Money Moral Dilemma: Should we give our children from other relationships gifts of the same value?

wigan1705

I have never understood why money or the price of a gift should be considered, surely the act of buying a present that the recipient actually wants is far more important than what it cost? I have two daughters, both with partners and I buy them what they have asked for or what I think they would like along with a few bits and pieces, I never work out how much I have spent on each, it is more important to me, and them, that we have thought about the gifts we buy and certainly not about how much they cost!

ShinyStarlight1

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My partner and I both have adult children from previous relationships. We got together three years ago, and historically we've spent different amounts on our children, with him giving more to his kids than I do to mine. We've been discussing whether we should make things fairer by giving gifts of the same value, but realise it'll likely upset his or my children depending on how we change things. Should we try to be fairer, or carry on as before?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

I think it’s vital to share money equally between children, even adult children. Money is not just a means to purchase things, it carries other meaning too. If you give one child less than another, it will probably be felt as offering less love (whether you intend that or not).

Wood296

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My partner and I both have adult children from previous relationships. We got together three years ago, and historically we've spent different amounts on our children, with him giving more to his kids than I do to mine. We've been discussing whether we should make things fairer by giving gifts of the same value, but realise it'll likely upset his or my children depending on how we change things. Should we try to be fairer, or carry on as before?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

As with inheritance everyone should be treated the same.

amysquie

You could do it gradually and even things up by stealth - gradually reduce the amount he gets for his children and/or increase what you get for yours over time, rather than doing it all this Christmas.  If they get a few smaller presents, get one less present, or spend 10% less for example.  The only ones I can see getting upset are those who get less in which case 1) how dare they, and 2) tell them you spent the same amount as last year but inflation is biting!

powerspowers

Sounds a difficult one and you know your family best. As someone with step siblings and step children of my own it is definitely true that gifts can get all mixed up with feelings of fairness and grown adult often have the emotional response of children if they feel replaced or treated unfairly. 

My advice would be make sure you and your partner are on the same page and make a plan together. Start from the pov that you want all the children to feel cared for equally. 

It also might be a chance for a change in traditions. There’s six adult offspring in my family plus partners and kids. We decided a few years ago to do secret Santa so everyone only has to buy one gift. This works well, the quality of gifts have improved and no one feels under loads of pressure. We get together a few days after Christmas to celebrate. 

On the subject of sore feelings. I know my dad and stepmum buy for her children outside of this arrangement, they are younger (youngest just turned 18) so I’m fairly philosophical about it. What does hurt is that the spend more money and more importantly time on their other grandchildren than on my stepsons- way to make someone feel like their family doesn’t count. Step families (and I suppose families full stop) are fraught with this emotional junk so be kind to each other. 

twopenny

If i remember the question right they are adults and you've only been together for 3yrs.
Do what you've always done. 
It's not like you have married or committed for years with young children. You're just a couple living happily together and they have their own grown up lives and homes.