Money Moral Dilemma: Should we give our children from other relationships gifts of the same value?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My partner and I both have adult children from previous relationships. We got together three years ago, and historically we've spent different amounts on our children, with him giving more to his kids than I do to mine. We've been discussing whether we should make things fairer by giving gifts of the same value, but realise it'll likely upset his or my children depending on how we change things. Should we try to be fairer, or carry on as before?

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MikeJXE

You as in you and your partner are parents of the children 

Why should you treat them differently ? Are some interior to others ?

They should be treated as equals so there is in my view nothing to discuss

Brie

Do they all want the same kind of things?  Do they all need expensive gifts??  What if your eldest is on the poverty line and his is a top earner in banking or whatever?  Surely you should be buying the most appropriate gift for each not setting some random value.  If you must, then give the same value to all, maybe buy one a £200 cashmere sweater and the other £200 towards their utility bill if that's what's going to be most appreciated.

elsien

MikeJXE said:

You as in you and your partner are parents of the children 

Why should you treat them differently ? Are some interior to others ?

They should be treated as equals so there is in my view nothing to discuss

They are adults. They have been happy with the gift they have had up until now. They don’t need to know what other step family members are given. If it were me, I would carry on gifting in the same way as I always have.
Some families stop giving gifts at all when children become adults so really, they should be grateful for whatever they do get. 

k_k_k_katy

If you are seriously committed then you should treat all family members in the same way.

Mother_of_Many

I cannot understand this type of question, and sincerely hope it’s a joke…..but in case it’s not….

This isn’t how inheritance is worked out, so why be weird about Christmas gifts as though some of your (now) JOINT children are more favoured???

I married the eldest son of a ‘blended’ ‘family’ where the other siblings sponge off the parents (no jobs, live at home free etc) and yet my hard working husband was always treated worse. Even for our wedding, his dad found a way to get out of helping us financially despite the fact he had promised- yet always had  loads of money to take his darling daughters away on once in a lifetime holidays/splash out on them…

We have a large family, the others don’t. It always seemed to me that my lovely husband was being punished by his own family for being a decent citizen, having a job, trying to put back into society, raise his own children etc. (I felt he had already been punished enough by having this new woman steal his dad away from the family home and get ‘accidentally’ pregnant when he was young and so had paid the price already!)


It caused such a rift that in the end, because of this type treatment and other nastiness from his dad, we decided we needed to cut all contact. He’s never met most of his grandchildren and doesn’t even know when new additions are on the way….
Is it really worth it??

This situation might be different in the details but for us, it all started with siblings being treated differently….it’s toxic and it’s worth avoiding at all costs.

VT82

They’re adults. Get them all socks. 

primrose_penguin

My husband and I have an adult child each from previous marriages, neither live with us they have their own homes, as I am the one who normally gets the presents I usually try to spend the same on both at Christmas/Birthdays although they do not know and have no interest in knowing, I just do so as I think it is fairer to treat them the same.

sparrer

I treat all member of my family, be they from previous marriages or not, exactly the same. We're quite a mixture, one grandson has a 16 y/o daughter, he's been in a relationship for a year with someone who has a 14 y/o daughter, I wouldn't dream of treating them differently. All adults (children and grandchildren from past and remarriages) get the same amount spent on them for birthdays and Christmas while the little ones get a gift and money to spend or save as they wish. I can't discriminate, partly because I like to treat them all the same and partly because there can be no arguments about favouritism.

JuliusCaesar

Since everyone concerned is an adult, maybe suggest stopping exchanging Christmas presents at all. Problem solved.

MikeJXE

JuliusCaesar said:

Since everyone concerned is an adult, maybe suggest stopping exchanging Christmas presents at all. Problem solved.

Everyone is different, I only give money to my 3 grandkids

 My eldest son  and wife buy for the kids and my other sons kids 

 My youngest son buys for his kids, my eldest sons kids, his wife's dad and her sister