Daughters upcoming wedding

christina_p

Hello everyone 
Newbie here!! I would really love some advice about how to help my daughter have the wedding of her dreams! 

Btw she is 29 has been with her partner for 8 years & living in their own house which they did by themselves without any help from me except lots of practical! 

I am stuck as to know what to do atm try why got engaged last weekend & plan to marry next August! 

I was made redundant just before covid & have been only earning a small salary in the last few years as I’m 60 but am heavily involved with my local community volunteering etc.
I literally don’t have a spare penny, no savings left, we have no family & her father has been absent her whole life ( even though I have been desperately trying to find him!) 
Any constructive advice & suggestions would be really welcome!! 

Very worried & stressed parent!  😭😭

ps one other consideration for me is that her in laws have offered to pay for everything which is so humiliating for me & as much as I know I have no reason whatsoever to feel bad, being a single parent to two daughters for over 30 years, but they are quite substantially well off! 

Flugelhorn

at that age an having been independent for so long I would just let them get one with it. offer them a gift of what you can afford however small, they will have to realise you can't afford to do anymore / put yourself in debt. just enjoy the day 

pinkshoes

The whole "parents of the bride pay for the wedding" hasn't been a thing for decades!

Couples pay for weddings themselves nowadays and save up for it. 

And a "wedding of dreams" certainly doesn't have to be expensive. 

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it - no big deal and certainly not humiliating. Just tell you're daughter that money is tight so you will only be able to make a small contribution to the wedding, perhaps paying for the cake?

Mojisola

christina_p said:

Btw she is 29 has been with her partner for 8 years & living in their own house which they did by themselves without any help from me except lots of practical!

I literally don’t have a spare penny, no savings left, we have no family & her father has been absent her whole life ( even though I have been desperately trying to find him!)

ps one other consideration for me is that her in laws have offered to pay for everything which is so humiliating for me & as much as I know I have no reason whatsoever to feel bad, being a single parent to two daughters for over 30 years, but they are quite substantially well off! 

We got married over 40 years ago and didn't expect the parents to pay - we arranged what we knew we could afford.

As your daughter, I would be very wary of accepting the in law's offer, knowing that you wouldn't be able to offer the same.

The practical help you have given them is probably most appreciated - you don't have to match pounds for pounds - you're helping them in just as important ways.

Remember - people who are wealthy can hand over money without it affecting them at all - you being available to roll up your sleeves and muck in have already given more of yourself than money.

Sea_Shell

Whatever you do, don't be tempted to get into debt to pay for (any of) it!!

Just give what you can afford, if anything, out of SAVINGS, once you've put something aside for a new hat! 

Robin9

Your daughter will know the sacrifices that you have made for her over the years.

sheramber

Both my children got married  after living with their partners for several years.

Both paid for their own weddings- one was lavish , one was a small affair. 

Neither expected us to pay for the weddings.   We gave  them  what we could afford.

We gave money to out towards their 'honeymoon' .

Keep_pedalling

Please don’t be down on yourself about this, your future SILs parents are obviously in a better financial situation than you, but they are not doing this to humiliate you, the old rubbish about the brides parents paying for everything is a hang over from feudal times when the bride would have to to come with a dowry.

Your daughter will need lots of support other than financial and I am sure you will do more than your fair share of providing that.

bluelass

 Don't feel bad about this.
My dad and late mum didn't give me anything towards my first wedding even a card .
I'm getting we'd again in December and don't expect my dad or in laws to be to contribute anything.
To be honest though I'm glad that my parents never helped with my first my family and friends had big doubts .
I'm giving evidence against my ex in August for coercive control.

Pollycat

pinkshoes said:

The whole "parents of the bride pay for the wedding" hasn't been a thing for decades!

Couples pay for weddings themselves nowadays and save up for it.

+1 to this.
Does your daughter really expect you to fund this wedding when they have been living together for 8 years?
Or are you putting this all on you yourself?

What is a 'wedding of her dreams anyway'?

Have you spoken to your daughter about your financial situation?

I'd be wary of accepting an offer for the in-laws to pay as it may turn out to not be'the wedding of her dreams' as  they may want their say on venue, catering, guests etc.

otb666

my son had to cancel his wedding plans 3 times because of the lockdowns, The plans became smaller and smaller after they lost money on the cancellations.  They finally got married on fourth attempt and it was a very small affair only 13 people but it was a lovely day