brand new wannabee looking for friendly help

kunekune

Oh dear.

The first thing I would say is that these are not just your debts. They are your family's debts. From what you say, it sounds as though you are expected to pay most if not all of the bills from nothing but the CB. What the h*ck happens to all the rest of the money?

And now I am going to be brutal. If you took this story to the women's refuge or a solicitor, they would regard you as an abused woman. Abuse is not just physical. Much abuse is about excessive control: your OH is controlling every aspect of your economic life, and you have been left feeling that it is your fault. You don't say whether there is any violence involved, and if there is you may not see it as such, but verbal threats and behaviour that makes you scared is a type of violence. I don't know whether the problem can be solved by simply tightening your belt, and frankly it should not have to be. I really would advise you to seek advice that goes beyond the financial situation. This is an extreme version of the 'separate finances' that sometimes occur in relationships, and it is one that puts you and your children at risk. Yes, he suffers from depression, but I'd be asking what commitment to your relationship does his behaviour demonstrate? If your goal is to stay together (and I won't say whether it should be), he can't get better and you can't pull yourself out of this without confronting the real problem. THat isn't debt, it's the fact that you are being left with insufficient resources.

I am concerned for you, because you are setting things in train that might, in the short term, make matters worse. If you are going to confront OH, perhaps make sure there is someone else there and have an escape plan ready.

I hope you do not feel insulted at how I have described your situation, but I just want to you to be safe.

Gemmzie

Hi littlemissclumsy, haven't got much to add except why not ask Sky for their free broadband, it's not top speed but should suffice, even their £5 higher package would be a big saving for you.

fletch3163

Hi there

I've read and re-read this thread and am rather confused. All I can see are outgoings, no incomings. From what I see you feed all 8 of you out of family allowance? It's far from ideal but can be dealt with. Where is all the money? What do you do for living, where's the benefits for your disabled child, where's your husband's salary?

Your household outgoings are not horrendously bad (IMHO). I know you said your husband suffers from depression but surely being miserly isn't a side effect. What does he do with all the money?

As a basic sum you just don't have enough money at your disposal. My gut tells me this is not a fiscal problem. Do you have family/friends you can talk to?

I wish you all the best and shall watch as you progress through this tough patch.

Keeping_Motivated

I've not read all the replies you have had so I apologise if I am repeating any of them.

How much do you earn?
How much does OH earn?
How much in benefits do get?

Add all this up then take away the 'tiny' payments your OH is paying to things, then find out what he is doing with the rest. Is he saving it? Or is he spending it on himself while your debts spiral out of control??

Surely you can do this without having to confront him for now so you know exactly what you are dealing with.

Good luck

frogga

Hi there lmc

I think cleverer people than me have said what needs to be said so I wont repeat any of it other than to say, keep your chin up, you are NOT alone and you've made the best decision of this year by posting on this site and taking the first steps to sorting yourself out :T

Things are NEVER as bad as sometimes they make you feel, and there is always a way out of these problems. Keep smiling

kunekune

Can I just add, because re-reading my post, I feel distinctly brutal, that my first thought when I read your story was that you need a big hug.

MissEyre

Welcome-always nice to see a new name! I was struck when I read your posts that you are trying to do the impossible in sheltering your OH from the essential costs of living, and it seems like you have realised that it needs to stop now. Please keep talking to us, but do also consider making an appointment with the CAB about your options regarding the benefits you are entitled to, and for some support about your repayments. As others have said, the CT is your priority here.
How would you feel about sitting down with OH and just talking to him about this,and going through the bills? You will know your situation much better than any of us could with him, so please don't do this if you think it could put you at any risk. x

beverleyhills

Hello LMC

Keep strong in your resolve to change your situation. You can no longer collude with your OH for him to avoid reality.

Hard facts and a plan may even help him cope with his depression.

Good luck

RoxieW

Big hugs lmc. Like others, your post has me concerned. Even your username speaks volumes about your state of mind. YOU ARE NOT STUPID. You are trying to make an impossible situation work. There is no way that you can tackle these debts on the allowance your husband gives you. I'm suprised you manage to feed you all on that! Like others have said, we need to know exactly how much is going to hubbys accounts, how much he's paying for bills per month and what is left. Way I see it is you either need to tackle the debts together which means confronting him with the real state of affairs and working out a budget together to both tackle the debts and ensure that a realistic amount is going towards utilities per month. OR, you go it alone. Get your own bank account with your wage and the childrens benefits going in there.

The real issue to me is the relationship. How do you feel about you hubby? Are you set on sticking together or do you feel you would be happier/healthier going it alone? You can look on entitledto.co.uk to work out what benefits you would be entitled to if you were on your own.

Who's name are these debts in? Yours, hubbys or both?

Like others have said, the council tax is a priority. You need to talk to them now and arrange a payment plan.

I wish you all the best hon, and feel for you. I think you've got a tough road ahead but you'll come out the other side happier, i'm sure.

littlemissclumsy

oh wow. i am in tears after reading all your posts. there is so much support out there.

i know there are many questions to answer. reading the posts has made me alter my way of thinking in just one day!

my OH is quite a saver and i know i havent been doing either of us any good keeping bills quiet. we had a long (calm) chat today and as a result the housekeeping money is going up :j that will make my life so much easier!

i will still have to be careful with such a large family but he has seen today that this situation is making me ill.

the debts are all in my name other than the council tax (joint). i will be calling the bailiffs fiirst thing tomorrow and even plucked up the courage to tell OH we must pay more council tax!

as lots of you asked and i know it helps, income is:
OH earnings: £1100pm
My earnings: £800
Benefits (DLA, Child Ben & Tax Credits) £1600

Huxley - thanks so much for the council tax reduction tip and also thanks to the poster who advised about Sky - both really practical.

I cant thank you all enough for the support - it is amazing how things are better once you get everything off your chest. my OH was really good. we are in this long term - i do love him v much.

this was how he was brought up and i have pandered to that i guess:rolleyes:
no more!

oh and i hope nobody minds but i am going to carry on posting my 'new life diary'

sure there will be loads of ups and downs, but it helps so much to share them.