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Daughters upcoming wedding
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Pollycat said:pinkshoes said:The whole "parents of the bride pay for the wedding" hasn't been a thing for decades!
Couples pay for weddings themselves nowadays and save up for it.
Does your daughter really expect you to fund this wedding when they have been living together for 8 years?
Or are you putting this all on you yourself?
What is a 'wedding of her dreams anyway'?
Have you spoken to your daughter about your financial situation?
I'd be wary of accepting an offer for the in-laws to pay as it may turn out to not be'the wedding of her dreams' as they may want their say on venue, catering, guests etc.1 -
My ex and I got married at the age of 21. We were going to live overseas shortly after the wedding and weren't very wealthy but we saved up and paid for it ourselves. Our respective parents gave us money towards the flowers and cars but we paid the bulk of it and were happy to do so. After all, it was our decision to marry.
It was our wedding, our choice of day and we didn't want our parents to pay for the whole thing, though both sets did offer.
You can't help financially. Having lived with her fiance for years I'm sure your daughter wouldn't expect you to. I know I wouldn't. (Although I'm now divorced . . . but I never wanted my parents to feel obligated in that way.)
If your prospective son-in-law's parents are happy to help out financially, then they should do so. You shouldn't feel guilty. Your daughter only has one parent. I have been a single parent (after our marriage imploded) and know how difficult it is but your daughter is nearly 30 now. She and her fiance could probably pay for the whole thing themselves.Please note - taken from the Forum Rules and amended for my own personal use (with thanks) : It is up to you to investigate, check, double-check and check yet again before you make any decisions or take any action based on any information you glean from any of my posts. Although I do carry out careful research before posting and never intend to mislead or supply out-of-date or incorrect information, please do not rely 100% on what you are reading. Verify everything in order to protect yourself as you are responsible for any action you consequently take.1 -
Keep_pedalling said:Pollycat said:pinkshoes said:The whole "parents of the bride pay for the wedding" hasn't been a thing for decades!
Couples pay for weddings themselves nowadays and save up for it.
Does your daughter really expect you to fund this wedding when they have been living together for 8 years?
Or are you putting this all on you yourself?
What is a 'wedding of her dreams anyway'?
Have you spoken to your daughter about your financial situation?
I'd be wary of accepting an offer for the in-laws to pay as it may turn out to not be'the wedding of her dreams' as they may want their say on venue, catering, guests etc.
I can't say if they were all control freaks though.3 -
I'd just say speak up early on and let them know your position. That's what I regret not doing. Our son marries this year and has been engaged for 2, but for a year of this he was still a student, I wasn't working (having lost my job during the 1st lockdown) and we were still supporting him and his sister in an overlapping year of being a student. The date had already been set and the details very much taken over by the other side of the family - who have then complained about the cost, whilst not involving us or keeping us informed in any way. Spiralling costs have only just come to light, which seems to be due to the large number of guests invited on the other side, and there's things that IMO could be done without. We have now taken on some of the costs as we did say we'd contribute but we should have made it clear what and how much from the beginning.1
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I doubt they will be expecting you to pay. Let them make their own plans. I'd gently encourage them not to splurge too much as weddings have got to be one of the biggest money wastes out there.
I can't remember most of the weddings I've been to but the ones I can remember are usually the small informal ones
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My parents paid for my wedding, I was 23 and recently finished university. When my son got engaged we expected to contribute to his wedding. My daughter-in-laws parents had got married when they were much older and had a small wedding that they paid for themselves. So the expectations of the young couple were very much different. Before my DIL would accept that we intended to contribute, we had to be very clear that it was their wedding on their terms and there were no strings attached.I'm a Forum Ambassador on the housing, mortgages & student money saving boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Forum Ambassadors are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.1
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christina_p said:Hello everyone
Newbie here!! I would really love some advice about how to help my daughter have the wedding of her dreams!Btw she is 29 has been with her partner for 8 years & living in their own house which they did by themselves without any help from me except lots of practical!I am stuck as to know what to do atm try why got engaged last weekend & plan to marry next August!I was made redundant just before covid & have been only earning a small salary in the last few years as I’m 60 but am heavily involved with my local community volunteering etc.
I literally don’t have a spare penny, no savings left, we have no family & her father has been absent her whole life ( even though I have been desperately trying to find him!)
Any constructive advice & suggestions would be really welcome!!Very worried & stressed parent! 😭😭
ps one other consideration for me is that her in laws have offered to pay for everything which is so humiliating for me & as much as I know I have no reason whatsoever to feel bad, being a single parent to two daughters for over 30 years, but they are quite substantially well off!
what I would suggest is:- Decide early on what financial help (if any_ you can offer, tell your daughter what it will be. That way, thy can plan from the start knowing what the budget is taking into account what you can offer, what they have saved, and what the other parents can offer.
- Think about whether there is anything else you might be able to offer - obviously this depends hugely on what kind of wedding they want and what would appeal to them, but for instance, if they want a traditional fruit cake, you could offer to make the cake for them, if you live near them you could ask whether they would like any help with things such as sending out invitation (i.e. help that required time not money)
All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)1 -
Pollycat said:pinkshoes said:The whole "parents of the bride pay for the wedding" hasn't been a thing for decades!
Couples pay for weddings themselves nowadays and save up for it.
Does your daughter really expect you to fund this wedding when they have been living together for 8 years?
Or are you putting this all on you yourself?
What is a 'wedding of her dreams anyway'?
Have you spoken to your daughter about your financial situation?
I'd be wary of accepting an offer for the in-laws to pay as it may turn out to not be'the wedding of her dreams' as they may want their say on venue, catering, guests etc.
We were in our 30s when we got married. We were both on good salaries (RAF SNCOs) whereas my parents were on little more than their State pensions.
My (old school) dad asked what our wedding plans were, specifically the likely cost, and the look on his face when I assured him that we would be paying for everything ourselves was just priceless5 -
The best weddings I have been to were the ones that weren’t over organised and formal. One of my friends had no money so we all chipped in with home cooked food and had a great time because it was relaxed. At another the weather was atrocious with torrential rain, the bride just put her walking boots on to dance in the marquee and everyone chilled. The point is weddings don’t have to be big lavish affairs to be memorable. Be realistic, don’t go beyond your means and don’t stress.
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You are there for them both. Offer your support, ideas (if asked) and practical help.
If the in laws have offered to pay for it all, that's fine, as long as they don't expect it to be what THEY want as opposed to what the bride and groom want.
Just be there for her
:hello:1
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