Not going to wedding party

IvyFlood

Teapot55 said:

I would use the pregnancy as an entirely valid reason not to go. Long way when you should be taking things easy. 

Not going to something because of one’s other half is a tactful way of turning down an invite that you weren’t very keen on anyway. (I speak for myself and my other half here!)

That's interesting cause I'd only be 24 weeks and physically its been an easy pregnancy so far (touch wood). On another forum I've been blasted for using the pregnancy as an excuse, or my husband using it.

Sea_Shell

Teapot55 said:

I would use the pregnancy as an entirely valid reason not to go. Long way when you should be taking things easy. 

Not going to something because of one’s other half is a tactful way of turning down an invite that you weren’t very keen on anyway. (I speak for myself and my other half here!)

My family probably think I'm in a controlling relationship, as DH often gets the "blame" for not wanting to go to stuff. 😉

silvercar

From their POV, they are having this party in compensation for eloping and therefore the family missing out on the wedding. So they go to the effort, in their eyes, of making up for eloping and are frustrated when people then don't want to attend.

If you don't want to go, it is obv your choice, but I would dress it up as nicely as you can. 

sheramber

I like TBagpuss's suggested reply but would also add it is a pity we didn't get more notice.

calleyw

Not sure why people have to make excuses why they can't go to events.  just say sorry we wont be able to attend.  No need to make stuff up or make out its their partners/childs fault why they can't attend.  Its like NO is a complete answer.  People need to learn that have no right to demand a reason why.

Skiddaw1

As has been said, if they really wanted a 'secret' wedding they'd not be telling anyone until it was done & dusted. Friends of ours did exactly that (we didn't find out until several years later as they really didn't want to make a 'thing' out of it).

There's nothing more frustrating than being guilt-tripped. I think you're quite within your rights to make polite excuses. I'll bet it all gets increasingly fractious anyway and you'll be glad you're out of it!

Sea_Shell

calleyw said:

Not sure why people have to make excuses why they can't go to events.  just say sorry we wont be able to attend.  No need to make stuff up or make out its their partners/childs fault why they can't attend.  Its like NO is a complete answer.  People need to learn that have no right to demand a reason why.

Sometimes you don't have a "valid" reason, you just don't fancy it, especially with long journeys involved.

"But why not..?." (said family, over and over)

The pressure to do what others expect can be quite tiring.

That's why it's sometimes easier to make up any excuse.

sheramber

I guess they want a basic wedding ceremony and then a big party afterwards.

Pollycat

TBagpuss said:

IT's not unreasonable - it's an invitation, not a summons, 

Exactly this.

And using the 'we came to your wedding so you should come to ours' is childish.

At my first wedding almost 50 years ago (which me and the groom paid for most of the cost), we had a cut-down guest list.
We invited his cousin and wife because we used to go out with them every weekend.
I'd never met the other cousin so he was left off the guest list.
Cousin 1 kicked off and said he wouldn't go if his brother wasn't invited.
We rescinded his invitation.

An invitation is a request to attend an event.
You do not automatically qualify for an invitation to an event.

TBagpuss

sheramber said:

I like TBagpuss's suggested reply but would also add it is a pity we didn't get more notice.

I wouldn't, it comes over as a criticism, and it's unlikely to achieve anything . I think the aim is to build bridges rathe r than be right. 
Id' keep it simple and try to stick to a wording that boils down to "We're sad we are missing it and wish it was possible for us to be there, but it isn't"