Can this be fair? How how would you go about it?

Pollycat

SuseOrm said:

Malthusian said:

SuseOrm said:

Yeah of course we could do that but then I’m gonna want to tenancy agreement aren’t with all the legal rights that come along with that.  

What for? You could have just been a lodger. I don't see how a hypothetical relationship breakdown would be made easier by adding a formal eviction process on top. 

Tenancy rights are for tenants, i.e. people who don't live in the same house as their landlord. 

I realise you're probably not going to move in, it just seems worth considering for future reference.

He’ll have to pay tax on those payments.  

Only if you paid more than £7,500 a year. 

What for ?  because if I’m paying rent, I won’t be leaving with any less than my Legal required notice period to find somewhere else to live along with my child. Maybe it wouldn’t be me leaving at all.  Might suit him to go and keep collecting the rent.  Certainly not going to be a lodger when I’m bringing 50% of the furniture with me am I come on?  However, lodgers would receive a tenancy agreement as well.  

Can’t have it both ways if you want somebody to be contributing and paying towards your mortgage, that comes with all the legal connotations that come with it And tax obligations.  

You have a child too?
What is the age of this child i.e. are they dependant on you?

Although you've been asked, you haven't said how old his son is.
If these children are minors, have either of you considered the impact of this 'relationship' on them?

Malthusian

SuseOrm said:

What for ?  because if I’m paying rent, I won’t be leaving with any less than my Legal required notice period to find somewhere else to live along with my child. Maybe it wouldn’t be me leaving at all.

If his son is a minor then yeah it would. A bit of poststalking suggests your daughter is a young adult (leaving uni this June), unless we're suddenly talking about a different child of yours. 

If we're now talking about two women combining households with your boyfriend and your potential stepson (presumably a minor), this is definitely something that should not be considered until the relationship has been going a long time (at least a year) and all parties have spent a long time with each other (including joint holidays) and are certain they want to live together. Money is a secondary issue.

It seems likely that your daughter would want a place of her own in the near future even if she was happy to stay in this house in the short term. 

Spendless

Why don't you just leave it  that you're dating and forget moving in until your circs have  changed?

One of my husband's bosses was left a widower with 4 kids, in order to continue to work and build his business, his parents moved in to care for the children. He then met a widow with a son. They saw loads of issues if they were to combine their households in terms of how 5 kids would fit in with each other since 1 would be go from being an only child sharing their life with their mum to having 4 step siblings and also how Step Mum moving in and Grandparents having to move out would feel to 4 children who had lost their Mum. Husband's boss and partner decided this was potentially too problematic, so decided not to bother combining homes until the children were adults and had left. They then married (we attended their wedding) later on in life. 

Exodi

Your posts suggest you may already have some resentment for him, so I certainly wouldn't suggest commingling your affairs right now.

The question of whether you should contribute towards housing costs comes up time and time again. There is no right or wrong answer, it depends what the couple agree between them. It is perfectly reasonable to see why it's not fair for you to pay his mortgage without gaining equity, and it's also perfectly reasonable to see why he might feel hard done by that you're living there contributing nothing towards housing and making a fortune from rent.

While people argue for both sides regularly on this forum, I tend to side with you on the basis that he would be paying the same amount in mortgage payments whether you lived there or not.

But don't consider me team SuseOrm just yet...

SuseOrm said:

I don’t see any advantages to hitching my wagon to his, if I’m honest

SuseOrm said:

I’m actually giving serious thought to whether the relationship continues we’re so far apart with Finances

The tone from comments like this read as if you solely look at the relationship through the lens of finances.

When I met my wife, she had virtually nothing to her name while I had about £100k in equity/savings/etc. While I originally protected myself with a Deed of Trust (it would have been foolish not to), not once did it cross my mind that I should consider the relationship on the basis of our financial differences. Relationships should be based on love, not finances.

MeteredOut

Exodi said:

Your posts suggest you may already have some resentment for him, so I certainly wouldn't suggest commingling your affairs right now.

