talking about money

stoptheworldIwannagetoff

My b/f and I find it difficult to talk about money. He stays at my place most of the week although he does have his own place which I never stay at. Each time we sit down to discuss financial stuff, he says I have a stingy attitude (I want us to pay equally for things, not subsidise him) and then grudgingly says he will pay his way, which then is not forthcoming, so this leads to another difficult discussion.

He has a good job paying three times as much as mine but expects me to keep him, feed him, do his laundry and use my place as a hotel whenever he wants.

I do love him very much and we have talked about getting married in the future, but am I so wrong as to expect him to pay his way whilst we are only at the bf/gf stage of relationship? Don't tell me to get out of this relationship, I just want advice on how to discuss finances that makes it sound fair and not whingy!

Chollita

Doesn't sound like a relationship to me, sorry, more like you are a doormat in training. Carry on with this guy and you will be posting on the DFW board in x years time asking for more advice. What do you actually get out of this relationship? What does he actually do for you? Already he treats you like a servant, refuses to discuss important matters, and expects you to subsidise him even though he earns considerably more. Not a good indicator for a successful marriage.

AS they say... the rich didn't get rich by throwing their money about ...

shazrobo

sounds to me like he is using you, as a way of saving his cash. sorry if that sounds harsh, when my now exbf stayed at mine, he contributed to the shopping, he had his own house etc, so still had his own bills plus we both ave same kind of money, so sharing the shopping seemed fair

liney

When you visit him take a bag of your washing and present him with it. Cheeky sod.

If he is running a house as well, but almost living at yours then he can at least pay half of the shopping bill.

djdido2

I was in this situation once and could not see that I was being used. Ex b/f lived with parents. Stayed at mine the majority of the time and expected me to foot the bill for all the food etc. When I asked for a contribution, he had the cheek to call me "tight". What a joke. I was a single parent paying for two kids and him. I got rid of him in the end. He was out for what he could get.

skintas_2

why shoudl you buy your own shopping , for him to eat, not every now and again, all the time....if hes at yours hes using your gas/electric too.......whats the point of him having his own place if hes pratically moved in with you like this.......

i went on holiday this year me and another couple we know. sounds like them. everytime we went supermarket, she was like im hungry, went to the fridge and started cooking our food. when we went out i went to the bar for a drink she was like im having........how dare she i have 2 kids and work hard for what i got ......., stick up for yourself.sounds like he tight,....or just taking the micheal....

carly

work out a fair amount which will cover the extra cost of him staying at your house. Tell him how you have arrived at that figure. Ask him to agree to pay that amount into the "housekeeping fund " in advance each month. You are then being a responsible adult, not being whingy or stingy. If he wont agree, then he is taking you for a ride so get rid of him.

dearbarbie

i agree. i've recently been living in my bf's place to save money BUt
-i pay him rent
-we split all the shopping
he earns x3 what i do and sometimes lets me off the food, so i take him for a pub lunch. he doesnt charge me much rent and i've made savings but it was a bonus, im not using him, its enabled me to save up enough to get our own proper place together. i used to be pants with cash but my boyfriend really showed me the way.
this guys sounds ridiculous, calling you stingy. why spend money on things you dont need to? what a waste!! i would put up with that, sorry. you wanna tell him to change his ways, pronto! he's the tight one!!!
best of luck x

Alikay

Well you've asked him to split costs and he complains that you're stingy and never actually hands over any money he does agrees to give you.

Since you've asked people not to tell you to break up with him, I suggest you read this post http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=644737 and look forward to a miserable life complete with resident parasite.

Sorry to be harsh, but I have never known a tightwad or someone completely selfish to change tremendously : mean with money generally equals meanness in other areas of life.

belfastgirl23

Does he belive he contributes in other ways? EG running a car you both use or something? If not what is his justification for this?

I think I'd address it indirectly. Why don't you suggest taking it week about with his house and yours. Come up with some good reasons for this that aren't money related. And stick to it.

He might be still thinking that two can live as cheaply as one (hah!). or he might have been taken for a ride by someone before and be wary about it happening again. Either way doing this might open his eyes a bit.

The other possibility would be to open a joint account for household expenses. So it isn't about him giving you money but more about having an account that covers food etc.

But I'd really want to get to the bottom of this personally. He must have a reason for it.

ailuro2

Tell him if he complains about contributing he can come round after teatime, and leave before breakfast- and pay you to wash his clothes.

Why don't you stay at his? IT's normal to to and fro between both places until eventually you decide it's silly paying two lots of rent/mortgage.

My DH moved in with me after 8 months, had been getting his tea etc. cooked most of the time before that aswell- but he made up for it by buying more drinks at the pub when we went out, etc.