Younger sibling and financial fairness?

Marcon

JimJohn123 said:

Hi all,

I am one of four adult children (all brothers). There has been significant inequality in the amount that my youngest brother has received from my parents in terms of financial support, as well as time and emotional support, particularly in the last decade. For example:

• Two years ago, my parents bought a property outright bought for him costing £500,000. In the past decade, the other three brothers were all given very generous gifts of £125,000 each to get us on the property ladder (at the time we were told that we would receive the same amount "in the interests of fairness"). I know these are very significant amounts of money (so please don't see this as a complaint), but it's more about the issue of fairness.
• In the last decade my younger brother has had several jobs but has had his car payments, mobile phone, and other expenses paid for by my parents. He has had regular holidays abroad with friends, many of these also being funded for by my parents.
• My youngest brother was in a stable job but has recently left it, and has decided to go travelling for three months. This is being funded by the rent money from tenants in the property that was purchased for him. 

I have three main concerns:
(i) The principle of fairness: am I wrong to feel hurt that we seem to have been treated differently compared to our youngest brother?
(ii) That my little brother is taking advantage of my parents: Any time where I have even hinted that my parents are indulging or enabling my brother's lavish lifestyle have not gone down well, and indeed they seemed to act more cooly with me for some weeks afterwards. I am concerned that this kind of lifestyle will not change any time soon.
(iii) Future estate planning and retirement funds: I am concerned that my parents may not have enough money to support themselves in retirement. My father has already pushed back his date of retirement by over a year (he's a self-employed businessman), due in part to the higher financial costs that he has incurred in recent years supporting my brother.

I love and respect my parents, and most of the time we get on really well. But communication with them concerning my youngest brother has become quite fraught – for example, I have never even mentioned to them how hurtful it was to us when he had the expensive property bought for him. It is worth mentioning that the youngest sibling has had mental health issues over the past ten years, which is why I think they have tended to be softer towards him.

Am I being unreasonable? I really appreciate your advice. Thanks,

JJ123

(i) You're human. 'Wrongness' doesn't come into it!
(ii) Your parents are, to put it bluntly, telling you to mind your own business. They have a point; they are consenting adults(!) and it is their money.
(iii) Their money, their choice.

You feel hard done by, but it's clear that your parents have their minds set on a particular course of action. Only you can judge whether telling them how you feel is likely to help or worsen matters. Have you considered that they may feel riddled with guilt about the situation but are so worried about their youngest, and how they'll meet the costs of 'looking after him', that they are simply blanking out the impact it might be having on their other offspring?

pjs493

I'm the eldest of four children. I've been the one that has benefited the least from my parents' 'generosity' (for want of a better word). My other siblings lived at home rent free while at university, whereas I went off to university and worked three jobs just to be able to afford the essentials such as rent and food. My parents never helped towards costs or made a contribution to top up my student loans. Even when I moved home briefly after graduating I was made to feel unwelcome and was rushed out of the house as soon as I found a job. I've no idea why I've been treated differently and whenever I've raised the issue with my parents in the past they just try to argue that we've all been treated equally, even though its obvious we have not.

The sibling closest to me in age lived at home rent free until they saved up enough to buy their own house, and when they had children then benefited from free childcare provided by our mother and continues to do so. Whereas I've had to incur childcare costs. My youngest two siblings still live at home rent free despite being in their early 30s and have no plans to move out. Why would they? They both have good jobs but live rent free leaving them with a substantial disposable income. My parents even upsized a few years ago to a larger house with several en suite bedrooms which I suspect is so that my siblings can continue to live at home with a greater degree of privacy than they had in the last house. I really can't see either of them leaving home unless they are in a long term relationship and decide to leave to move in with a partner.

