Not going to wedding party

IvyFlood

What do you make of this situation?

My husband’s sister (half-sister) is eloping to Vegas next month and they are having a party when they get back on 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got an invite a couple of weeks ago. We were visiting them recently and husband told them we wouldn’t be attending. Obviously they asked why and so he told them our reason which is I don’t have any leave left (my holiday year runs Jan to Dec and all holiday is either used or allocated). My husband is reluctant to go on his own as I am pregnant and he doesn’t want to leave me on my own (though I feel this is an excuse as I could manage fine I’m sure!) and the train is very expensive and unreliable.

I should also mention that the party is some 350+ miles from us as we live in the North East, husbands family are in the South East.

It’s also a very busy month for us with my husband’s birthday and our anniversary the week after and we are having our bathroom renovated as well. These don’t clash with the party but have been planned for some time and if I did have leave left/had known about it earlier, we could have planned to make more of a break of it but I can’t help but feel it’s an awful long way to go just for a party, though I do appreciate it’s their wedding do.

Husbands Mum and his two sisters (inc the one who’s party it is) are upset we aren’t attending as they travelled for our wedding (which was a 2 day event might I add). From what I understand, his sister is only eloping as she didn’t want the stress of a family wedding but is now upset we aren’t coming to the party. Of course we will still send them a gift and wish them well.

Husband is not that close to his half-sister and they have never visited us, we always visit them and we have already made the journey twice this year.

I don’t know if it’s being unreasonable for us not to go?

sammyjammy

The older I get the more I believe you do what you want to do, saying that I hate parties/people/weddings  , as long as you are polite about it you don't have to give a reason.  Anyone offended needs to get over themselves.  I say all that but do feel a sense of duty/not want to upset family for things so its a balance between conscience and desire.

hildasmuriel

You have a whole bunch of valid reasons for not going. They need to get over themselves.

DE_612183

How much older are you and your husband than the half-sister?

Perhaps they look on you as older role-type-model so your lack of attendance is seen as a way of expressing that you are not giving your approval?

Sea_Shell

We've turned down many invitations to long distance family events.  Hatches , matches and dispatches.  And had some snide "disappointed " comments about it too.

Mostly from those who assumed we'd be going and could also take them!

We usually brush it off, but our ears burn occasionally!!  

If you don't want go, don't.   

Flugelhorn

I agree - I have long stopped going to events that I don't really want to go to, particularly when they are a mammoth to get to.  Just be polite and stick to your reasons 

TBagpuss

IT's not unreasonable - it's an invitation, not a summons, and it sounds as though there are a bunch of reasons why it isn't practical for you and your husband to attend or for him to go by himself. 
If your husband *wanted* to go then the obvious compromise would be for him to go and you stay home,.

As an aside, my experience when my siblings got married was that they spoke to the people like parents and siblings before finalizing the date, because it was important to them for those people to be there so they took into account their availability when booking (of course, in my brother's case, Covid then  intervened and so in the end it was a case of "We really want you to be there but we had to book the date as it was the only one available for months and were were given5 minutes to accept it or have it passed to the next person on the waiting list, and by the way, if they change the rules again about gatherings we may have to uninvite some of you")!

In you case, I'd suggest that your husband says to his mum and sisters something along the lines of "We'd really love to be able to come, but unfortunately, between the distance, IvyFlood's pregnancy, a lack of holiday time and other pre-existing commitments it just isn't possible, but we are very happy and excited for you and can't wait to see pictures from your big day and of the party" as i think that sends the message that you would be there if you could and you wish them well.

I would not go into too much detail about what the other commitments are as I think that opens the door to them trying to negotiate, and I agree that sending them a gift and card would be nice (but not compulsory) 

IvyFlood

DE_612183 said:

How much older are you and your husband than the half-sister?

Perhaps they look on you as older role-type-model so your lack of attendance is seen as a way of expressing that you are not giving your approval?

13-16 years 

IvyFlood

Sea_Shell said:

We've turned down many invitations to long distance family events.  Hatches , matches and dispatches.  And had some snide "disappointed " comments about it too.

Mostly from those who assumed we'd be going and could also take them!

We usually brush it off, but our ears burn occasionally!!  

If you don't want go, don't.   

Hatches, matches and dispatches I love that! 

For our own hatch we will have a christening to which we'll invite said sister and her husband by that time, but in no way do we expect them to come all that way for the sake of a few hours. Of course if they wanted to come and make a break out of it then great which is exactly what we would have done in this case had we been given more notice

Keep_pedalling

If they really were eloping there would be no announcement that they were going to have some tacky wedding in sin city and no party afterwards. Just say sorry you can’t make it and ignore any further comment.

Teapot55

I would use the pregnancy as an entirely valid reason not to go. Long way when you should be taking things easy. 

Not going to something because of one’s other half is a tactful way of turning down an invite that you weren’t very keen on anyway. (I speak for myself and my other half here!)