Children and a new father figure questions!

Jo_R_2

I wanted to ask mums/dads who have been single parents then met a new partner... how did you manage moving a new person into the home?

I'm asking because I'm curious, this may be a possibility later on next year for me and I want to be fully prepared. I've been with my current partner around six months, and he has made it very clear that he wants us all to move in together. I have told him that I would love to do this at some point in the future, but not now as it feels too soon. I want to 'know' it is right for all of us.

DDs are one and nearly four. DD1 remembers daddy living with us, obviously DD2 doesn't. Both have regular contact with their dad, who is getting married next year, and also get on well with their future stepmother.

DD1 seems to have been showing some effects of the separation recently after going for many months seemingly having taken it in her stride. She is a clever, advanced little soul for her age and very articulate about how she thinks and feels, but has over the past few months been very clingy towards me. She also said something that made me feel terribly sad about future stepmother, who had been away visiting family. She asked if 'S' would be back next time she saw daddy. I said I didn't know but she would be back soon, DD1 replied that S might be back already at her and daddy's house, and went on to say how she hoped S wasn't going to leave her and not come back: it brought tears to my eyes

I'm very aware that having my partner move in would have a big effect on the girls and want it to be as undisruptive as possible. I do think DD1 particularly would benefit from my partner being a permanent fixture, because as things stand, he comes and goes around work and other commitments because he doesn't live here, so isn't here all the time. The girls get on with him and I want stability in their lives; but also I don't want to rush it.

He hasn't been round children much previously, and although he is happy to take the role of father figure, I know he finds the whole idea very daunting and this is another reason for holding off; I want to help build the ties between him and the girls first.

Another thing I wonder about is how do you as the parent share responsibility with the non-parent partner? I know this probably sounds bizarre but couldn't think of a better way to put it! What I'm meaning is, how much responsibility does/should the new partner take for the children? I find it hard to conceptualise how much of a role the partner takes, how much responsibility they should take, what's okay for them to do and what's not okay? I realise this is mutually agreeable but how do you decide?

Sorry if this is a little long-winded, I have been thinking about it a lot!

Becles

We did it gradually.

When it got serious, hubby started staying over one night a week. Then it increased to two nights a week and so on till the week before Christmas when he moved in permanently "for Christmas" but never went home again!

He started out doing fun things with the boys like playing computer games, then started taking them on short tips to the shops and stuff like that. He gradually built it into longer trips, like the cinema or swimming and eventually I tagged along too! It really helped him get to know the boys. He also took on little tasks, like checking they were dressed, helping with homework - that kind of thing.

We talked a lot about discipline and luckily we pretty much agree on the same things. Never tell him off for doing something different in front of the children though, as they will use that against you. Say later when the children are not there "I didn't like it when you did .........., I would have done ..........", then you can discuss what you are both going to do next time the situation happens.

Most of all, talk to each other about how you are going to handle things and iron out any niggles before they build up into massive problems.

Best of luck

Noctu

Becles, just out of curiosity - on what kind of timescale did your OH move in? (like, staying over 1 night/week after X months, then 2 nights/week after X months)?

Someone I know is going through the same thing you see!

Sola

It happened differently for us. I met DH within weeks of the marriage breakdown. DH's ex-wife announced the marriage was over but they continued living in the marital home for 6 months, him on the sofa; one weekend he and I would stay there with the kids, the other she and her boyfriend would stay there. If he stayed at mine during the week, he'd get up early and be home for 6am so they could all have breakfast together. We all felt it was important that the kids not be moved around too much; the four of us adults sat down (I remember all 4 of us sitting on the kitchen floor in the marital kitchen munching cheese and biscuits) and had a 'summit' about it and discussed what would be best, as the kids were 8 and 4 at the time. We basically took (and still take) the view that we were an odd kind of extended family, the adults being connected to each other and each other's parents as well as to the kids. Apart from me having the odd niggle if the ex has been unfair to DH, it's woked really well and we're unofficial step-parents to her subsequent kids.

We had the odd weekend where the kids would come and stay in my flat but it didn't really work as it was too small (I sold the flat after a year and we bought a house). We took them on holiday after we'd been together for 3 months and nearly split up over it; it was a crash-course for me on how exhausting it was being on duty 24/7. After 6 months, the house sale went through, she and her BF moved away with the kids, and DH moved in with me; he'd been gradually moving stuff in since about the 6-week point. He spoke to them on the phone every day (in the past 10 years, I think he's only missed the odd day when he's been in hospital) and they've basically come to us every fortnight and chunks of the holidays. Less now as they have their own social life but they have their own keys.

As for dealing with the kids, I had zero experience of children so pretty much left it to him because it was petrifying! I have a fairly hot temper (but tried always to be fair) and found it was better if one of the kids did something acceptable to call him to deal with it as I think I'd've been far stricter than he was. We never argued about it really; I let him set the pace and standards and just tried to fit in with it (although I'd have words alone if something happened which didn't fit what I thought was right, and if I asked the kids to do something he always backed me up). Now they're grown and in their teens it's easier, but I was very conscious that they weren't mine and didn't want to overstep any boundaries. Had they lived fulltime with me it might've been different.

We muddled through somehow, and it was a couple of years ago that my stepdaughter (then 11) brought up the subject of how lucky they felt having the stability DH and I provided, as their Mum had split with the BF after having a son together and was now with a second BF (they've since married and had a daughter a couple of weeks ago). They have both said they have 5 parents (the ex-bf comes round regularly to take his son out).

