Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay more towards a holiday with my boyfriend who earns less than me?

pitry

Years ago I was in the same position as you. We had been together for a bit longer though and we both knew each other's wages.
I paid for upgrades on our flights as it was long haul, and I am so glad I did. Wasn't cheap but worth every penny.

DrWatson1

bikaga said:

Depending on what kind of difference the £10k is - i.e. if he makes £20k and you £30k then I'd definitely offer to pay more, if he makes £60k and you £70 then it's probably not a big issue either way. Assuming the difference is significant, then yeah, it would be nice to offer, or to offer to cover more of the day-to-day cost on the holidays.

Regardless of how you're going to handle the holiday situation, I'd mention my higher earnings - after 6 months that shouldn't be a secret, and if you stay together it'll come out at some point and he might wonder why you never mentioned it.

I'm assuming by statistics that you're female, apologies if I'm wrong there! But there are lots of men who cannot cope, even in 2023, with their female partner earning more (see comment above saying it would "hurt his pride" if you earn more), and that's probably something you want to find out sooner rather than later seeing as you seem to have your life sorted out pretty well and will likely continue to be successful and in control of your finances. If you're worried that he'd be offended by the mere suggestion of you paying more, then how will it go if he finds out in a year or two that you're making more?

I'm a little confused that you know how much he earns, but he doesn't know how much you earn. I do think that's a bit of an imbalance and I'd want my partner to know my salary if I know his.

I agree it's the relative rather than absolute difference between your salaries that is important. 

FWIW my female partner earns around £10k more than I do. I'm rather happy about this and I'd imagine most men would be. I think it's a bit patronising to suggest men "can't cope" with their partner earning more - this is 2023 after all

Marshie92

If he is buying a property and you already own a property, I assume you aren’t living together. Pay 50/50, if you were living together it would be different. 

I don’t believe you need to share finances or financial information unless you are moving in together and arranging paying bills. 

There are plenty of times when you may spend more than him, if you can afford to - you may have more outgoings. 

Agent57

Pick a holiday you can both afford and split it 50/50.  Don't overthink and overcomplicate things.

You say you are planning the holiday together so you both know the price per person and are going into it with eyes open.

Smiling_john

You should both pay in proportion to your income

Husbandofstinky

Have lived together for 30 years and have roughly appropraited based on net disposable income.

Unusually we have totally separate finances but technically have a joint account for practicality purposes. At the start we appropriated separate costs (mortgage, gas, electric, food, motor etc) based on disposable income. This was not my idea but am always happy to keep the peace and it gave each party total control of their resources. The majority use an expenses account and each pay into it which is effectively the same indirectly, but this was her choice.

I would mean as I would go on and appropriate a notable cost such as this, but day to day stuff i.e. out there (food and drink) decide on the day. Under those circumstances we would alternate costs. In theory 50/50 I suppose but should be acadenic in the whole scheme of things. The initial outlay of a holiday is a major cost and to me that falls within the realms of appropriation.

For the record, my disposable income has increased notably over the years and as such have taken on more of the day to day costs accordingly. Fair's fair imo.

SStitanic

Some people given half the chance will take further advantage of someone who gives more, you need to get to know him better before you start to give more or you might be setting yourself up for future abuse of your good nature. 3 years give it 3 years to find out what kind of person he is.

honestcove

What have you done through your relationship to date I.e. how do you share costs of meals out, cinemas, days out etc. Just follow that if it’s worked and felt comfortable.

Mark_d

It sounds like you generally don't have joint expenses that need to be split?

If this assumption is correct, then I suggest you choose the holiday with your boyfriend and work on the basis that the cost is split 50:50.

For much of my married life my partner earned roughly £10k less than me.  We chose our home together, at a price point we were both happy with.  We split all bills 50:50.  When it came to holidays, we made the agreement that my partner would pay half the cost of their ideal holiday...and I would pay the difference.  So if I wanted to upgrade the holiday, the upgrade would be a treat at my expense.

JayD

Hey ho, why don't you talk to him about it?

Tell him that you think you have more disposable income than him, so are happy to chip in a bit more - or to pay for extras while you are there.

He's your boyfriend, surely after 6 months you could manage that conversation?