Husband has left me

Bubblebutt9

I have been with my husband 13 years. We have two kids. We got married 18 months ago and bought a new house almost a year ago. 

This weekend he left, he’s cheating on me and no going back. The problem is the house, we have a big mortgage and a house that needs loads of work which we were doing slowly. We are also locked into a 5 year mortgage rate. 

What legally does he have to do to help financially? 

Devongardener

So sorry that you find yourself in this horrible situation.   I imagine you are feeling totally overwhelmed.

Assuming you are both on the mortgage you both have joint responsibility to pay it.  However difficult it is you have to talk him about finances to see what he plans to do.

Also book an appointment with a solicitor to get your legal position confirmed.  Many solicitors offer a free 30 minute consultation.

Brie

who has the mortgage?  If it's him then it's his responsibility whether he's living there or not.  If it's both of you then the bank can chase him or you for the payments.  

He SHOULD pay to house/clothe/feed the children but sadly some do not. 

If you can't find a solicitor to talk to try Citizen's Advice.  Is there any work related legal service you might connect with - depends on your industry or his - Bank Workers Charity, Unite Union, military etc.

Check out what you can do for freeing up money - food banks/Olio/Community fridges.  Talk to your creditors if you think there's going to be a problem on paying bills.  Are you on the bills or him?  

elsien

You probably need time for it to syncing properly before making any decisions about what happens next.
Affordability is going to be a big factor for both of you. Can you afford the mortgage on your own in the future;  can he  afford to rent somewhere and still pay towards the mortgage?
Do you work and how old are the children?
He will have to pay child maintenance and should pay towards the mortgage if it’s in his name or joint but that’s not going to address the long-term house issue so at some point it is going to be an affordability versus selling up decision if the marriage is definitely over.

lika_86

There's a lot to tackle here. But first thing I'd do is start to protect yourself financially. Is there financial paperwork in the house? Bank statements, pension statements, p60s etc. Take copies of everything and keep them somewhere safe. You never know how helpful it may be in due course to be able to evidence what he has.

If he was the main earner and if you can't afford the bills yourself then you need to work out what to do about that asap. Whilst he may have a legal obligation to pay for things, whether or not he continues to pay or not is another matter. Start investigating what you're entitled to. 

Get proper advice but start thinking about protecting yourself. For example, if savings are held in a joint account, check what sort of mandate you have on that account and whether both of you are required to consent to access, if not, see what can be done about that. 

You aren't locked into the mortgage during the fixed rate, but in order to get out of it (if needs be) then you may need to pay an early repayment charge (usually a sliding scale percentage of outstanding mortgage). 

Bubblebutt9

It’s such a mess and all come out of the blue. If it was just the mortgage I could afford it but I took out finance for a new car (because I needed one, not brand new but £15k) I also took out a loan to help with house renovations in my name :-( I feel royally screwed over!!! This house is in both our names majority of bills are joint too. My last house was mine I had £90k equity in that house that all went into a deposit for our new house. I didn’t even think to have that protected. I feel like a mug. Definitely need legal advice. 

It’s definitely 100% over, cheating is unforgivable. 

We moved here to get our child into the best school in our borough and I am not moving because it will cause so much upset to our child which isn’t fair. 

In 5 years time I can buy him out but right now I can’t do that. Also the personal loan matures in 2 years so I need him to continue paying what he pays now to make sure I don’t get into financial difficulty  

ElaniArtin

Get a really good lawyer.

If he is a good father then no matter what is between you he will want to support the kids and score points with them. If he is not then there is not much more you can do other than the law. My opinion, and this may be too soon but here it is... give him a chance to be financially responsible, and after that cut your losses, build a new, loving, unbitter life with your little ones. Don't dwell on it. Don't try to hang on to the house if it is not possible; ouch! I know it hurts but the best revenge is to rise above and be happy. Listen to country and western songs.

elsien

You are understandably furious right now.
but realistically, expecting him to pay half the mortgage for the next five years, a loan for the next two years whilst also finding and paying for somewhere else to live - knowing his financial position, how likely do you think that is?
With regards to the bills, if he’s not living there, he can have his name taken off them so it’s unlikely he’s going to have any obligation to paying towards those once he does have his name removed. 