Becles

Noctu wrote: »

Becles, just out of curiosity - on what kind of timescale did your OH move in? (like, staying over 1 night/week after X months, then 2 nights/week after X months)?

Someone I know is going through the same thing you see!

It took nearly a year but that was due to other circumstances! He started coming here on Saturday afternoon after work, and staying till Sunday night. He has a rotating day off in the week, so then he started staying over for his day off too.

The problem was work. He didn't drive then, and he can't travel from here to work by bus for a 5am start. We had to stick with the two nights a week for a while until he did driving lessons, then passed his test and bought a car, then he gradually increased the number of nights a week over a couple of months till he moved in permanently.

Mark7799

From another perspective, I'm a partner who was 'moved in'.

Timescales - met youngest stepson when he was 30mths, met elder stepson three months later around his fifth birthday (DW thought as they had differing temperaments this was the best way to deal with it).

Moved in three years later (would have been quicker if my house had sold earlier) by then I was probably living there over 50% of the time any way.

Let them set the pace and joined in as well as I could - playing games, days out etc without over-indulging them. DW set down the rules on discipline but we'd discussed them beforehand so I knew what to expect. We made sure they couldn't play us off against each other and DW's ex also joined in on this as well. I took as much "parenting" as I could.

findingmyownway

I can give you 2 perspectives on this:

1)

I am 'stepmum' to 3 girls (been with OH for 7 years although not actually married). Its a bit different cos i moved in with their Dad, which is their second home, not their main one if you see what i mean.

I had been with OH for about 6 months when i met the kids who were 2,4 and 6yrs at the time. Neither of us would have done it if we weren't sure we were together for a long time. I started by being the 'fun daddys girlfriend', taking part in days out etc. All the discipline was left to OH at that time.

Over the years things have changed a lot. The younger 2 can't remember life without me in it. Over the past year they have all started to spend more time with us and the eldest has practically moved in! Discipline is still OH's responsibility when he is there but i spend lots of time with them on my own and wouldn't think twice about telling them off if they needed it!! We do girly things together - shopping, makeup lessons etc which helped me to build and maintain a relationship with them as individuals not just 'the kids'.

It will be daunting for your OH. I has little experience of children but you soon learn. I would let him start slowly, taking to them to the park/shops etc and build the alone time up from there. Also you could start leaving him in the house with them alone - just go to a friends for a cuppa. It will help everyone get used to the new family dynamic.

I found it easier cos they were all girls like me. I think step-parenting an opposite sex child would be harder so it might be worth trying to find a common interest - maybe swimming? Or your OH could take up some kind of sport/judo lessons with the kids? Having something special that they do just with him will cement their relationship.


2)

As a kid, my mum had a series of boyfriends. None of them actually moved in but they spent a lot of time at our house, and us at theirs.

From a childs perspective all they want is stability. Thats what your DD means when she says she hopes stepmum doesnt leave her. So i would say that don't let your child build a strong relationship with a man who isnt going to around for a very long time. Be 100% sure yourself first (and make sure he is happy with the new step parent role too!).



Step famililes CAN work, i promise you. We have 3 happy little girls who just enjoyed a holiday to London with us for 3 days but who also went back to their mum's this aft full of excitment and wanting to tell her all about it. And importantly she wants to listen and is genuinely pleased they had a great time - we don't make them feel gulty for having a beter time with one family or the other - they know its ok to love us all.

Communication between parents is key - but in the happiest situations that extends to stepparents too. Don't exclude your new partner from decisions, even if the final say lies with you and the kids Dad.

Noctu

Just another question (sorry OP to hijack your thread but think it's a relevant question to your situation also)...

What is everyone's view of how long it "should" be before boyfriend/girlfriend moves into the home, with children there?

Sola

Noctu wrote: »

Just another question (sorry OP to hijack your thread but think it's a relevant question to your situation also)...

What is everyone's view of how long it "should" be before boyfriend/girlfriend moves into the home, with children there?

I think once it's been established that the relationship between the adults is solid and there's reason to think the kids will be okay about it. I think they'd need to know the step-parent first before they move in. I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer.

findingmyownway

Noctu wrote: »

Just another question (sorry OP to hijack your thread but think it's a relevant question to your situation also)...

What is everyone's view of how long it "should" be before boyfriend/girlfriend moves into the home, with children there?

However long it takes for both adults to totally sure its what they want for a very very long time

PLUS

However long it takes for the new parent to build a relationship with the child. It need to be AT LEAST enough that the child and adult feel comfortable left alone and going out together alone. Also that the natural parent is 100% sure about them being together. You need to know that the new parent would run in front of a car to save the child, as fast as the natural parent would.

PLUS

However long it takes the adults to sit down and chat about issues such as who does the disciplining, house rules etc



All of these things could take between months and years. Every relationship and child is different. A lot depends on how fast the new parent and the child bond.

Jo_R_2

This is all great stuff to know, thanks! I do realise more now that it's best to take it as it is, ie as has been said, not a "one size fits all" answer but to judge this situation as in individual case, keeping certain things in mind.

Love hearing all kinds of experiences, those of parents AND step parents, and also those from adults who as kids experienced similar, is really insightful :T