Parents now needing care, need advice on financial do's and don'ts

bouicca21

At one stage I planned to convert the garage into an annex so that mum could come and live with us.  I’m so glad I didn’t. There comes a point when loving someone isn’t enough and what is best is to pay for professional care in a good nursing home.  We did stave off needing a nursing home for several years by paying for daily visits from carers, using day centres, meals on wheels, gardeners’ cleaners etc.  

Looking after elderly relatives is exhausting.  Think twice about putting your households together.  And then think again.  Be absolutely sure you can cope.

Keep_pedalling

It may be difficult but I think you now need a serious discussion with t your father regarding their finances. DOA could be an issue based on what you said about they health, but that really depends on the level of savings they have. If they are sitting on a large 6 figure sum then it does not matter as they will still have plenty for their own needs as well. It may also be the case that this money is coming out of excess income in which case DOA is not a concern.

Having a reasonable understanding of their finances before you have to take over as LPA will help planning and avoid shocks down the line.

lr1277

@Keep_pedalling:  Perhaps you meant POA? Otherwise I don't understand the acronym.

elsien

DOA. Deprivation of assets.

lr1277

Thanks @elsien.That makes moe sense.

@Keep_pedalling's post to work with POA. Oh well.

Edited because my 2nd sentence is not showing fully when displayed but is showing fully in edit mode:

Though in my head I sort of got Keep_Pedalling's post to work with POA. Oh well.

Brie

Mojisola said:

AIUI, if your father needed residential care, everything in his name would be put towards paying for that, leaving your mother with her pension but no savings which could make maintaining the house difficult.

If the savings are in joint accounts or shared between them, they would each keep 50% of joint savings plus what's in their individual names.

The forms I filled out for MiL finance report for the council specified that enough money from one spouse could be used towards housing costs even if that spouse was the one in care.  So if dad went into care some of his pension, which has obviously been supporting mom, would be disregarded as she would still need the support.  The basis of this is the traditional circumstances of the husband support his wife and that is built into the pensions.  I expect this in reality takes a bit of negotiating but it's something to keep in mind.  

Savvy_Sue

You say they are resisting outside help. There may well come a point when family help is no longer enough. And my view is that with cognitive impairment, if you wait until that point, it may be too late for the help to be accepted. Get it set up sooner. Talk to Dad, explain that you want to be prepared, to have plans in place before your mum can't cope with strangers in the house.

You may need to stop stepping up all the time, and adopt a cracked record technique. "Yes dad, I know x needs doing, but you could get help to do it, and that's what you should do." Of course you'll help, and help sort help out, but you won't do it all any more.

Mojisola

Savvy_Sue said:

You say they are resisting outside help. There may well come a point when family help is no longer enough. And my view is that with cognitive impairment, if you wait until that point, it may be too late for the help to be accepted. Get it set up sooner. Talk to Dad, explain that you want to be prepared, to have plans in place before your mum can't cope with strangers in the house.

And add to that - if it's all down to you, what happens when you want to go on holiday or are sick for a few days or, even worse, if you had an accident and were in hospital - how would they manage then?

It's also worth getting your GP to note that you are a carer in your notes.

lr1277

Just to add on the carers side, speak to your mum about how comfortable she is with carers coming into the house.

My mum set limits. Not overnight carers. I thin she didn't want strangers in the house whilst she was sleeping.

The carers organised by the hospital/social services could arrive in a 3-4 hour window. This was useless as dad needed to take certain medicines at certain times and mum wanted the carers to give dad the medicines. She wasn't confident dad would always take the medicine from her. Regarding the arrival times, I don't know if that was because they were paid by the NHS/social services or if that is how they treated all their clients.

Once we moved to private carers, as I mentioned before, their arrival times were a lot more consistent which helped mum as she could plan meals around their arrival.

Mum set limits because she is the one who would let them into the house and supervised them initially. Once she knew they were good, she let them get on with it.

Also regarding letting the carers in, you could have a conversation about putting a lockbox outside the house which contains the house keys. The carers (and any other professional visitors) could be told the entry code for the lockbox. I think Age Concern might sell and/or install one of these for your parents. We never bothered because as I said, mum would let the carers in.

Brie

I second the shout for a key safe outside the house - preferably in a reasonably safe location.  Ours is at the side of the house where there is a door so not obvious to someone walking past.  Not only the carers were given the code but also the doctor's surgery so any nurse etc could gain entrance.  Fairly certain the OH bought it from B&Q or similar rather than anywhere special. And installed it so it's not rocket science!!!

Frankly it's also been a saving grace to me having managed to lock myself out a couple of times and once when on holiday the OH made a comment about "did we leave the oven on?" and I was able to get a friend to pop by and check.