How to resolve unfair division of stuff after death of a parent

silversnail

Recently, and sadly, our dad died, leaving us the house to sort out.  I have two siblings.  My brother has taken a few bits of expensive furniture.  He does not speak to me, and I said to my sister that I was happy he has the furniture, but that its value needs to be taken into consideration.  She is now saying that he can just have it (he is not the most straightforward person, and she is frankly avoiding the confrontation). There are no other things that could be shared out between us to offset it.  It is just material goods, I know, and perhaps I should just let it go, but I find myself rather cross about it -  I also like things to be fair.  (I could add that she and I have done all the paperwork and clearing of the house, and he has done nothing at all.  I did this because I had the flexibility to do it, and took time off work, spent time away from my kids, and lost money because I did, but I was happy to do this as someone has to,  Now that is also galling me!  I wish I was a better person and could let it all wash over me!!!) Does anyone have words of wisdom about how to resolve this, or how to come to terms with it?

elsien

Is there a will and executor, or has someone applied for letters of administration and if so who was that?
Because whoever it is, that is pretty much their role. 

SiliconChip

Sorry for your loss.

As @elsien says, it's the job of the Executor so we need to know who that is, you, all 3 of you, any combination of 2? If, for example, it's just you, then you are right that the value of the furniture that your brother has taken needs to be allowed for when the estate accounts are drawn up, and if the estate is to be equally shared between the 3 of you then that will mean a deduction from what is eventually paid to him from the residue. If it's not just you then the views of the other executor(s) need to be taken into account and you might get overruled.

I should also say that just because furniture was expensive to buy does not mean it is worth a significant amount now, most second hand furniture is only worth a fraction of it's original value.

Tigsteroonie

Just say to yourself "Is this a battle that I really want to fight?"

You'll be prolonging contact with him if you decide you want to pursue efforts to rectify the imbalance. Personally, I'd just cut your losses.

oldernonethewiser

Unfortunately life isn't fair.

As SiliconChip rightly points out the original cost will not equate to the furniture's current value.

Having recently dealt with a family death I have come to understand the difference between cost, value & worth.

The executor(s) should of course deal with all this and you may well be in that position.

You ask how to resolve it.  What do you want to happen, realistically?

silversnail

Thanks lovelies.  I understand what you say about the value of the furniture; it would sell today for several grand as it is desirable.  We are all 3 executors.  
Yes, yes, I expect you are right that it probably makes sense to cut my losses for the sake of ease. I needed someone to say that.  Is it weak to do that?  Or do I get to feel smug at the moral highground?
What do I want to happen, realistically? For all concerned (and especially the more ridiculous family members) to see that I am right, of course!  (For the sake of fairness, I would say that I want the value of the furniture is split between us, just as the value of the car will get split when that is sold too.)
And yes, I understand this is the moneysavingexpert forum, but money is the least of it all, isn't it?

oldernonethewiser

In situations like this emotions trump money.

But, you have to find a way to compartmentalise yours so you can deal with the practicalities. 

It isn't nice and it isn't easy and ultimately this can cause a rift that will never heal.

Don't let the bitterness eat you up, it isn't worth it.

Best of luck.

Sarahspangles

Has your brother taken ‘family heirloom’ furniture for his own home, and then to pass on?  

MalMonroe

Hi, I just want to say I'm very sorry for your loss.

And even though you and your brother don't speak, he's also lost his dad. I'm with your sister here, maybe because I'm also a sister but you're all obviously upset about your dad and also about clearing out the property. When my dad died, four years after my mum, I found it a really difficult and very upsetting thing to have to do. My brother found it nigh-on impossible to do and so I had to do most of it alone. But I did it and we didn't fall out but maybe because I'm the eldest I felt I had to do it, for my parents' sakes. Neither of us could bear to keep any of the furniture. Some people can but we couldn't. We donated it all to charity - our parents were very charitable people and would have been glad to know that others had been helped.

I would let it go. You are feeling angry and that's understandable but have you thought that it could be combined with or even caused by your grief?

When the pain of your mutual loss has eased, do you think that you and your brother may ever be able to speak to each other again? You're siblings, blood relatives. It's always really sad when siblings don't speak to each other.

You have the opportunity to be the bigger person. Your sister realises that and she is right. And you are right when you say it's only things. If you can forgive and try to understand, then you will definitely feel better in yourself. But you have to be kind to yourself as well,it's early days yet. 

All the very best to you, I hope you can manage to forgive your brother.  

silversnail

Unfortunately there has been a rift for years.  My brother has the furniture for his house, but he has no partner or children; he is over 50 so unlikely to have children to pass things on to.  As I said, I was ok with him having it on the proviso that the value was deducted in proportion from any money left to us.  But that may well not happen.  
Thank you everyone for your wise words.  

Daniel54

In different circumstances I am at odds with one of my co- executors regarding the disposal of chattels.An email last week required some deep breaths and a long walk.As you say ,dealing with this stuff evokes emotional responses.

However

If your sister is the interlocutor between you and your brother ,then maybe the kindest thing you can do for her is allow her to make the decision,and then abide by it

Assuming the furniture in question has been professionally valued,she can elect whether to ask your brother to knock the value off his inheritance or not.From your OP she is disinclined to do so,in which case,so be it.

At the end of the day,the prize is to finalise and distribute the estate and them move on .