Younger sibling and financial fairness?

JimJohn123

Hi all,

I am one of four adult children (all brothers). There has been significant inequality in the amount that my youngest brother has received from my parents in terms of financial support, as well as time and emotional support, particularly in the last decade. For example:

• Two years ago, my parents bought a property outright bought for him costing £500,000. In the past decade, the other three brothers were all given very generous gifts of £125,000 each to get us on the property ladder (at the time we were told that we would receive the same amount "in the interests of fairness"). I know these are very significant amounts of money (so please don't see this as a complaint), but it's more about the issue of fairness.
• In the last decade my younger brother has had several jobs but has had his car payments, mobile phone, and other expenses paid for by my parents. He has had regular holidays abroad with friends, many of these also being funded for by my parents.
• My youngest brother was in a stable job but has recently left it, and has decided to go travelling for three months. This is being funded by the rent money from tenants in the property that was purchased for him. 

I have three main concerns:
(i) The principle of fairness: am I wrong to feel hurt that we seem to have been treated differently compared to our youngest brother?
(ii) That my little brother is taking advantage of my parents: Any time where I have even hinted that my parents are indulging or enabling my brother's lavish lifestyle have not gone down well, and indeed they seemed to act more cooly with me for some weeks afterwards. I am concerned that this kind of lifestyle will not change any time soon.
(iii) Future estate planning and retirement funds: I am concerned that my parents may not have enough money to support themselves in retirement. My father has already pushed back his date of retirement by over a year (he's a self-employed businessman), due in part to the higher financial costs that he has incurred in recent years supporting my brother.

I love and respect my parents, and most of the time we get on really well. But communication with them concerning my youngest brother has become quite fraught – for example, I have never even mentioned to them how hurtful it was to us when he had the expensive property bought for him. It is worth mentioning that the youngest sibling has had mental health issues over the past ten years, which is why I think they have tended to be softer towards him.

Am I being unreasonable? I really appreciate your advice. Thanks,

JJ123

LinLui

There's no possible definitive answer to your question - "reasonable" is an individual perspective. But nobody said life has to be fair. Maybe your parents think it isn't "fair" that your younger sibling has struggled with their mental health? 

What I do think is unfair is that you expect to tell your parents how they should spend their money, and on what. You may have your own opinions,  but honestly it sounds like the green-eyed monster eying up their inheritance rather than any concern for them, especially since your primary approach here and with them (based on what you have said here) is that you older siblings haven't had the same amount of money spent on you. And they may think the same thing. 

Could you perhaps be grateful that you have your health and the ability to stand on your own two feet, which, for whatever reasons,  your sibling hasn't been able to achieve? I know which I would rather have. 

MattMattMattUK

I would say that your parents are not treating all their children equally, or fairly, but that is irrelevant, you only really have a choice between liking it and lumping it. From what you have said your parents will continue regardless of the opinions of the three other children, the youngest child will continue to lap up what is given to him regardless of what his siblings think, therefore your choices are limited to accepting it and moving on, or not accepting it and letting it eat away at you. Personally I would choose the former and if I struggled with that I would find a professional able to help me. I say that because you do not want to let something like damage your wellbeing. 

DullGreyGuy

There are no right answers here but there are many posts about similar scenarios... most recent one I recall was where the elder sibling has a good job, mortgage etc and the younger sibling who worked in NMW jobs had been gifted the deposit for a home. 


1) I fully empathise with you but at the same time, life isn't fair.  I am guessing somewhat but I assume the 3 of you are of similar age and the other is materially younger?  The problem is when the three of you came of age the lump sum was so big and had to be divided three ways. A decade on the size of the pie has changed and no longer needs to be divided. 

As an only child I could in theory have been in a great position with no siblings to share with but in reality I didnt get a penny from my parents after I turned 18 and so the four of you getting £875,000 between you seems unfair towards me. 

Its their money, they should spend it how they want.


2) I'd blame the parents much more than the kids in these scenarios. It only happens because the parents have offered/agreed to pay things that they shouldn't 


3) You need to separate estate planning and retirement. Pushing back retirement can be done for a wide range of reasons and the reason given is not always the real reason. My father died before he got to retire (also self employed) but he loved working, though not necessarily his job, and had he lived I am sure he'd have continued working as long as physically possible despite plans to retire etc. 

