Marry for Love OR Money??

Skint_Catt

I have two choices.

One I love have been with for a year, but works in professional sports - only earns when he wins (not much), doesn't want kids, been living with family after breakup of marriage, only if I get mortgage and support us both on £13k p/a will we ever move forward.

One I've just got to know earns big money, could provide wonderful life, but not sure I could ever feel same about him as I do about No1.

So - money or love?

Counting_Pennies_2

Personally I would say neither.

In order to survive a marriage you need someone who you can get on with through good and bad times. If you don't love that person or believe in the same things it will put an amazing strain on your relationship when you go through the tough times.

Marry your best friend, and ensure you both respect one another.

There is no use having one to sponge off another, the one paying the way will resent it in the end. You need to both want the same things, as there is no use trying to change either yourself or that person, as the way you are, think or act makes you that person, if you try to force yourself or another to do that in a different way you are living a lie that will come back to haunt you.

Heavy stuff I have put in but hope it makes sense!

Nile

I would say trust, honesty and loyalty.


I'm old fashioned and believe that if you love someone, you don't need to be looking for (or being with) more than one partner.

Skint_Catt

Thank you,

My best friend is the guy I'm with now (No1), but we have very different outlooks on the future. And I think I'm already on the way to resenting paying for everything - which feels v selfish, even if he earnt anything, but steadily, I think it would help.

rchddap1

I'm with my partner for love (certainly isn't money). We aren't married, but have been together for many years. Its hard to explain, but we just 'work' together. We fit. He is the person that I'd immediately turn to if I was in trouble, or if I was scared or frightend of something.

We don't have a lot of cash, but we are extremely happy.

Personally I would give yourself some time and see how things go. In my opinion a wedding is simply a bit of paper and another ring round my finger. It is so easy for marriages to fail that it is important that you do it for the right reasons. My partner and I have been together for quite a few years now. I know all his bad habits and he knows mine, but we're engaged and will marry when we get the cash together to do it properly. However, we both believe that there are more important things for us to spend our money on than a wedding ceremony.

A wedding is a lovely thing, but if the person who is standing next to you isn't right...then at the end of the day it will all fall apart. Only you know if either of those people are right, or if you should wait for someone else to come along.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Lillibet_2

IMHO, if you have to ask that question then you are not nearly ready to marry anyone.


Sorry, just my 2'pennyworth.

mrcow

OMG!!

I was just about to post a reply and then saw that Counting Pennies has already taken the words out of my mouth!

The fact that you are finding yourself in a position where you feel you have a decision to make should speak volumes to you......NEITHER IS RIGHT FOR YOU!

If they were...you wouldn't even have to contemplate such a post.

If you really loved the first guy.....you wouldn't be looking at anyone else! What kind of basis is that for a marriage?

If you seriously marry someone for money....what would that make you?

Marry your best friend! You just haven't found them yet. And be happy!

rchddap1

After your last post I suspect that you need to talk to No1 about things. I certainly wouldn't want to start a marriage based on resentment. My partner and I share everything, including the bills. This doesn't mean that we split everything 50:50, but he takes responsibility for some bills, and I others.

Talk to him about this, it is important. Resentment is a good way to end a marriage...not start one.

Skint_Catt

Thank you guys.

Nile, please believe me I didn't go looking for this situation. I'm the most loyal person going, but I've watched my parents struggle all their lives, and they and I want something better for myself.

Also No1 is 17 years older than me, which is (and isn't) another issue.

mrcow

Skint_Catt wrote:

but I've watched my parents struggle all their lives, and they and I want something better for myself.

But if they are they in love, what could you ask for that's better? Surely not a sham marriage based on material things (which could disappear at any time) with someone you don't love and will be stuck with.

Your parents would never want that for you.

Struggling's a fact of life, whether you have a little money, a lot, or none at all. It's who you choose to share the struggle with that's important.

[How many cliches can I fit in one post? This has to be a record!]

margaretclare

Hi all, a pennyworth from an older woman (very happily-married for the second time)

Back in 1993 when my younger daughter was getting married, I had a male friend and I asked him to be my escort to her wedding (wedding etiquette says you need an escort if mother of bride is a widow). He was happy to oblige.

He was 60 then, couple of years older than me, had just retired from the insurance world, just bought a new Merc...Had inherited his parents' house in south London, never married, no mortgage...I'd have been OK there. But, but, I just couldn't.

In 1997 I fell madly in love with the man I subsequently married. I invited him to move in with me if it got really unbearable in his second disastrous marriage, and 3 weeks later he stood on my doorstep like a refugee. He had nothing but what he stood up in, his old car, his computer, a few clothes in bin-bags and his cherished tool-kit from a lifetime as an engineer (some of the tools were from his apprenticeship and were really all he had of any value).

We both worked while we could, we work together, share our resources, both have pensions and annuities, and as others have said, we're friends. We've always been on the same wavelength which in itself is surprising because we came from very different backgrounds and life-histories. We talk, discuss, share, enjoy each other's company, and we're wildly happy.

I'd have had no financial worries ever if I'd gone along with the guy with the new Merc and the nice house in a good part of south London, rather than an old Ford and a 2-bed bungalow in Essex. I haven't got many now, just have to plan a bit and be a bit careful, although we have all we need. But I didn't love him....I couldn't possibly be any happier than I am now.

Aunty Margaret