Buying a little piece of Middle England; Manifesting my way to mortgage free.

KajiKita

I suspect that your daughter is correct. The odd woman I am working with atm suffered horrific abuse from early childhood in her adult years. She has been incredibly hard on me compared to how she is with others in the business - I think I unintentionally make her feel insecure 🤷‍♀️

Sometimes it’s worth asking what am I missing out on by not managing to sustain this relationship. I have to do with that with my parents, and I can see that they mean well but are soooo determinedly out of touch with both modern life and me that there is no bridging it, unless I do all the work, which is exhausting. And then they do something utterly callous or thoughtless and rip my soul to pieces. I therefore consciously hold them at arms length these days. 

It might also be that your sisters see how busy you are in your life and wonder how they would ‘fit’ now? 

My hunch is that, as you’ve said, you’ve done huge amounts of work to resolve the suffering you all walked out into life with and they haven’t. That has created a gulf between you that probably can’t be crossed. 

I’m sorry that it causes you pain, but remember how much growth that reflects in you. 

I hope you have a wonderful break and get some proper rest … yes?? 😉

KK

debtfreewannabe321

My hunch is that, as you’ve said, you’ve done huge amounts of work to resolve the suffering you all walked out into life with and they haven’t. That has created a gulf between you that probably can’t be crossed. 

My hunch too but still makes me feel sad, mad, angry and frustrated nonetheless. They've remained in 'freeze' mode and they have always come together for one another. And when I've expressed my upset they've always responded the same, 'you're a harder and stronger person than we are you don't need us you're more like dad' which makes me more upset to be compared to my main abuser in life.... I let it go until I hear something like they're on holiday together then these feelings resurface once again. I shan't message them though I need to just realise that for me to be able to carry on growing I have to stop holding myself back and making myself smaller to fit in around my old life. ♥️

Watty1

debtfreewannabe321 said:

 I shan't message them though I need to just realise that for me to be able to carry on growing I have to stop holding myself back and making myself smaller to fit in around my old life. ♥️

Yes. That. Over and over again.  No words of wisdom but yes, they can see your growth and know you don't fit their freeze mode.   It is so sad (from personal experience things maybe change in the end but for me only did with my sister when I considered her gone from my life and after many years like that).

debtfreewannabe321

Morning all, the sun is shining 🌞 and I'm going to do some work today on things that don't pay me in cash but instead pay me soulful ways. I will fill my cup from sunshine, good food and those around me who don't require me to be anything other than what I am. 😁♥️
I want my raised beds sunk today. And I have no money left to fill them with compost from our budget for the garden... however I doubt that will stop DP doing it anyway, he's already said he'll use his pocket money as he doesn't spend it on much. The garden is looking lovely now that all the trees are blossoming and budding and greenery is poking through the bare soil. I've been very careful not to disturb the soil where we were digging big things out before and we've got bulbs poking through and flowers (I think? They're very leafy and green at the mo) and we have another rhubarb plant coming through! Very exciting. It's turning into my little sanctuary. I want to finish doing the back bit of the garden today, it's not huge but hard work clearing it all back. We're also going to paint the horrible bright red garage when we've got some cheap paint in to do it. Hopefully the sun will stay out for that 🤞🏼🌞.

debtfreewannabe321

Watty1 said:

debtfreewannabe321 said:

 I shan't message them though I need to just realise that for me to be able to carry on growing I have to stop holding myself back and making myself smaller to fit in around my old life. ♥️

Yes. That. Over and over again.  No words of wisdom but yes, they can see your growth and know you don't fit their freeze mode.   It is so sad (from personal experience things maybe change in the end but for me only did with my sister when I considered her gone from my life and after many years like that).

Hugs 🫂 I totally get it. 99% of the time I'm okay with it but the odd thing throws me off again.

daisy_1571

Well that was a hard thing for you to hear! From not knowing anything other than the bare facts you've told us id immediately say that in the most basic way you are nothing like your father.  You describe him as having abused his family members and there is NOTHING  in what you write that suggests you live your life that way.  You obviously love your immediate family and bend over the proverbial backwards to help them move forward in their growing up and becoming adults.  You and your partner also seem to have a healthy relationship.  You work in jobs where you actively try to help people. 