Mark_d

I understand how you feel to an extent.  I am the eldest of three brothers and my youngest brother has always received by far the most support from my parents.  He is in his forties (same as me), owns his own property and has a first class degree from Cambridge University...but still my parents continually fuss over him and allow themselves to be controlled and manipulated by him....so much so that my parents are not free to truthfully answer questions I ask about simple things like their planned holidays/travels.

Whilst the amount of money and 'benefits' in my situation are very different to yours, I too feel that there needs to be fairness, reasonableness and a degree of equality in how siblings are treated.  I am annoyed that our situation persists.

When I got married, neither my parents nor in-laws contributed to wedding costs.  However my in-laws ended up paying for the wedding + honeymoon of my sister-in-law.  This hurt my spouse and after I made a phone call to my in-laws, they realised their mistake and took steps to repair the damage done.

I understand about parents going on the defensive when they have the reality exposed to them.  Unfortunately even if you show them everything, you can't force them to open their eyes and accept what they see.

Maybe take a step back and forget about the family and its issues? This is what I do to protect my own mental health.   Hopefully it will force everyone to realise what is going on, and force my parents to re-establish a degree of fairness

theoretica

I think you need to realise that how your parents treat your brother is not your concern - but how it affects you is.  So not discussions about how he is being given so much, but that you find you are making comparisons and don't want to. Can you discuss your emotions with your parents?  And perhaps could they reassure you about their financial planning for retirement?

Pollycat

DullGreyGuy said:

Its their money, they should spend it how they want.

This ^^^^

You have every right to feel you are being inconsistently treated.
But you do not have the right to query how your parents spend their money. 

I'm the eldest of 3 in a family that had enough money to live but not enough to spend on lots of treats. 
My second sibling got more than me at the same age, simply because there was more disposable income.
Youngest sibling had a very different upbringing because of the big age gap between us.
In addition to being the baby of the family, they lived at home for much longer than the 2 oldest. 

I have never felt unfairly treated. 
It was simply how things were. 

I think if I'd been lucky enough to be gifted £125k, I wouldn't begrudge my younger sibling £500k.

Sea_Shell

MattMattMattUK said:

I would say that your parents are not treating all their children equally, or fairly, but that is irrelevant, you only really have a choice between liking it and lumping it. From what you have said your parents will continue regardless of the opinions of the three other children, the youngest child will continue to lap up what is given to him regardless of what his siblings think, therefore your choices are limited to accepting it and moving on, or not accepting it and letting it eat away at you. Personally I would choose the former and if I struggled with that I would find a professional able to help me. I say that because you do not want to let something like damage your wellbeing. 

I agree.   Hard as it may be, you don't have much choice other than to accept the situation for what it is, unless you want to cause a rift.

It could get worse!!!   They could make a will leaving everything to them too.

Your real problems will start if the money runs out and they expect to turn to you to keep the gravy train rolling.

Brie

I think there's likely little you can do about setting things right.  Your parents aren't going to suddenly give each of the 3 of you enough to make up for what the 4th has had.

So to turn things around maybe talk to your parents about estate planning from their point of view.  What do they want to do when dad (& mom?) stops working?  How will they fund it?  What's they're fall back plan if one/both become unhealthy?  Sounds like there may be IHT issues that need to be considered.  Do they realise the estate will include gifts to the youngest?  Assuming there is enough to live on and money to pay for carers that's fine but if not the local authority may very well look at the youngest to make up the difference and look at his big house to fund their care.

If those questions lead your parents to talking to a solicitor to draw up wills or a financial planner for estate planning the issue of fairness and equal shares may be well be raised by those individuals which might make it easier for your parents to take on board what the effect of their gifts to youngest has had on the rest of you.  

p00hsticks

With regard to fairness, I'd suggest that you search for an explanation of 'Equality v Equity' and consider if that latter  principle is in play at all here

Time2count

The only thing I'd add, is if your concern is around your parents potentially not having enough for themselves, then speak to your youngest brother and explain that concern and see if he'd be able/ willing to say no when they offer more money/ not ask for the next thing to be paid for etc. Other than that, as above, your parents are adults and can choose how to spend their money.

I know it hurts when even as adults we feel our parents favour a sibling. My mum quite openly admits her youngest is her favourite. Financially she's provided a lot of support to her. However now I think about it, I've never asked for any money from her, maybe if I had I'd have received it?