Financial settlement for divorce Help

ali137

MalMonroe said:

Hi, don't you have your own solicitor?

You said "I will suggest to her solicitor to take lump sum and use it for living expenses and then after it runs out for her to go back on universal credit."  Normally solicitors will communicate with each other about this kind of thing. When I was divorcing I'd have refused to do whatever my ex said without discussing the benefits for me and our daughter with my solicitor first.

Everything you spent on anything while you were married was for the good of the family, including your own three children. You shouldn't be resentful of that.

You also said "I want a clean break and move on with my life". But that's going to be difficult when you have three children. You can't have a clean break from them. Their lives must have been turned upside down when their parents separated and not only that but they had to move out of their home. The first thing my own solicitor advised when my marriage broke down was for me to stay in the marital home with our daughter. And my ex husband had to move out.

tightauldgit, above, makes a lot of good points. I also think it'd not be a bad thing to go to court because then things would be sorted out properly. And in a pragmatic way devoid of emotion. I know it's really difficult to be reasonable and sensible when you're in the middle of a divorce - I've been there, too and still have the T shirt.

The mediator you saw was probably thinking of your children and not you or your ex. But as the children are with your ex, you unfortunately were by-passed. Any mediator, or court, will focus first and foremost on the children, their welfare and their needs before they'll consider anything else. I discovered that my own needs and wishes were immaterial unless they benefited our daughter too.

Although your ex is currently on benefits, it sounds as if she's making every effort to be self-supporting and surely that'll be beneficial for you, too, in the long run. Working as well as being a single parent is no picnic, I can tell you, whether it's full or part time.

You've said "If i had the money, then I would support her and myself, but i cant, she thinks i can." - again not mentioning your children. Your ex doesn't want money solely for herself, she needs it for your children. 

And this is why you need to get your solicitors together and start working out finances and sharing of custody, things like that. At the moment it seems like you're going round in circles and have been for almost two years now.

I'd strongly advise against this - "Thank you about the tip about shared ownership, i will highlight this if and when her solicitor contacts me. I will also mention about her going full time work when my youngest is in secondary school, 3 years time"

That's just inflammatory.

And I'd definitely get my own solicitor if you don't have one. 

Thank you for replying. 

i cannot afford a solicitor, to much money. I did get free advice from them and other organisations. I have no choice but to go it alone, ex has legal aid so can get a solicitor. 

ali137

tightauldgit said:

ali137 said:

Thank you for the reply 

i think i know deep down that renovation costs is gone, but still i will highlight this. 

Meditor has highlighted to her she will loose benefits if she receives lump sum, I thought meditation was impartial. When I highlighted things to mediator regarding my situation , they did not want to know, they did not advise me on anything. 

I want to avoid court because i know it will drag out more (she wants this to happen), I started a no fault divorce and i thought it will be over in 7 mont but 9 months now, no resolution. Having a no fault divorce was pointless. 

I will not be able to pay rent, pay towards a mortgage for her, pay child maintenance, i am struggling financially at that moment, so when this all over i will not be able to manage two households. 

If i had the money, then I would support her and myself, but i cant, she thinks i can. 

I will wait this week and see what happens from her side, if no contact is made by her solicitor with me, then next week i have no choice but to submit Form A to the court myself. I contacted financial remedy team at court today and there is nothing on the system showing Form A has been submitted by her. 

So much stress. 

See this is the mistake that many (and I did it too) make. Court does not drag the process out more - court resolves the matter. it takes a while yes, you're probably talking about 12 months minimum to get a resolution depending on how busy the court is. BUT you know what takes even longer? Arguing back and forward about every little thing without any referee or clock to tell you it's time to stop and make a decision now or one will be made for you. And if you do come to an agreement in the meantime then you just put that in front of the court and it's all done. You would need the court to sign off on the final consent order anyway. 

My advice - get the forms in to the court, drop the complaint about the renovation costs because it makes you sound like one of 'those' husbands, get your own financials straight on what you have coming in and going out and what you can afford and cant. You are going to have to pay child maintenance no matter what so that's not up for debate. 

If you have three kids then presuming you want to see them sometimes then you would need probably a three bed at a minimum? So what's that going to cost you and what does that leave you with? Probably not very much once you factor in all the bills too. How much could you borrow if you want to buy? 

Thank you for the reply. 

I think time for me to submit Form A to court next week if her solicitor has not taken any action. 

I have all the working out income and outgoing on excel spreadsheet. I will be left with nothing, i will see how i will survive. 

ali137

I called the financial team and financial remedy application has not been made by her solicitor on the online portal. She is trying to drag this out because she does not want to divorce me.  

