Husband refuses to equitably share benefit income

InEquality

I’m looking for help on behalf of my sister.
She has recently confided in me that she is having money problems with her husband. They are both in receipt of ESA, including several disability premium's. The premiums are paid via her husbands ESA and he will not ‘share’ this money with my sister, despite the fact that the premiums clearly state that the payments are “for you and your partner”. The issue is further compounded by the fact that the way they have decided to pay their bills mean that my sister has been paying the electricity & gas bills which have increased much more than the bills that her husband pays.
My sister has let this situation continue for many years but she’s now in a situation whereby she gets less benefit income and pays much more in terms of the bills. She has tried on numerous occasions to resolve this inequality by discussing it with her husband but he won’t change and just says that the money is paid to him so it is his.
Can anyone offer advice on how she can hopefully resolve this issue? Thx.

Grumpelstiltskin

Does she want this situation to continue?

Is it a marriage she wants to stay in?

InEquality

At this stage, for various reasons (financial, medical and housing-related), I think she would struggle to leave the marriage. They are essentially mutually dependent and whilst his behaviour in this matter is deplorable I don’t think she’d manage very well on her own. In my opinion, this is part of the reason her husband has behaved this way as he believes she won’t leave him and that there isn’t much she can do about his intransigence.
He is older than her (by about 10yrs) and medical issues which mean he is eligible for benefits are deteriorating. My sister has ‘withdrawn her labour’ in the hope that her husband sees sense but given how long this situation has been going on for I don’t think this will be a long-term solution…..and she’s still receiving less income and paying more bills. :-(

Brie

Is his name on the bills?  If so then ask that her name is taken off so that the post comes to him instead.  If not then get his name on them and then take hers off.  

This is not that uncommon a situation whether people are on benefits or not.  It's financial controlling behaviour.  We think about it more often where a man is earning a high wage and the woman is a stay at home mom and given a tiddly "allowance" which hasn't changed in years and from that she has to buy all the food, outfit the kids etc.  It's very difficult to resolve within a marriage without a radical change of his thinking which is exceedingly difficult.  It often continues even after a split if the man still needs to contribute a portion whether it be child support or alimony.  

The only other constructive thing I can suggest is are they on social tariffs for their bills, utilities, water, phones, broadband etc.  That at least might ease things a bit for her if he refuses to get sensible.  

InEquality

AFAIK her name only is on electricity & gas, his is on water, internet. I’ll ask her if she’d consider asking gas & electric companies to change the bills into her husband’s name but I can foresee a reluctance due to worries that they might not be paid.
Fortunately there are no children involved so that’s one less complication.
One of the many ironies in this situation is that part of the reason the gas & electric bills are disproportionately high is due to his medical conditions! If I was in his situation I’d take the pragmatic view that the few hundred £’s of money he’d have to share would be a very small price for the care and attention he gets from my sister.

huckster

Ask ESA to split payment based on domestic financial abuse. Hopefully ESA will have a manual payment process where they pay 50% to each person.

Robbie64

huckster said:

Ask ESA to split payment based on domestic financial abuse. Hopefully ESA will have a manual payment process where they pay 50% to each person.

There's guidance about it at https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/universal-credit-alternative-payment-arrangements/alternative-payment-arrangements#split-payments

badmemory

Being an obviously nasty person I would be reducing the heating to save money & doing things like walking out of the room & turning the light off, if all he is doing is sitting watching TV he doesn't need a light.

InEquality

Thank-you for the suggestion/information about the possibility of split payments, I’ll mention this to my sister (although I did notice that it is only done in exceptional circumstances and I’d assume she’d have to somehow evidence the situation).

As tempting as it might be to retaliate I don’t think this would make an already crap situation any better and could just lead to a tit-for-tat downward spiral.

badmemory

I agree but it may well make her feel better if she could think I could turn your needed heating down/off.  Sometimes even the very silent victories can make someone feel a little better

housebuyer143

My sister lives in a similar unfair money split but as much as she knows it, her husband is unmoving. She lives in her overdraft and he squirrels away hundreds a month. She pays the rent and he pays evening else, which is less than the rent, even though she works part time and him full. 

There is nothing to be done unfortunately. The choice becomes live with it or leave because you can't change someone and if this is his mindset for money then she is unlikely to change it 

By all means get the payments split but it's going to create animosity for certain.