My partner's son - legal arrangements if she dies

pollypenny

I feel for the boy.  I recall a girl who joined our sixth for some years ago. She'd come from a city about 60 miles away after her single-parent mother died, leaving her with only distant relatives at 16. 

In spite of the school's efforts she didn't settle. For a while she lived with a disabled relative, became engaged to this older guy and left school. I often wonder what happened to her, bless her. 

elsien

theoretica said:

elsien said:

Savvy_Sue said:

Jude57 and theoretica both make good points. 

When we first made wills, the boys were quite young. We appointed guardians but we never expected them to 'take the boys in', more to make decisions in their best interests. 

At a later stage, I asked a single male friend if he'd take that responsibility. By then they'd have been able to express their own views, as will this lad.

It does sound as if mum's surgery may have rocked him, and it may take time to reassure him. 

If it helps, you sound like a good chap, and in a very good position to be that 'if the worst happens' person for the next fee years. 

How does that work if they’re not living with you particularly if they have to go into care because there is no one who is willing or able to take them in? 

In that case, the state would assume parental responsibility and I am unclear where or how a guardian would fit into that? 

Making decisions for a child that is living elsewhere seems difficult. 

Not too difficult - something a bit similar happens with boarding schools.

I’m not sure that’s an equivalent situation given that in those circumstances the parents are around to make the big decisions. However, with a child in care the local authority has that legal parental responsibility so which authority overrides, which, if there’s a dispute between them, and a guardian appointed in a will? For example, where the child should live where they should go to school, rather than day-to-day decisions. 

RAS

The important thing is for mum to ask her son who he might want to live with and who he'd trust to help him transfer to adulthood, even beyond 18 years. Whilst assuring him that she has no intention or reason to believe those arrangements might be needed.

And those "godparents" don't have to be the same people. And might change as he gets older.

theoretica

elsien said:

theoretica said:

elsien said:

Savvy_Sue said:

Jude57 and theoretica both make good points. 

When we first made wills, the boys were quite young. We appointed guardians but we never expected them to 'take the boys in', more to make decisions in their best interests. 

At a later stage, I asked a single male friend if he'd take that responsibility. By then they'd have been able to express their own views, as will this lad.

It does sound as if mum's surgery may have rocked him, and it may take time to reassure him. 

If it helps, you sound like a good chap, and in a very good position to be that 'if the worst happens' person for the next fee years. 

How does that work if they’re not living with you particularly if they have to go into care because there is no one who is willing or able to take them in? 

In that case, the state would assume parental responsibility and I am unclear where or how a guardian would fit into that? 

Making decisions for a child that is living elsewhere seems difficult. 

Not too difficult - something a bit similar happens with boarding schools.

I’m not sure that’s an equivalent situation given that in those circumstances the parents are around to make the big decisions. However, with a child in care the local authority has that legal parental responsibility so which authority overrides, which, if there’s a dispute between them, and a guardian appointed in a will? For example, where the child should live where they should go to school, rather than day-to-day decisions. 

I think we are at cross purposes - the point of this is that the child will not be in care if they have legal guardians with parental responsibility, even if an older child is not actually living with the guardian but with a host family.  If a legal guardian is appointed the local authority won't have a say in day to day arrangements. 

elsien

Fair enough but I was reading the posts as saying there isn’t anyone willing to be a host family. Hence there being little option but care. 

TheBanker

Savvy_Sue said:

elsien said:

Savvy_Sue said:

Jude57 and theoretica both make good points. 

When we first made wills, the boys were quite young. We appointed guardians but we never expected them to 'take the boys in', more to make decisions in their best interests. 

At a later stage, I asked a single male friend if he'd take that responsibility. By then they'd have been able to express their own views, as will this lad.

It does sound as if mum's surgery may have rocked him, and it may take time to reassure him. 

If it helps, you sound like a good chap, and in a very good position to be that 'if the worst happens' person for the next fee years. 

How does that work if they’re not living with you particularly if they have to go into care because there is no one who is willing or able to take them in? 

In that case, the state would assume parental responsibility and I am unclear where or how a guardian would fit into that? 

Making decisions for a child that is living elsewhere seems difficult. 

I'm rather hoping that if the OP was appointed as guardian, and the worst happens, he'd work out with the lad how to manage life without mum. You can't put down in words what the best thing to do would be, but you can put down who you trust to make those decisions. 

If the worst happened, I would absolutly do my best for him, regardless of what legal arrangements were (or weren't) in place. It is likely that if something happened, I would have to deal with the immediate arrangements as there's nobody else. And I don't think I'd be able to hand a grieving kid over to social services to deal with.

Savvy_Sue

TheBanker said:

Savvy_Sue said:

I'm rather hoping that if the OP was appointed as guardian, and the worst happens, he'd work out with the lad how to manage life without mum. You can't put down in words what the best thing to do would be, but you can put down who you trust to make those decisions. 

If the worst happened, I would absolutly do my best for him, regardless of what legal arrangements were (or weren't) in place. It is likely that if something happened, I would have to deal with the immediate arrangements as there's nobody else. And I don't think I'd be able to hand a grieving kid over to social services to deal with.

I'm really pleased to hear you say this, and I'd hope that a serious conversation with the three of you, and Mum updating her will, would be enough to reassure him. 

Especially perhaps to reassure him that as a teenager, Social Services are highly unlikely to want to get involved if you are there for him, and the older he gets, the less involved they will want to be. 

AnnikaJuarez

It's good that you care about your partner's son so much, not only from the financial perspective but also about his future. I suppose you can be his guardian in case something happens. Well, in case you are doing well and you are fine about that. Hopefully, nothing like this won't happen. But after I lost my dad (I was about 16), I was in constant fear that I'd lose another parent. It made me so stressed that I had panic attacks all the time when my mum didn't answer the phone or show up from work when she was supposed to.

TheBanker

AnnikaJuarez said:

It's good that you care about your partner's son so much, not only from the financial perspective but also about his future. I suppose you can be his guardian in case something happens. Well, in case you are doing well and you are fine about that. Hopefully, nothing like this won't happen. But after I lost my dad (I was about 16), I was in constant fear that I'd lose another parent. It made me so stressed that I had panic attacks all the time when my mum didn't answer the phone or show up from work when she was supposed to.

Hi,
Thank you for posting this. I am really sorry to read about what you went through. It has been troubling me thinking of what must be going on in the boy's mind.

When I started the thread, I really just wanted to understand the legal position, but I appreciate all the other replies too.

My partner and I have spoken about this situation, and we've also both spoken to her son. We have decided that if there is an emergancy which means his mum isn't able to look after him (hopefully not death, but we also need to consider unexpected hospital admissions etc), I will make sure he is safe and has somewhere to live. We'd need to work through where the best place to live would be based on circumstances at the time. It may be with me, it may be somewhere else, but in the short term it's likely to be with me until we work out the best thing to do.

We still need to sort out the legal position, and think about longer term arrangements, but at least now we all know where we stand. He knows I'll be there for him, and I know that I'd be acting in line with my partner's wishes.

For unrelated reasons, he's coming to stay at my house overnight. He's stayed here before, but that was with his mum. This time it will just be me and him. Is it a bit wierd that I'm actually looking forward to having him here?

RAS

Sounds like, apart from giving your partner's son some ease, that conversation has also allowed you to clarify how you feel and allowed the three of you to work out where you are comfortable collectively, at least now.

Well done to everyone for navigating a sensitive situation.