Called divorce team and they said the judge has approved the stay on divorce  (due to financial) on 17 April 2023, they will send me and her a notification via HMCTS

This no fault divorce is pointless, as the other party who does not want divorce can just block the final order by putting a financial settlement stay on the divorce and drag it out, stupid system. 

Can someone please tell me when I applied for the no fault divorce i ticked “NO” to financial arrangement section, if I submit Form A to court now, will it cause problems for me making the financial remedy application.

tightauldgit

ali137 said:

I called the financial team and financial remedy application has not been made by her solicitor on the online portal. She is trying to drag this out because she does not want to divorce me.  

Called divorce team and they said the judge has approved the stay on divorce  (due to financial) on 17 April 2023, they will send me and her a notification via HMCTS

This no fault divorce is pointless, as the other party who does not want divorce can just block the final order by putting a financial settlement stay on the divorce and drag it out, stupid system. 

Can someone please tell me when I applied for the no fault divorce i ticked “NO” to financial arrangement section, if I submit Form A to court now, will it cause problems for me making the financial remedy application.

You might want to give the court a call and just check what the right process is. It may be that you are actually starting a new application for a financial order separate to the divorce application, or it may be that you can just tag this on to the ongoing process. 

In my case it was slightly different because I applied for the divorce without a financial order and got it all signed off and done and dusted and then my ex-wife made a separate application for a financial order. 

ali137

tightauldgit said:

ali137 said:

I called the financial team and financial remedy application has not been made by her solicitor on the online portal. She is trying to drag this out because she does not want to divorce me.  

Called divorce team and they said the judge has approved the stay on divorce  (due to financial) on 17 April 2023, they will send me and her a notification via HMCTS

This no fault divorce is pointless, as the other party who does not want divorce can just block the final order by putting a financial settlement stay on the divorce and drag it out, stupid system. 

Can someone please tell me when I applied for the no fault divorce i ticked “NO” to financial arrangement section, if I submit Form A to court now, will it cause problems for me making the financial remedy application.

You might want to give the court a call and just check what the right process is. It may be that you are actually starting a new application for a financial order separate to the divorce application, or it may be that you can just tag this on to the ongoing process. 

In my case it was slightly different because I applied for the divorce without a financial order and got it all signed off and done and dusted and then my ex-wife made a separate application for a financial order. 

Thank you

if you dont mind please can you tell me how long after your final order (degree absolute) did she claim for financial order? 

How many weeks before 1st hearing? How long did financial order take, how many months, did you both agree at first hearing or did it go to 3rd hearing? 

Did you both have solicitors? Or did you represent your own-self in court 

mark5

Make sure the the financial order is sorted before the divorce is done.

Dont do it without a solicitor pay them the minimum they will accept each month and the balance out of your share of the settlement. 

Personally I would refuse to consider the mesher order it ties you to her for a long time financially and will stop you getting a mortgage.

With one child being 17 it might help you if the financial settlement drags on a bit there will be 2 dependents not 3.

Forget about the 70k and concentrate on getting as close to 50% of total assets. 

Don’t run up massive legal bills fighting over trivial amounts.

Your in a strong position being in the house where the equity is from a divorce point of view your ex has a house to live in and the judge won’t be bothered about her benefits being reduced due to the divorce settlement.

The judge will give a settlement that they see is fair that doesn't mean you or your ex will see it as fair.

ali137

mark5 said:

Make sure the the financial order is sorted before the divorce is done.

Dont do it without a solicitor pay them the minimum they will accept each month and the balance out of your share of the settlement. 

Personally I would refuse to consider the mesher order it ties you to her for a long time financially and will stop you getting a mortgage.

With one child being 17 it might help you if the financial settlement drags on a bit there will be 2 dependents not 3.

Forget about the 70k and concentrate on getting as close to 50% of total assets. 

Don’t run up massive legal bills fighting over trivial amounts.

Your in a strong position being in the house where the equity is from a divorce point of view your ex has a house to live in and the judge won’t be bothered about her benefits being reduced due to the divorce settlement.

The judge will give a settlement that they see is fair that doesn't mean you or your ex will see it as fair.

Thank you for the reply.  

She has already blocked me getting the final order divorce paper by her solicitor putting a stay (block) on the divorce until financial settlement is done. Her solicitor recommended  both of us do mediation which we done and did not agree because she has been made aware by mediator she will loose benefits if she receives lump sum. Guess what now, checked again yesterday,  no movement from my Ex, nothing, her solicitor has not applied with Form A to court. 

yes, that's why I do not accept Mesher order, i want clean break and move on. 

