Struggling to keep pregnancy a secret

onomatopoeia99

MikeL93 said:

I keep trying to flimflam my way out of things but my mum is the type of person who will never let things lie. What should I do?

Flimflam will just make things worse and cause more of the same from her.  Directly confronting her behaviour might make her face up to it, i.e.  "Either you mind your own business and respect my / our choices without argument or debate, or you will see much less of us." (the polite way of saying "or you can f--- right off")

You may wish to phrase it less bluntly, but it reads to me this has been a long time coming and should be addressed before there are any grandchildren or you will be making a rod for your own back over any decision you make regarding "her grandchild(ren)" in the future.

If she asks why your girlfriend isn't drinking alcohol : "Why do you feel the need to question our choices?" would be a good response (that also covers pretty much any other area she could try to pry into, so she might need to get used to hearing it a lot until she gets the message).  Or "I don't want to" if you want to flimflam more.

finbaar

The responses to this question seem a bit ridiculous. Of course the perspective grandparents will be interested and question, they've no doubt been discussing the prospect of grandchildren already - it's not going to be a shock that there's a pregnancy coming along. The new baby will be a member of the wider family and I'm sure everyone will expect it to be welcomed by everyone.
Also it's fairly certain that the girlfriends pregnancy is already known by the mothers. Women look different in the early stages if you know what to look for - I don't so the secret would be safe from me BTW.
Worrying about the first scan and what could happen before then is understandable and I know from personal experience how things can go wrong. However, consider this. Is it better to keep it secret until the first scan, find a problem where the baby has a problem or has died and then keeping it to yourself? The alternative is sharing with immediate family so they can be a support should the worst happen.
Anyway, good luck for the pregnancy.

Gavin83

It is of course your choice on how you handle it but I think this is a poor decision. If the baby is fine then it really makes no difference whether you tell them or not. If the baby isn't fine then you'll need the support and it'll be difficult if it's only you and your girlfriend who know. It also means none of your family will know they'll need to be delicate around you for a bit. What would happen a little further down the line, at the next family get together when your mum says "You know what, I really thought you were pregnant!" Cue your girlfriend running out the room crying and you being angry at your mum even though you really couldn't blame her. I can't see anything good coming out of keeping them in the dark.

Besides your mum already knows. It's pretty obvious when a woman of that age stops drinking, especially on multiple occasions. Your excuses just make it more suspicious.

KxMx

If OP and girlfriend don't wish to share yet then that is 100% their decision. No one else has a right to know, OP and girlfriend have every right to decide who gets told what, and when. 

I know OP has had some advice before on how to deal with their Mum, there is history and as someone else said grandkids coming along is likely to make things worse, the boundaries need to be drawn now, and very clearly.

Pick a line, stick to it, repeat ad nauseum (aka the broken record technique). Even if you have to give the same answer 100 times, my advice would be not to give in. 

MikeL93

KxMx said:

If OP and girlfriend don't wish to share yet then that is 100% their decision. No one else has a right to know, OP and girlfriend have every right to decide who gets told what, and when. 

I know OP has had some advice before on how to deal with their Mum, there is history and as someone else said grandkids coming along is likely to make things worse, the boundaries need to be drawn now, and very clearly.

Pick a line, stick to it, repeat ad nauseum (aka the broken record technique). Even if you have to give the same answer 100 times, my advice would be not to give in. 

Thank you for being understanding. Me and my girlfriend have chosen to keep it to ourselves for now as we really don't think either of our parents would be able to keep it a secret if we told them. When my girlfriend's sister was pregnant, her mum told my girlfriend about it before her sister did so we want to avoid anything like that.

As you are no doubt aware I have had issues with my mum recently and had a bit of an argument with her last night as she accused me and my girlfriend of being boring as we didn't share a bottle of wine when we last went out. Me and my girlfriend are determined to keep this between us for now but the stress my mum is causing by not knowing where boundaries are is causing us some stress. I can deal with it but I am worried about my girlfriend getting stressed. I feel as though this should be a happy time for us and it is being spoilt.

Malthusian

MikeL93 said:

Thank you for being understanding. Me and my girlfriend have chosen to keep it to ourselves for now as we really don't think either of our parents would be able to keep it a secret if we told them. When my girlfriend's sister was pregnant, her mum told my girlfriend about it before her sister did so we want to avoid anything like that.