And a slightly more positive note, my understanding is the shorter the marriage the more likely it is that you will be returned to the financial position you were in beforehand so your 90K may be protected. As you say, legal advice definitely needed.

bouicca21

You will get support and preliminary advice from Wikivorce, it’s a lifeline because the people there are hurting the same way and really are very supportive.  You will need a lawyer eventually but it’s useful to get an idea of what the possibilities are.  Remember that he needs accommodation suitable for the children too.

I think yours will count as a long marriage because the courts will count the years of cohabitation into the length of the marriage.  The starting point is 50/50 and that includes debts, cars and pension pots.  Definitely collect up all the financial information you can.  The more you know the better.

Bizzywizard

Hi,

First off, I'm really sorry your husband has been a cheatting F wit! This happened to my mum in her 70's! I no longer have anything to do with my Dad. Divorce is not a pleasant thing to go through, so get your family and friends behind you, my mum decided not to tell anyone! 

As a female I would have a really good MALE Lawyer!

My dad was shamed into my mum keeping the house (owned by her parents and my brother went for him) as he had his girlfriend/now wifes mortgage free house. So really push to keep the house or your £90k. The other big thing is his pension, my Dad did not want mum having this at all....but the court said 50/50 as they had been married for over 50 years! His pension is worth alot (one of the gold plated ones from the council). The pension is what held up the divorce as he was dragging his heels with the paperwork. My mum held out over the pension the divorce dragged for 3.5 years!

Check all your bank accounts and make sure you set up your bank in your name only. Same with any child benefit and inform the child benefit office, unless you can do it on line. Nationwide used to be great as they had an interest fee overdraft for one year(helped me in the past).

Go through the last few months bills and draw up an excel sheet to see what comes in and out. Anything like spotify/Disney/Now TV etc for example get shot of. Use market place to sell items you don't need (get your friends to list the items for you, so X does not see it).

I would also consider a female lodger, this will help with paying the mortgage/bills. Can you rent your drive out? We have a hospital close to us so drives are in demand! This is more of a short term plan, but selling may be the smartest move in the long run.

I know this is very overwhelming at the moment and you will be very upset....think my mum was in shock for weeks. We always thought we were the Waltons! This can happen to anyone!

Chin up, shower, brush your hair put some lippy and nice jeans on and smile, you may not want to....but it really helps!

Bizzy!

LightFlare

Bizzywizard said:

Hi,

First off, I'm really sorry your husband has been a cheatting F wit! This happened to my mum in her 70's! I no longer have anything to do with my Dad. Divorce is not a pleasant thing to go through, so get your family and friends behind you, my mum decided not to tell anyone! 

As a female I would have a really good MALE Lawyer!

My dad was shamed into my mum keeping the house (owned by her parents and my brother went for him) as he had his girlfriend/now wifes mortgage free house. So really push to keep the house or your £90k. The other big thing is his pension, my Dad did not want mum having this at all....but the court said 50/50 as they had been married for over 50 years! His pension is worth alot (one of the gold plated ones from the council). The pension is what held up the divorce as he was dragging his heels with the paperwork. My mum held out over the pension the divorce dragged for 3.5 years!

Check all your bank accounts and make sure you set up your bank in your name only. Same with any child benefit and inform the child benefit office, unless you can do it on line. Nationwide used to be great as they had an interest fee overdraft for one year(helped me in the past).

Go through the last few months bills and draw up an excel sheet to see what comes in and out. Anything like spotify/Disney/Now TV etc for example get shot of. Use market place to sell items you don't need (get your friends to list the items for you, so X does not see it).

I would also consider a female lodger, this will help with paying the mortgage/bills. Can you rent your drive out? We have a hospital close to us so drives are in demand! This is more of a short term plan, but selling may be the smartest move in the long run.

I know this is very overwhelming at the moment and you will be very upset....think my mum was in shock for weeks. We always thought we were the Waltons! This can happen to anyone!

Chin up, shower, brush your hair put some lippy and nice jeans on and smile, you may not want to....but it really helps!

Bizzy!

This isn't terribly good advice - especially if found out and/or the items are joint owned.

You can't on one hand admonish someone for being sneaky and evasive yet on the other do exactly the same thing

Don't let emotion and the need for any "revenge" control your actions -- very much easier said than done I know, but still valid