Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay more towards a holiday with my boyfriend who earns less than me?

soosoosmum

It's hard because you haven't been together that long and going on holiday together without knowing each other's full financial situations. You have a mortgage and bills and may actually have less disposable income or a similar amount. If you know that you have more, as others have said let your partner pay the same airfares and cost of hotel. When it comes to extras, then you can decide on how much more you would like to spend and do it subtly such as buying him a drink, sandwiches, entry to somewhere, a souvenir or whatever while you are out. People tend not to notice that as much. Whatever you choose to do, enjoy your holiday and don't fret about what you can't change.

creamsalad

He's  saving for a deposit, you already have a mortgage and savings.
Time to share salaries info?
You don't want the holiday to impact him more financially than you, tell him this and ask...
Perhaps you can pay.. the flight ... transport... like maybe a present for both...
Just ask Have a conversation ...

Sheriff23

If you are unwilling to share your salary details with him then maybe you should reconsider if you make a suitable couple.   Trust and openness is at the heart of any relationship.

zagfles

DrWatson1 said:

bikaga said:

Depending on what kind of difference the £10k is - i.e. if he makes £20k and you £30k then I'd definitely offer to pay more, if he makes £60k and you £70 then it's probably not a big issue either way. Assuming the difference is significant, then yeah, it would be nice to offer, or to offer to cover more of the day-to-day cost on the holidays.

Regardless of how you're going to handle the holiday situation, I'd mention my higher earnings - after 6 months that shouldn't be a secret, and if you stay together it'll come out at some point and he might wonder why you never mentioned it.

I'm assuming by statistics that you're female, apologies if I'm wrong there! But there are lots of men who cannot cope, even in 2023, with their female partner earning more (see comment above saying it would "hurt his pride" if you earn more), and that's probably something you want to find out sooner rather than later seeing as you seem to have your life sorted out pretty well and will likely continue to be successful and in control of your finances. If you're worried that he'd be offended by the mere suggestion of you paying more, then how will it go if he finds out in a year or two that you're making more?

I'm a little confused that you know how much he earns, but he doesn't know how much you earn. I do think that's a bit of an imbalance and I'd want my partner to know my salary if I know his.

I agree it's the relative rather than absolute difference between your salaries that is important. 

FWIW my female partner earns around £10k more than I do. I'm rather happy about this and I'd imagine most men would be. I think it's a bit patronising to suggest men "can't cope" with their partner earning more - this is 2023 after all

Absolutely. Don't believe all the stereotypes about the "male ego", most modern 21st century men would be delighted with a partner who earns more and doesn't mind paying more towards joint stuff, rather than old fashioned women who expect the man to pay on dates etc.

That's not to say you should, as always the danger with unequal contributions is that it can appear controlling, or it can set an expectation of obligation to return the favour perhaps in ways other than monetary, eg he or even you may (perhaps subconciously) think you have more right to decide what you do on holiday as you paid more.

The way I'd play it is first to discuss the budget and if you can find something he can easily afford which you're happy with, go with that and pay 50/50. If you'd prefer something more expensive, suggest doing that instead and offer to pay the extra, as it's your choice to spend more on something better.

But don't sweat it. If you've not lived together and it's your first holiday you'll find out a lot about each other and how compatible you are, very unlikely finances will be the major issue.

HailMax

50/50 - if he earns less, that's his problem and/or lifestyle choice.  Did he study or work hard to get a good & well paid job with prospects?  If not, he's only himself to blame.  Why should he be subbed....

RedPanda21

Honestly, your question seems to be more about relationships, and just happens to be posed in a holiday spending context. In my opinoin at your stage of relationship, 50/50 for a holiday sounds good.

However, if you are concerned that your partner will have a negative reaction to you earning more than they do, and you are hoping this person will be a long term part of your life then best to find out sooner rather than later. If you earn more than they do now, and they have an issue with it then it'll always be a problem, it's not like you are going to willingly take a pay cut just to please them. They either get use to it or your aren't compatible. 

However, they may not react badly at all, try not to go in to the conversation expecting the worst. Perhaps start by discussing each others savings goals and introduce discussions about money genlty.

Food of thought, you may earn more than they do, but you may also spend more. Until you have a good idea of each others spending habits it can be hard to tell.

As someone whose partner does earn more, I can say that it was an interesting issue. I wanted to be able to hold up my end and not feel like a mooch, but I also wanted to have a fair chance of saving money too. For example, if I earn £1500 per month, and my partner earns £2500 but we go halves on £1000 rent, then that is 1/3 of my salary but only 1/5 of theirs. It becomes progressively more difficult to have a decent savings rate and ends up hurting the lower income partner in the long term. As a solution we decided that we would split rent, utilities, groceries etc. (essential spending in other words) as a percentage of our take home pay (after tax and such), so for example I'd pay 40%, they'd pay 60%. And we could both achieve an average of 30% savings rate. But holidays and non-essential spending would be split 50/50, and we would keep within a reasonable budget. That way we can do nice things together and no one feels bad.

P.s. As the years have gone by the percentages have evened out, we both have good savings, talk openly and condifently to each other about money.

DigSunPap

I think you can have a conversation between the two of you and come to a resolution that is fair. Or do a holiday that you both can afford so he doesn't feel as if you have to pay extra for him. Communication is the best solution here, money shouldn't get in the way of you both being able to enjoy a holiday together.