Respite for parent with 2 LPA's

Flugelhorn

Warren100uk said:

GDB2222 

Sister in law is of course right that it would be disorienting for MIL to go into a home for a week. Ideally, SIL should simply move in and take care of MIL while you are away for a well earned break. If she isn’t comfortable with that then she should provide 24 hours care at home in some other way. Or, she should simply accept the second best solution that is on offer.

Thanks for the advice ,maybe we are being selfish but we would like to do something we haven't done for a long time which is to be at home , sleep in our own bed and just for a short time not have to think about being carers. It's as if we are asking for something so unusual.

you are not being selfish and that is a perfectly reasonable thing to want to do - 

kimwp

Carer breakdown is real and those who don't have the full time responsibility don't understand how hard it is. If respite is on offer, I would take advantage of it. If you want your sister to understand, she needs to look after your mum for a week at least - I was amazed that my parents hadn't fallen to pieces when I looked after my gran for two days, without also needing to think about cleaning the house, getting food in or working for that period - but it sounds like your sister in law doesn't want to understand so she might need a bit longer.

 It would be ideal if you can get her to come to this understanding before putting your mother in law in respite, but you need to look after yourself in order to care for others and there are unreasonable people everywhere so you just have to do the best thing in the circumstances. 

Warren100uk

kimwp said:

Carer breakdown is real and those who don't have the full time responsibility don't understand how hard it is. If respite is on offer, I would take advantage of it. If you want your sister to understand, she needs to look after your mum for a week at least - I was amazed that my parents hadn't fallen to pieces when I looked after my gran for two days, without also needing to think about cleaning the house, getting food in or working for that period - but it sounds like your sister in law doesn't want to understand so she might need a bit longer.

 It would be ideal if you can get her to come to this understanding before putting your mother in law in respite, but you need to look after yourself in order to care for others and there are unreasonable people everywhere so you just have to do the best thing in the circumstances. 

Thanks Kimwp and thanks for sharing your experience.I guess you wanted to understand in the first place. Sadly this has never been the case with my sister in law, more a case of thank god we wanted to care and support mum so the responsibility didn't fall on her. At the being they even tried to convince mum she would maybe better in a home even though her wishes when she had capacity was to stay in her home. I hate thinking like this but I wouldn't be surprised if she is trying to push us to breakpoint so mum would go into a home and then her inheritance from her dad's part of the house would be released to her.

Brie

I quite get you wanting to have a staycation.  Going away can be an expensive thing.  If SiL won't have mom at her house then the alternative might be for you to swap houses with SiL for a week.  How could she object if moving mom somewhere is considered by her to being so disruptive!?!

silvercar

I’d be tempted to wait for SIL to visit, then go out…..for a week.

I know that does mean you won’t be at home.

theoretica

You will not be available to care for mum for a while.  Which is more than reasonable, people in employment are legally entitled to 5.6 weeks holiday - as well as at least a day off a week.  You have responsibly made alternative arrangements to ensure mum is well cared for during this time, but if sister would prefer to make alternative arrangements she has notification of the dates to enable her to do this.

GDB2222

Warren100uk said:

GDB2222 

Sister in law is of course right that it would be disorienting for MIL to go into a home for a week. Ideally, SIL should simply move in and take care of MIL while you are away for a well earned break. If she isn’t comfortable with that then she should provide 24 hours care at home in some other way. Or, she should simply accept the second best solution that is on offer.

Thanks for the advice ,maybe we are being selfish but we would like to do something we haven't done for a long time which is to be at home , sleep in our own bed and just for a short time not have to think about being carers. It's as if we are asking for something so unusual.

No. I don’t think you are being selfish. You need some time off, and you are entitled to it. Since it doesn’t sound like sister in law is prepared to take over for a while, it doesn’t matter whether that would be better.

I do like the idea of involving the social worker to explain the facts of the situation to sister in law. 

badmemory

From the very little you have said then I think that from sister in laws viewpoint it is all about the money.  She doesn't want her in respite she wants her in full time care, out of the house & the house sold.  Perhaps a gentle reminder of how much a year that care will reduce the remaining value by & how much your care is saving her for her inheritance.

Flugelhorn

badmemory said:

From the very little you have said then I think that from sister in laws viewpoint it is all about the money.  She doesn't want her in respite she wants her in full time care, out of the house & the house sold.  Perhaps a gentle reminder of how much a year that care will reduce the remaining value by & how much your care is saving her for her inheritance.

It sounds like the father's half was left as TiC but not accessible until the property is sold, that half will maintain its value and all the care costs will come out of mum's half

badmemory

Flugelhorn said:

badmemory said:

From the very little you have said then I think that from sister in laws viewpoint it is all about the money.  She doesn't want her in respite she wants her in full time care, out of the house & the house sold.  Perhaps a gentle reminder of how much a year that care will reduce the remaining value by & how much your care is saving her for her inheritance.

It sounds like the father's half was left as TiC but not accessible until the property is sold, that half will maintain its value and all the care costs will come out of mum's half

I agree.  But assuming (& we all know about assumptions) the mum's half is also left between them so that will devalue quite rapidly, I suppose it all depends on her degree of current need.