talking about money

stoptheworldIwannagetoff

Thanks for all your replies. I don't go to his place cos he lives 200 mile from here and his work is closer to where I live so its easier for him to stay with me. He does pay for restaurant bills when we go out but that's not too often cos he likes my cooking! When we went on holiday recently, it took me a lot of persuading to get him to agree to put equal dosh into a wallet that we used for joint expenses eg hotel, food, car hire, petrol but then one day he wanted to use the joint money for his fags and when I said that wasn't a good idea, he went ballistic! He also 'forgot' to pay me back on stuff that I put on my credit card which we agreed would be shared.

I love him very much but yeh, there is more to his personality that I don't like so although I want us to live happily ever after, I don't think he will change and I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a nag or being angry/upset by his attitude.

Penny-Pincher!!

stoptheworldIwannagetoff wrote: »

My b/f and I find it difficult to talk about money. He stays at my place most of the week although he does have his own place which I never stay at. Each time we sit down to discuss financial stuff, he says I have a stingy attitude (I want us to pay equally for things, not subsidise him) and then grudgingly says he will pay his way, which then is not forthcoming, so this leads to another difficult discussion.

He has a good job paying three times as much as mine but expects me to keep him, feed him, do his laundry and use my place as a hotel whenever he wants.

I do love him very much and we have talked about getting married in the future, but am I so wrong as to expect him to pay his way whilst we are only at the bf/gf stage of relationship? Don't tell me to get out of this relationship, I just want advice on how to discuss finances that makes it sound fair and not whingy!

Sounds like my sisters new "relationship":rolleyes: ....he visits and stays over a few times a week..contributes nothing but he has sex, meals, washing, ironing, clothes bought for him, meals out etc on tap!!....For FREE!! It really disgusts me and he has a very good job. She has even added Sky Sports for him!

What bloke wouldnt want that

My sister cant seem to function without a bloke in her life and I do feel sorry for her. Her marriage has recently broken down and met this guy online and within 5 weeks all this has happened!

PP
xx

Jo_R_2

My OH also stays at mine quite often. He 'lives' at home where he pays his mum board, and she does some stuff for him like some of his laundry and ironing, but in reality he spends most of his time here. I pay the rent, pay for everything at my house, but we share stuff like cooking (if he's cooking he'll often pop to the supermarket or buy takeaway), and he's a sweetheart for driving if we go out anywhere (I hate it) but if we go out for dinner or drinks, I'll usually drive because I don't drink much, and he'll pay for drinks or food and parking, or we'll go halves. He does stuff round the house and with the car as well.

Tbh although he doesn't actually pay me money, this as we stand, ie not living together, suits us because it's mutually agreeable, he does things for me like housey and car stuff and I will sort out the rest of his laundry nad other bits like that.

I don't think you are wrong at all to expect a contribution - does he really think his presence at your house costs nothing?! I don't know if you've thought about maybe that he thinks that because you are "only" boyfriend and girlfriend (ie not living together technically) that finances is something that would really be left until later when you move in together? Maybe he thinks that at this dating stage, everything each of you has belongs to your respective selves to do as you wish with?

I'd just be frank. Say that because he's spending so much time at yours, that it would be really helpful if he could contribute towards living expenses and shopping as you are paying for two now and see what he says. Say you feel a bit awkward about doing stuff such as his laundry and him coming and going as he pleases if he doesn't actually live there and you want things to be clear so everyone knows where they stand. See what he says.

debsy42

Does he stay at your place during the week and then go home at weekends??

stoptheworldIwannagetoff

No not every day during the week, sometimes at the weekend too. If you think he is hiding another woman, you are wrong - we have mutual friends and I know there is nobody else on the scene. He is divorced for over 3 years but he does like to spend some time with his teenage kids (who he showers money and gifts on as a compensation for their lives being affected by the divorce!!)

debsy42

No, never even thought about another women. Just wondered how much time on average he spends at your house compared to his.

ceridwen

The sentence that is striking me is the one about your place being a lot nearer his job than his place is. With that - I can quite see why you wouldnt be spending time at his place (though I personally would want to visit once or twice just to see "the lie of the land").

The point I am making is that I am wondering whether he often feels the need to make his commute to work situation easier by staying somewhere that is more in the vicinity of work than his own place is. In which case - he might just as well find himself a "bed and breakfast" place to stay or a weekday only rental room in someones house
- oh whoops....forgot....sounds like he already has that and with free sex thrown in.

I'm sorry - that comes over sounding callous...and I dont mean to be....its just that is how his actions are coming over to me.

Certainly I can see the point of the previous "poster" who commented that men who are mean with money are often mean in other ways too. Not being sexist here - as I know women like that as well (but at least I only have to work with them).

I have had mean boyfriends before now.....and it turned out that they were also selfish individuals generally and would clearly take anything anybody did for them for granted and not even think of looking for ways to reciprocate. I might have given him the benefit of the doubt re money if it wasnt for your comment about his attitude to money on holiday - I think that gave his game away pretty comprehensively.

On the reverse side THE most generous ex I ever had (despite him not having much money) was also the most kind, caring, thoughtful person generally (and not just to me but generally). Speaking of which - what is his attitude towards other people (ie the "little" people who dont matter to him)?

All round - this isnt just a male attitude - I am thinking right now of women I know who go through life with the attitude that its almost a privilege for other people to be "allowed" to pay for them - but I cant say I notice much back in reverse to other people (they have obviously worked out pretty precisely JUST how little they can give/do for other people without coming over as a complete taker).

skint_spice

he sounds like my ex, when he actually moved in with us he only paid about £200 a month to cover everything and was constantly asking me to put things on my cards, and the fags on holiday reminded me of him too.
To be honest I wish we'd sorted things out before he moved in and I hadn't been such a mug! He was quite kind in many ways though it was only money he was stingy with and everytime I tried to discuss it I was tight.
It's one of the most common things couples argue about so I'd try and sort things out as early in the relationship as poss from now on. I'd work out the figures of how much things are costing you and ask him to sit down and discuss. Good luck.

conradmum

HE is the one who's tight - tight means unwilling to spend your money. And he's only willing to spend yours. Ask yourself what you're getting out of the relationship and how much it's costing you. Then decide whether it's worth it.
It sounds like you're nothing but a convenience to him tbh.

belfastgirl23

I know this is really unhelpful but from what you're saying you're a very convenient girlfriend for him. I nearly always say talk it out and try to see things from the other angle but there isn't one here. You need to lay the law down. Either he will come around to your way of thinking or he won't. If he doesn't then he was never in it for the longer haul anyway and is no good for you.

I agree with the others too. If you are serious about this man - eg he might be the father of your children - you need to know that he's willing to play fair with money. It is also true that being unfair with money is often a sign that someone is also unfair generally.

Good luck. Let us know what conclusions you come to...