Separation

RAS

Go over to wikivorce as a starter. They have a lot of advice.

You are currently allowing your ex-wife to behave as if she owns the house and is running the accounts. If you are paying the bills, pay them rather than paying her to not pay them.

If you know she's transferring money into private accounts and an ISA, then get the details. You will both have to declare all your assets including savings and ISAs when you go for the financial settlement. So if she fails to declare those accounts, then you can raise her failure to declare at that time. Do you know if she pays into a pension via work?

If you are supposed to be separated, then running a joint accounting isn't a good idea. You need to separate your expenses.

Go to wikivorce first, get advice there and then look at getting proper legal advice. You can't afford not to do so.

andyhobbs

elsien said:

Cancel the credit card if she’s still spending on it and not paying it and set one up just in your name. She can get her own credit card and be responsible for her own debts.
her pension is also definitely part of the discussion. It’s not “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine as well.”

I would also not be agreeing to pay any child maintenance directly to her past the age of 18 but instead pay any money directly to the child  while they are in education and they can negotiate with their mother how much that is fair to pay for board if living with her. Note this is just a personal opinion and I don’t know what the child Maintenance service guidance is around this. 

Credit card is her name anyway

very good point about the child maintenance 

andyhobbs

RAS said:

Go over to wikivorce as a starter. They have a lot of advice.

You are currently allowing your ex-wife to behave as if she owns the house and is running the accounts. If you are paying the bills, pay them rather than paying her to not pay them.

If you know she's transferring money into private accounts and an ISA, then get the details. You will both have to declare all your assets including savings and ISAs when you go for the financial settlement. So if she fails to declare those accounts, then you can raise her failure to declare at that time. Do you know if she pays into a pension via work?

If you are supposed to be separated, then running a joint accounting isn't a good idea. You need to separate your expenses.

Go to wikivorce first, get advice there and then look at getting proper legal advice. You can't afford not to do so.

thank you, good advice, will check out Wikivorce now

she has a private pension, and also pays into Nest through work 

Brie

You need to think of it as if everything both of you own is put into a box, given and shake and then split in two.  She gets half, you get half. 

Realistically say she has defined contribution pensions worth £10k, ISA worth £5k and savings accounts worth another £5k.  And you have similar things worth £20k, £10k & £10k.  Then you have twice as much as her so to even it up you might give her your £10k savings so you both have £30k worth of financial assets.  House sells for £420k with £20k of bills to sell so you each get £200k.  Possessions are a bit trickier because you might love some old bit of tat and she wants the BMW.  If you are happy with that balance that's fine otherwise it's a bit of a bidding war.

I would suggest that you try to convince her to get valuations for her financial assets and you should get them for yours as well as otherwise it's all guesswork. 

See if you can agree who is paying what bills as well.  Make sure she knows that you no longer have access to her credit card and likewise take her name off any accounts of yours.   

thegreenone

Have you made the EA aware that you are both still living in the house and any offer MUST be a joint decision?  Perhaps a simultaneous text to both of you rather than phone calls and they must not accept the first reply from one of you.  You both need to reply as agreeing.

I'm sure HMRC would be very interested in the extra £5k tutoring money.  However, I think you should keep that as a last resort.

andyhobbs

thegreenone said:

Have you made the EA aware that you are both still living in the house and any offer MUST be a joint decision?  Perhaps a simultaneous text to both of you rather than phone calls and they must not accept the first reply from one of you.  You both need to reply as agreeing.

I'm sure HMRC would be very interested in the extra £5k tutoring money.  However, I think you should keep that as a last resort.

yes estate agents are all done by email, with both copied in, as she wanted to use a friend that works with as estate agent which i refused, so i am paying the extra fess for the chosen estate agent, as her friend was going to do it cheaper

Yes the extra money i am keeping as a very last resort, as i just want to move on, and thought everything was agreed until i see all the notes she has done, about what she wants and expects, as some rightly said earlier all spurred on by friends and family 

RAS

You'll understand that many people avoid buying houses when couples are divorcing because they anticipate wrangling between the couple? People with mortgage offers that last 6 months may not be able to risk making an offer. So the market is smaller and probably discounted in reality.

Have either of you started divorce proceedings? 

andyhobbs

RAS said:

You'll understand that many people avoid buying houses when couples are divorcing because they anticipate wrangling between the couple? People with mortgage offers that last 6 months may not be able to risk making an offer. So the market is smaller and probably discounted in reality.

Have either of you started divorce proceedings? 

Hi there, estate agents are doing the viewings, and have said they will keep our personal circumstances out if it, only that is chain free, the Ex did want to do them which i refused

no divorce proceedings not yet started, as again lack of money, so wanted house to sell, and then sort it, as first it was all straight forward, but her attitude has changed, mainly because or realization of the future for her 

RAS

The fees for a divorce are less than £600, just a form to fill and send off with the fee. Then you do the financial settlement, which is often where the costs wrack up.

There's no guarantee a financial settlement from a separation will be accepted by the court without amendment, and no point in arguing twice.

MEM62

andyhobbs said:

Personally I don’t want to go legal, as its expensive, 

It will cost you more if you don't. Your wife needs a reality check and you would benefit greatly from standing up and giving it to her.  Being passive and trying to appease her is only making a rod for your own back in the long term. 

andyhobbs said:

Am I being unreasonable? Or fair?

Nope!  But you need to stand your ground.