I called several solicitors and they said you cant pay out of the settlement money, you have to pay each months which i cant afford. Even if i get a loan, how do i pay the loan repayments and bills, child maintence. I will have to go it alone, no choice. ( i looked at solicitors and barrister bill if it goes to 3rd hearing £10k) 

I will submit Form A next week. 

mark5

ali137 said:

mark5 said:

Make sure the the financial order is sorted before the divorce is done.

Dont do it without a solicitor pay them the minimum they will accept each month and the balance out of your share of the settlement. 

Personally I would refuse to consider the mesher order it ties you to her for a long time financially and will stop you getting a mortgage.

With one child being 17 it might help you if the financial settlement drags on a bit there will be 2 dependents not 3.

Forget about the 70k and concentrate on getting as close to 50% of total assets. 

Don’t run up massive legal bills fighting over trivial amounts.

Your in a strong position being in the house where the equity is from a divorce point of view your ex has a house to live in and the judge won’t be bothered about her benefits being reduced due to the divorce settlement.

The judge will give a settlement that they see is fair that doesn't mean you or your ex will see it as fair.

Thank you for the reply.  

She has already blocked me getting the final order divorce paper by her solicitor putting a stay (block) on the divorce until financial settlement is done. Her solicitor recommended  both of us do mediation which we done and did not agree because she has been made aware by mediator she will loose benefits if she receives lump sum. Guess what now, checked again yesterday,  no movement from my Ex, nothing, her solicitor has not applied with Form A to court. 

yes, that's why I do not accept Mesher order, i want clean break and move on. 

I called several solicitors and they said you cant pay out of the settlement money, you have to pay each months which i cant afford. Even if i get a loan, how do i pay the loan repayments and bills, child maintence. I will have to go it alone, no choice. ( i looked at solicitors and barrister bill if it goes to 3rd hearing £10k) 

I will submit Form A next week. 

Pay a divorce solicitor even if its just to fill in your forms, check the other sides forms etc. 
Ticking the wrong box or answering a question wrong might prove expensive.

By moving out of the family home your ex has done you a massive favour, I moved out thinking my ex was buying me out at 50/50 (I had put an extra 50k in a few years earlier) she had already been to see a solicitor and had no intention of doing this, she would cause arguments then ring the police saying I was harassing her. 

A lot of her solicitors letters will suggest all sorts when in reality they are empty threats and more what they want to happen not what will actually happen. 

There is nothing stopping you making an offer via her solicitor to sell both houses and split the equity and pensions 50/50.

Remember the majority of a pension is taxable and can’t be accessed until about 57/58 so if they say she gets 90k cash because you have 90k pension thats a bad deal for you. 

ali137

mark5 said:

ali137 said:

mark5 said:

Make sure the the financial order is sorted before the divorce is done.

Dont do it without a solicitor pay them the minimum they will accept each month and the balance out of your share of the settlement. 

Personally I would refuse to consider the mesher order it ties you to her for a long time financially and will stop you getting a mortgage.

With one child being 17 it might help you if the financial settlement drags on a bit there will be 2 dependents not 3.

Forget about the 70k and concentrate on getting as close to 50% of total assets. 

Don’t run up massive legal bills fighting over trivial amounts.

Your in a strong position being in the house where the equity is from a divorce point of view your ex has a house to live in and the judge won’t be bothered about her benefits being reduced due to the divorce settlement.

The judge will give a settlement that they see is fair that doesn't mean you or your ex will see it as fair.

Thank you for the reply.  

She has already blocked me getting the final order divorce paper by her solicitor putting a stay (block) on the divorce until financial settlement is done. Her solicitor recommended  both of us do mediation which we done and did not agree because she has been made aware by mediator she will loose benefits if she receives lump sum. Guess what now, checked again yesterday,  no movement from my Ex, nothing, her solicitor has not applied with Form A to court. 

yes, that's why I do not accept Mesher order, i want clean break and move on. 

I called several solicitors and they said you cant pay out of the settlement money, you have to pay each months which i cant afford. Even if i get a loan, how do i pay the loan repayments and bills, child maintence. I will have to go it alone, no choice. ( i looked at solicitors and barrister bill if it goes to 3rd hearing £10k) 

I will submit Form A next week. 

Pay a divorce solicitor even if its just to fill in your forms, check the other sides forms etc. 
Ticking the wrong box or answering a question wrong might prove expensive.

