyed all my kids photos from the day they were born, i have none left, only what my family had. I had all their first keepsakes in boxes for them, but they all went too.

I lost an entire three bedroom house full of stuff, including priceless records and ornaments.

To this day i trust no one, i won't date in case i grow fond of the person and i won't risk it happening again, therefore i have to wait until the kids have grown up or left home.

I wish i could but i can't

My heart goes out to youand what you went through, my ex had temper issues and I was diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder with flashbacks (something that I hadreviuosly only thought occured to soliders in the gulf etc) when my dd was 3 mths old, this was due to what I went through with my ex.

To an extent I am in the same boat, I cant risk getting involved with someone else for fear of falling forthem and going through that all the time, I fell at times that I have to have 2 seperate lives, my family life and my life, I met someone 3yrs ago I was on holiday (1st break without daughter) he lives bout 200 miles from me, he knows about my daughter, but I have to keep him at arms length, hes a great guy, but I dont even feel confident enough to let him even have my home telephone number, yet Ive spoke to his mum, who thinks Im lovely, we exchange xmas cards he even sends my daughter a bday card, yet I have to keep him at arms lengths, to an extent Im scared of another relationship, hes offered me everything, with no catches. I made myself a promise when my daughter was born and I feel as though Id be betraying her if I let him further into my life x