The question of whether you should contribute towards housing costs comes up time and time again. There is no right or wrong answer, it depends what the couple agree between them. It is perfectly reasonable to see why it's not fair for you to pay his mortgage without gaining equity, and it's also perfectly reasonable to see why he might feel hard done by that you're living there contributing nothing towards housing and making a fortune from rent.

While people argue for both sides regularly on this forum, I tend to side with you on the basis that he would be paying the same amount in mortgage payments whether you lived there or not.

But don't consider me team SuseOrm just yet...

SuseOrm said:

I don’t see any advantages to hitching my wagon to his, if I’m honest

SuseOrm said:

I’m actually giving serious thought to whether the relationship continues we’re so far apart with Finances

The tone from comments like this read as if you solely look at the relationship through the lens of finances.

When I met my wife, she had virtually nothing to her name while I had about £100k in equity/savings/etc. While I originally protected myself with a Deed of Trust (it would have been foolish not to), not once did it cross my mind that I should consider the relationship on the basis of our financial differences. Relationships should be based on love, not finances.

When i met my wife, we had an even great financial disparity - and I must have been foolish as did not put any financial protection in place

Thankfully, 20+ years later we're still here and she can't get rid of me.

Malthusian

MeteredOut said:

When i met my wife, we had an even great financial disparity - and I must have been foolish as did not put any financial protection in place

Thankfully, 20+ years later we're still here and she can't get rid of me.

I also didn't use any financial protection (fnarr) when I and my then-girlfriend moved into the house I'd bought in my name, and she paid me "rent" of around half the mortgage payments (having previously contributed half our joint rent). I kept the money in a savings account and resolved that if the relationship broke down, I would return her "rent" in full in exchange for any claim to equity in the house. 

My logic was that if the relationship lasted a year or less after our moving in, I could swallow the loss of a year's "rent". And if the relationship lasted more than a year we would be married so it was irrelevant. (I proposed three months after we moved in.) We are still married so the plan worked.

(We didn't have kids so this anecdote is not intended to be relevant to the OP.)

SuseOrm

There was no side or “teams” required. This was as per the title about how to make it fair.  

AskAsk

as others have said, you two will be at odds with each other about finances as you are not in agreement.  until you have reached an agreement, you shouldn't move in.  if you live with him then he would expect you to contribute to the property, similar to rent as you are getting to live there rent free.  i know it sounds weird, but that would be the equitable thing for you to do.  if you think this is giving him money and you are not benefiting, then don't move in.

you are going to get rent for your property while you live with him, so you could give some of that to him.  bear in mind you will have capital gains tax liability if you rent your own home out.

SuseOrm

. you are going to get rent for your property  while you live with him, so you could give some of that to him.  bear in mind you will have capital gains tax liability if you rent your own home out. 

Hence why I wouldn’t be prepared to pay him any kind of rent without him doing everything officially and for him to suffer the same consequences, I would in the event of the relationship not working out.  It can’t be all swings for him and no roundabouts. 

The balance of Power is just not equal if one person has more to lose than the other. If anything goes wrong been there got the T-shirt.  

AskAsk

SuseOrm said:

. you are going to get rent for your property  while you live with him, so you could give some of that to him.  bear in mind you will have capital gains tax liability if you rent your own home out. 

Hence why I wouldn’t be prepared to pay him any kind of rent without him doing everything officially and for him to suffer the same consequences, I would in the event of the relationship not working out.  It can’t be all swings for him and no roundabouts. 

The balance of Power is just not equal if one person has more to lose than the other. If anything goes wrong been there got the T-shirt.  

i had a house and i lived in it with my mother.  i moved into my partner's house and lived there rent free.  he asked me to contribute to the rent but i said i didn't see why i should as he wouldn't get any rent if i wasn't there, so it wasn't as if he was losing out on anything.  ended up with me living there for years without paying the rent as i agreed with him that when my mother passes away, i would sell the house and buy a property with him.  we got married and when my mother died, i had to pay a huge capital gains tax on the property sale as i had to nominate his house as my main home because a married couple can only nominate one property.

we are now getting divorced, so that says it all.  we are always arguing over who should pay for what at home but mainly we split things 50/50.  if i were you, i would not move into his house if he is asking you to pay rent unless you feel this what you are happy with, and it sounds like you aren't happy with this.