By moving out of the family home your ex has done you a massive favour, I moved out thinking my ex was buying me out at 50/50 (I had put an extra 50k in a few years earlier) she had already been to see a solicitor and had no intention of doing this, she would cause arguments then ring the police saying I was harassing her. 

A lot of her solicitors letters will suggest all sorts when in reality they are empty threats and more what they want to happen not what will actually happen. 

There is nothing stopping you making an offer via her solicitor to sell both houses and split the equity and pensions 50/50.

Remember the majority of a pension is taxable and can’t be accessed until about 57/58 so if they say she gets 90k cash because you have 90k pension thats a bad deal for you. 

Thank you. 

100% I will not agree with me just having my pension, i need to survive now, for me everything should be 50/50 split, if that does not happen then I am willing to take less, but not that i get pension and she gets cash. I asked her several months ago to be civil and split everything 50/50 but she said she wants to go through court and wants judge to decide. When she was made aware by mediator she will loose benefits if she  receives lump sum, now she at a stand still and doing nothing. She was the one who instructed the solicitor and put home rights on the property, now she does not want to do anything. 

Pointless being civil with someone if they don't want to.  

tightauldgit

ali137 said:

mark5 said:

ali137 said:

mark5 said:

Make sure the the financial order is sorted before the divorce is done.

Dont do it without a solicitor pay them the minimum they will accept each month and the balance out of your share of the settlement. 

Personally I would refuse to consider the mesher order it ties you to her for a long time financially and will stop you getting a mortgage.

With one child being 17 it might help you if the financial settlement drags on a bit there will be 2 dependents not 3.

Forget about the 70k and concentrate on getting as close to 50% of total assets. 

Don’t run up massive legal bills fighting over trivial amounts.

Your in a strong position being in the house where the equity is from a divorce point of view your ex has a house to live in and the judge won’t be bothered about her benefits being reduced due to the divorce settlement.

The judge will give a settlement that they see is fair that doesn't mean you or your ex will see it as fair.

Thank you for the reply.  

She has already blocked me getting the final order divorce paper by her solicitor putting a stay (block) on the divorce until financial settlement is done. Her solicitor recommended  both of us do mediation which we done and did not agree because she has been made aware by mediator she will loose benefits if she receives lump sum. Guess what now, checked again yesterday,  no movement from my Ex, nothing, her solicitor has not applied with Form A to court. 

yes, that's why I do not accept Mesher order, i want clean break and move on. 

I called several solicitors and they said you cant pay out of the settlement money, you have to pay each months which i cant afford. Even if i get a loan, how do i pay the loan repayments and bills, child maintence. I will have to go it alone, no choice. ( i looked at solicitors and barrister bill if it goes to 3rd hearing £10k) 

I will submit Form A next week. 

Pay a divorce solicitor even if its just to fill in your forms, check the other sides forms etc. 
Ticking the wrong box or answering a question wrong might prove expensive.

By moving out of the family home your ex has done you a massive favour, I moved out thinking my ex was buying me out at 50/50 (I had put an extra 50k in a few years earlier) she had already been to see a solicitor and had no intention of doing this, she would cause arguments then ring the police saying I was harassing her. 

A lot of her solicitors letters will suggest all sorts when in reality they are empty threats and more what they want to happen not what will actually happen. 

There is nothing stopping you making an offer via her solicitor to sell both houses and split the equity and pensions 50/50.

Remember the majority of a pension is taxable and can’t be accessed until about 57/58 so if they say she gets 90k cash because you have 90k pension thats a bad deal for you. 

Thank you. 

100% I will not agree with me just having my pension, i need to survive now, for me everything should be 50/50 split, if that does not happen then I am willing to take less, but not that i get pension and she gets cash. I asked her several months ago to be civil and split everything 50/50 but she said she wants to go through court and wants judge to decide. When she was made aware by mediator she will loose benefits if she  receives lump sum, now she at a stand still and doing nothing. She was the one who instructed the solicitor and put home rights on the property, now she does not want to do anything. 

Pointless being civil with someone if they don't want to.  

It just occured to me but did you say she has moved out? Because (and this might be worth checking) if she owns a 50% share in a house that is not her primary residence then I believe it would be considered an asset by the benefits people anyway. I'm not sure if there is a grace period on that or whatever but whether she owns the asset as a building or cash really shouldn't make any difference if its not where she lives. 

I'm working off the top of my head here so don't take it as gospel but it would certainly be worth doing your homework on what the specifics are.