That's fair enough. You may just need to accept that she probably already knows and will keep asking annoying questions (it sounds like she would anyway, even there was no pregnancy). But she's less likely to spread it around if you haven't confirmed it.

As you are no doubt aware I have had issues with my mum recently and had a bit of an argument with her last night as she accused me and my girlfriend of being boring as we didn't share a bottle of wine when we last went out. Me and my girlfriend are determined to keep this between us for now but the stress my mum is causing by not knowing where boundaries are is causing us some stress. I can deal with it but I am worried about my girlfriend getting stressed. I feel as though this should be a happy time for us and it is being spoilt.

It takes two people to have an argument and only one to end it. If you're worried that your girlfriend might be stressed by arguments with your mother, don't have them. Roll eyes, ignore comment, change the subject. Maybe next time you are invited to go out with your mum, you should give yourselves a break and decline.

SadieO

You could say you're on a health kick and are both giving up, doing a sponsored thing, having a month off in preparation for the Christmas period etc. But no matter what you say, many people will make assumptions about pregnancy if a woman of a certain age, who usually does drink alcohol, suddenly doesn't. Honestly if it was me I'd hide the fact that I wasn't drinking. There's usually some non alcoholic beers and ciders in most bars these days. Or I'd get a lemonade in a gin glass with ice and lemon in it and let people assume it's a g&t. The fact that so many of our social events involve drinking, while arguably is not good, also means that if people see someone who looks like they are drinking, will just assume that they are! Just make sure you go to the bar yourself so people don't hear what you're actually ordering! Saying things like "it's none of your business why she isn't drinking!" to someone who asks (while true!) will just draw more attention to it and make it seem like you're hiding something. And it's just not a conversation I'd want to get into so I would just pretend to drink in order to avoid such questions! 

Congratulations! I hope everything goes smoothly and that you get to tell people on your own terms. 

silvercar

The problem isn’t often telling a couple of close relatives, it’s the fact that these people won’t then keep your secret a secret. At least if you haven’t officially told anyone, the rumour mill slows down.

A secret shared isn’t a secret.

TBagpuss

MikeL93 said:

KxMx said:

If OP and girlfriend don't wish to share yet then that is 100% their decision. No one else has a right to know, OP and girlfriend have every right to decide who gets told what, and when. 

I know OP has had some advice before on how to deal with their Mum, there is history and as someone else said grandkids coming along is likely to make things worse, the boundaries need to be drawn now, and very clearly.

Pick a line, stick to it, repeat ad nauseum (aka the broken record technique). Even if you have to give the same answer 100 times, my advice would be not to give in. 

Thank you for being understanding. Me and my girlfriend have chosen to keep it to ourselves for now as we really don't think either of our parents would be able to keep it a secret if we told them. When my girlfriend's sister was pregnant, her mum told my girlfriend about it before her sister did so we want to avoid anything like that.

As you are no doubt aware I have had issues with my mum recently and had a bit of an argument with her last night as she accused me and my girlfriend of being boring as we didn't share a bottle of wine when we last went out. Me and my girlfriend are determined to keep this between us for now but the stress my mum is causing by not knowing where boundaries are is causing us some stress. I can deal with it but I am worried about my girlfriend getting stressed. I feel as though this should be a happy time for us and it is being spoilt.

It's completely up to you when, and with whom, you share your news.

Rather than flimflam, maybe be little blunter if you get questions. Something like "That's a weird question. Why does it matter to you whether I chose to have a drink? or "That's an odd question..  We've decided we want to cut down on booze, but that doesn't affect you, we aren't asking you not to drink" 

Since it seems like they are overly obtrusive you might decide that it will help keep them off your back if you do appear to be drinking sometimes - maybe a facebook picture with glasses of  what appears to be alcohol (alcohol free beer, or apple juice in a beer glass, or schloer grape juice in a wine glass)   or you could come up with an unverifiable excuse "Oh, one of our mates is trying to give up, he likes a flutter so we've bet him we can go without a drink longer than he can" 

Silvertabby

Congratulations to you both!  I agree with the advice to go with fake alcoholic drinks at the wedding - even if they don't have 0 beers (unlikely) fizzy water or ginger beer with ice usually pass for g&t or whiskey.  

My concern would be that mum, with a few shots under her own belt, won't accept why you are on a health kick or whatever at a wedding.  If she finally clicks to what is really going on, she could  upset the bride and groom by interrupting their special day to loudly announce that she is going to be a granny.