Over the years this has caused a lot of resentment and arguments in the family with calls from me of unfairness as we've never been treated equally. I even spent a number of years not on speaking terms with my parents because of the severity of the unfairness and even now I only have a strained relationship with them because the hurt from being treated so unfairly in my late teens and into my 20s hurt really deep. As I got a proper job, got married, etc, it became less of an issue as I didn't need their support, but there were definitely times in my youth where I would argue with my parents because I was struggling financially while my siblings lived at home without paying rent or board and never ever experienced money struggles due to being a poor student or in precarious employment. They all have proper jobs now, but in the years after university when they did bar work, etc, they never needed to worry about paying rent or buying food because it's always been covered by my parents.

Ultimately, it has damaged family relationships, but as I matured I realised my parents were more to blame than my siblings so I tried not to let it impact my relationships with them. The sibling who moved out now recognises that there was unfairness, but I don't think the two living at home will ever acknowledge just how much they are benefiting financially from their situation.

All of that was to say, I've now reached a point where I couldn't care less what my parents decide to do with their assets when they die. I have no idea what their intentions are. I assume they have made wills, but I've no idea who they've chosen to be executor. If even one sibling is still living at home at the end, it will likely lead to an awkward situation assuming the house needs to be sold. Perhaps it's worth just letting it go and resigning yourself to the fact that there has been unfairness and it's likely to continue.

Spendless

pjs493 said:

I'm the eldest of four children. I've been the one that has benefited the least from my parents' 'generosity' (for want of a better word). My other siblings lived at home rent free while at university, whereas I went off to university and worked three jobs just to be able to afford the essentials such as rent and food. My parents never helped towards costs or made a contribution to top up my student loans. Even when I moved home briefly after graduating I was made to feel unwelcome and was rushed out of the house as soon as I found a job. I've no idea why I've been treated differently and whenever I've raised the issue with my parents in the past they just try to argue that we've all been treated equally, even though its obvious we have not.

The sibling closest to me in age lived at home rent free until they saved up enough to buy their own house, and when they had children then benefited from free childcare provided by our mother and continues to do so. Whereas I've had to incur childcare costs. My youngest two siblings still live at home rent free despite being in their early 30s and have no plans to move out. Why would they? They both have good jobs but live rent free leaving them with a substantial disposable income. My parents even upsized a few years ago to a larger house with several en suite bedrooms which I suspect is so that my siblings can continue to live at home with a greater degree of privacy than they had in the last house. I really can't see either of them leaving home unless they are in a long term relationship and decide to leave to move in with a partner.

Over the years this has caused a lot of resentment and arguments in the family with calls from me of unfairness as we've never been treated equally. I even spent a number of years not on speaking terms with my parents because of the severity of the unfairness and even now I only have a strained relationship with them because the hurt from being treated so unfairly in my late teens and into my 20s hurt really deep. As I got a proper job, got married, etc, it became less of an issue as I didn't need their support, but there were definitely times in my youth where I would argue with my parents because I was struggling financially while my siblings lived at home without paying rent or board and never ever experienced money struggles due to being a poor student or in precarious employment. They all have proper jobs now, but in the years after university when they did bar work, etc, they never needed to worry about paying rent or buying food because it's always been covered by my parents.

Ultimately, it has damaged family relationships, but as I matured I realised my parents were more to blame than my siblings so I tried not to let it impact my relationships with them. The sibling who moved out now recognises that there was unfairness, but I don't think the two living at home will ever acknowledge just how much they are benefiting financially from their situation.

All of that was to say, I've now reached a point where I couldn't care less what my parents decide to do with their assets when they die. I have no idea what their intentions are. I assume they have made wills, but I've no idea who they've chosen to be executor. If even one sibling is still living at home at the end, it will likely lead to an awkward situation assuming the house needs to be sold. Perhaps it's worth just letting it go and resigning yourself to the fact that there has been unfairness and it's likely to continue.

I suspect in this case, your parents didn't see it as the same thing you living away from Uni as your siblings cos for the ones that lived at home there was no 'additional' bill to them. Yes the food shop and the utilty bills will have been higher but they just absorbed that versus needing to give you extra money to survive. Add in tht many parents don't 'get' how the maintenance loan works (Martin Lewis having campaigned for years to get the Government to be more clear about his). I think the same has happened with them moving to a larger place, they either had the money to do it or didn't mind the increased mortgage and have seen it as 'we now own a more expensive place' rather than your younger siblings are creating a cost to them. The sibling that's moved out has now realised how much you do have to pay to live away from the parental home and that's why they've acknowledged you've been unfairly treated.