So, either it was an off the cuff throwaway stupid remark or without them ever thinking it fully through they've identified he had some awful personality trait that allowed him to remain detached from the pain he was, intentionally or otherwise,  causing and they've somehow felt this, on the surface detachment is somehow the same as the hard work you've done over (presumably) years to allow yourself to move forwards.   It might take an awful lot of conversation to get to the bottom of what they think and why they think it so you are probably right to not go there.  That sort of conversation would definitely have to be led by a counsellor I would think otherwise it might just descend into a rammy of he said she said and nothing ever helped along.  I

'm sorry there is a feeling of exclusion there, thats always hurtful but better to be excluded and healthier than together but 'stuck' in the mindsets of needing to cling to each other.

For what its worth, just an Internet strangers random musings, hope its helpful,  if not then of course please disregard 

Dxxx

debtfreewannabe321

Thank you Daisy what you say makes a lot of sense. I think the fact I look like him (I have his colouring more than anything as I don't actually look much like him) irritates my mum and always has and my sisters just copied her 🤷🏼‍♀️ meh I kind of think I am better off without the drama but sometimes it pops up and upsets me all over again. 

We've spent the day in the garden and have between us cleared one area again (well I did this whilst DP painted) and the garage has been painted twice. First coat covered the awful red. And we then decided the colour was too pale. So back to the shops bought a darker one. Opened it, too pale 🤦🏻‍♀️ and back to the shops refunded and tried elsewhere and have yet again a darker one. It's looking promising so far. It will make the world of difference to one whole corner of the garden for less than £30 👏🏼.
I've cleared the back section of the garden, of broken glass, and old vine that needed cutting back as it's broken the fence and the fence is being replaced by the neighbours soon so that should grow back next year.

I found another raised bed! Well, it is actually two parts of something (don't know what) that have been abandoned around the garden and as I was clearing I found them and stacked them and they fitted perfectly! So we will paint those up and sink into the ground and I will put a huge pot inside the bed and fill it with mint to try and contain the mint to just one bed. It sort of matches our new ones DP made, and once painted you won't be able to tell the difference really (albeit this one is much smaller). 
I'll sink the feet in to the ground once painted. 

I also found another tree. It was hidden in the corner and mostly intertwines with a bush hence why it was hidden and it hangs over the neighbours garden which I don't think they mind but I should ask..in fact I thought it was theirs as it hangs over that much! 
DS has taken it upon himself with a friend to try and clean some cars for money. They made around £25 today ☺️👏🏼 very proud of him for taking the initiative...he's wanted a job for ages and at 15 can't seem to find one anywhere yet. 
DD also has been thinking about jobs too bizarrely and she has applied for one and heard back asking her to interview next week. It's for an agency type job with a catering company and the interview falls next Fri. DD told her dad this and well you'd have thought the world had ended. He's gotten really cross with her saying she's done this on purpose on his time and that she should just cancel the interview 😡 I am trying to not get involved with this but it's hard.. she cuts his week short by two days. He's more bothered than her but eventually after asking me what she should do I told her to fib to him and say she's asked them for another day but they've said nothing available aside from that one for interview. Also that's true as it's an open interview day so 🤷🏼‍♀️. I am so annoyed with him though. He then came back with fine but I won't bring you home your mum will have to get you or you'll have to get a train (3 changes and she's never done this before including going through London 😡) or a coach. 😡😡. I'm angry with him if you can't tell. I wish she'd just say I won't bother going to you then. But 🤐 must keep quiet. I refused to drive all the way down there though, 300 mile round trip, nope. 

Anyway, NSD yesterday and today really as we only bought the garden stuff which has come out of DP pocket money which has nothing to do with me 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣. I'll add them to my sig. 

debtfreewannabe321

Green is the 'after' it was still wet in that pic though. It blends into the garden much more now as opposed to the glaring red. And I think eventually (third time lucky) we got the colour right 🥰🤣
The paint has dried quite shiny though and DP is a bit particular about shiny paint hopefully he won't want to paint it again. I doubt it as he did most of it on his own and it took ages 🤣♥️.

greenbee

I've painted my shed that colour DFW (it was dark green) and it blends in really well. There probably will be a slight sheen on it, but by the time you've put some pots in front of it/grown a clematis montana over the top of it, it won't matter!

debtfreewannabe321

greenbee said:

I've painted my shed that colour DFW (it was dark green) and it blends in really well. There probably will be a slight sheen on it, but by the time you've put some pots in front of it/grown a clematis montana over the top of it, it won't matter!

Very true! And I don't mind the sheen, it's quite a shady part of the garden and only gets full sun for a couple of hours a day so I think it brightens it up both colour and the sheen on it. Once the extension is done and diggers and stuff are out the way I will get some trellis to attach to it and grow bits up it 😁🌺🌺