Haven't got a clue about childcare but my parents did the same with my sis (kids all same age) and I struggled. Years later with my sis now estranged from our parents they can see they were taken for a ride, but when I've asked them about it they said they just didn't see it at the time.

OP - you don't say whether youngest sibling is on his own whereas you all have partners, which may also be one of the reasons behind it, but I think everyone else has said it. You can raise the issue with your parents, but ultimately it is their choice what they do

pjs493

Spendless said:

pjs493 said:

I'm the eldest of four children. I've been the one that has benefited the least from my parents' 'generosity' (for want of a better word). My other siblings lived at home rent free while at university, whereas I went off to university and worked three jobs just to be able to afford the essentials such as rent and food. My parents never helped towards costs or made a contribution to top up my student loans. Even when I moved home briefly after graduating I was made to feel unwelcome and was rushed out of the house as soon as I found a job. I've no idea why I've been treated differently and whenever I've raised the issue with my parents in the past they just try to argue that we've all been treated equally, even though its obvious we have not.

The sibling closest to me in age lived at home rent free until they saved up enough to buy their own house, and when they had children then benefited from free childcare provided by our mother and continues to do so. Whereas I've had to incur childcare costs. My youngest two siblings still live at home rent free despite being in their early 30s and have no plans to move out. Why would they? They both have good jobs but live rent free leaving them with a substantial disposable income. My parents even upsized a few years ago to a larger house with several en suite bedrooms which I suspect is so that my siblings can continue to live at home with a greater degree of privacy than they had in the last house. I really can't see either of them leaving home unless they are in a long term relationship and decide to leave to move in with a partner.

Over the years this has caused a lot of resentment and arguments in the family with calls from me of unfairness as we've never been treated equally. I even spent a number of years not on speaking terms with my parents because of the severity of the unfairness and even now I only have a strained relationship with them because the hurt from being treated so unfairly in my late teens and into my 20s hurt really deep. As I got a proper job, got married, etc, it became less of an issue as I didn't need their support, but there were definitely times in my youth where I would argue with my parents because I was struggling financially while my siblings lived at home without paying rent or board and never ever experienced money struggles due to being a poor student or in precarious employment. They all have proper jobs now, but in the years after university when they did bar work, etc, they never needed to worry about paying rent or buying food because it's always been covered by my parents.

Ultimately, it has damaged family relationships, but as I matured I realised my parents were more to blame than my siblings so I tried not to let it impact my relationships with them. The sibling who moved out now recognises that there was unfairness, but I don't think the two living at home will ever acknowledge just how much they are benefiting financially from their situation.

All of that was to say, I've now reached a point where I couldn't care less what my parents decide to do with their assets when they die. I have no idea what their intentions are. I assume they have made wills, but I've no idea who they've chosen to be executor. If even one sibling is still living at home at the end, it will likely lead to an awkward situation assuming the house needs to be sold. Perhaps it's worth just letting it go and resigning yourself to the fact that there has been unfairness and it's likely to continue.

I suspect in this case, your parents didn't see it as the same thing you living away from Uni as your siblings cos for the ones that lived at home there was no 'additional' bill to them. Yes the food shop and the utilty bills will have been higher but they just absorbed that versus needing to give you extra money to survive. Add in tht many parents don't 'get' how the maintenance loan works (Martin Lewis having campaigned for years to get the Government to be more clear about his). I think the same has happened with them moving to a larger place, they either had the money to do it or didn't mind the increased mortgage and have seen it as 'we now own a more expensive place' rather than your younger siblings are creating a cost to them. The sibling that's moved out has now realised how much you do have to pay to live away from the parental home and that's why they've acknowledged you've been unfairly treated.

Haven't got a clue about childcare but my parents did the same with my sis (kids all same age) and I struggled. Years later with my sis now estranged from our parents they can see they were taken for a ride, but when I've asked them about it they said they just didn't see it at the time.

OP - you don't say whether youngest sibling is on his own whereas you all have partners, which may also be one of the reasons behind it, but I think everyone else has said it. You can raise the issue with your parents, but ultimately it is their choice what they do

It was a little more than just free board and lodgings at home. My siblings had cars bought for them and my parents have continued to fund holidays for them at least twice a year (they all go abroad together and I don't quite understand why children in their 30s would still want to go on holiday with their parents, but I suppose one doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth). This is despite my siblings who still live at home earning more than my parents, who are now retired. My parents have been mortgage free since before they upsized. But the decision to upsize was made entirely to cater for the siblings who are still at home.

tenzin_2

Sometimes in life it boils down to, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
Yes you have been treated unfairly. You’re right.  Happiness and peace of mind is the other side of that coin

MarzipanCrumble

I had another solution.  Admittedly it wasn't about financial equal treatment or lack of it.  I walked away.  For me, it meant I did not have to think,consider or stress over that particular 'problem'.    The problem was mine, I admit that but also recognised it.

The consequence:  no family other than the one I had made.

Not recommending it - just an option which at the time worked for me.

pjs493

Just to add to my personal experience above. 

Since my husband died I've had what could be best described as a strained relationship with my in-laws who have become really controlling (they were like this before but as a couple my husband and I were in a better position to stand up to them). For example, at one point they offered to help us out with a substantial deposit towards a house following the sale of a rental property they'd owned for years. It seemed to make sense to them to gift a significant amount to both of their children at the time of the sale, we didn't ask for it. Shortly after looking at houses on the market, it quickly became apparent that my in-laws felt that as they were contributing towards the purchase, even though the money was to be a gift, that they felt as if they had a say in what we bought. Oddly enough, every house we found that didn't have extra rooms or a 'granny annexe' suddenly had glaring issues that they were at pains to point out. They suggested a number of properties that didn't fit what we wanted and it seemed like they were implying that a condition of getting the money was that we find a house that they liked and had space for them to visit often. In the end we decided that we didn't want them dictating conditions for our home so declined their offer.

Since my husband died they've been somewhat negative when I've suggested I move closer to my family for support and help with childcare. They put on the guilt trip and talk about how hard it would be for them to visit their grandchildren if I moved further away. When I point out that they don't visit very often and when they do, they don't help with childcare, they take offence. Indeed, when they do visit its stressful because they expect to be waited on hand and foot and expect me to cater to their every need when my hands are already full with the children - they won't even boil the kettle to make themselves a drink. Going to their house feels awkward because it isn't set up for children and they're not really child aware - ie they'll leave hot drinks on a coffee table in reach of the children to the point where I don't feel I can go to the loo without the children being at risk of an accident.

Comparatively, whenever I visit my family, people are falling over each other to help with the children and give me time to myself. The relationship with my in-laws is now very strained because if I don't do as they dictate, they get grumpy and make negative comments to other people. When my family visit me, they offer to cook, push the vacuum around, take the children to the park, etc.

For years they told my husband and I that their wills leave everything to him and his sibling in equal share, and if one were to die before them, that child's share would be divided between their children. Obviously, now that my husband has died that would mean his share would be divided between our two children. But I've heard along the grapevine via family friends that they've recently changed their wills. I'm under no illusions that they've now changed their wills so that everything is left to their surviving child, cutting out my husband's children as per the clause they previously had. 

Do I care? No. I really couldn't care less. I'd rather be able to make the choices I want to make to ensure as best a future as I can hope for for myself and my children given that my husband died too young and we are lost without him. I'd rather not be dictated to and do everything my in-laws demand, just to keep them happy so that my children inherit half of their fortune. They can keep their money, I'll provide for my children. Given their age, they'll likely die before my children reach adulthood so I'm pleased I won't have to deal with a trustee or whatever situation would have happened if my children inherited from my in-laws as children.

MarzipanCrumble

#pjs943  -- Why don't you bite the bullet and move nearer to your supportive family - why are you waiting?  Or have you already?