Redundant husband choosing not to work

PinkTrike

Hi,
Just wondering if anyone has been in my situation and can give any advice.  My husband was made redundant almost three years ago.  It was not a shock, so he had plenty of time to prepare, it was not because of the pandemic, but it did coincide with the first lockdown.  He said he wanted to take six months off to spend with the kids.  Fine.  It has been almost three years.  He has worked in a minimum wage temp job for six weeks of those three years.  That's it.  I decided to retrain as a teacher on a part-time basis. I worked part-time alongside my course, but now my course is full-time to the end of the year.  At all points when discussing my course, our finances, how we will manage my husband has said, "I will get a job".  We have looked calmly at our income and outgoings together last September to see how we would manage the year ahead.  My husband acknowledged there was a clear deficit, "I will get a job".  He has contacted the one agency that got him six weeks work before and that is it.  Every job they offer 'falls through'.  I don't know why.  We live in a city/large town.  There are several agencies, he has contacted one. I have worked for three different agencies this year and am offered work all the time.  I'm also sent full'time permanent job roles to consider (I'm doing a PGCE, so I'm not interested in these).  I've shouted, I've begged, I've calmly sat down and gone through the finances.  "I will get a job". But still nothing.  I've sent him to his mother's where his brother promised to get him 'sorted out'.  Nothing.  I have used all my savings to build a long-awaited extension (I'd been saving for years and realised I was having to dip in to these savings because of the lack of work from his side).  Our three children are all out at school all day.  He now says that I am too difficult to live with, that our marriage has 'used him up' and that it is my fault that he is unable to bring himself to look for a job.  Interesting.  His mother told me that before I met him, he did give up a job and did not work for a year then.  He also did not finish university, he dropped in and out twice.  I did not know him then.  We have been married 15 years and I really did not expect this, perhaps I should have.  He is in his mid-forties.  I have booked relationship counselling (my mum has leant me some money to get through to the end of my course in June).  I am on every benefit going and my kids now qualify for free school meals.  Does anyone have any words of wisdom?  I have told him he needs to have a job by the end of my course, otherwise he will have to leave.  How will I make him leave though? He is a nice guy, but I've had enough.  Now I'm wondering whether actually it makes sense to go together to relationship counselling... am I being abused?  I'm kind of hoping it will get him unstuck, or that it will help us to separate amicably.  I wonder if I am living in cloud cuckoo land. 
Thank you and sorry for the rant. I'm extremely frustrated. xx

sevenhills

You have given us lots of information there, but not why he isn't getting a job. Do you know?
Is he on screentime 24/7 or is he lazy?
With three children, if this was a mother, it would be perfectly normal to want to stay home. Although I do believe work is good for everyone. He has done a minimum wage job, does he drive, lots of jobs driving, many require a driving licence 

PinkTrike

I don't know why.  He seems to have a mental block about it.  He does do cooking, laundry, takes the girls to school. So, he is not doing nothing. He says that  life is too much and he doesn't think I will be able to cope if he gets a job.  But he came back from his mother's talking about how he couldn't find anything that was 'the right fit' for his 'skills and experience', which when he was first made redundant would have been a perfectly acceptable outlook.  Three years on, I just want him to bring in some money.  A part-time job stacking shelves in the evening would be fine. If I could afford a house husband I would love to have one, but we are a partnership and we cannot afford that. Aside from maternity leave, I have never been at home full time with the children.  

HampshireH

sevenhills said:

You have given us lots of information there, but not why he isn't getting a job. Do you know?
Is he on screentime 24/7 or is he lazy?
With three children, if this was a mother, it would be perfectly normal to want to stay home. Although I do believe work is good for everyone. He has done a minimum wage job, does he drive, lots of jobs driving, many require a driving licence 

I think that once all kids are at school there really is no reason not to get a job of some description. Whether that's a mother or father. There are certainly a lot of father who are stay at home parents whilst the mother works.

However that's because as a couple that's what they have decided, planned and agreed 

Here there is no agreement. It sounds like OP husband is projecting his own insecurities on the OP in saying she wouldn't cope if he got a job. Sounds like HE wouldn't cope having a job.

OP you have alluded to potentially splitting up. I understand that. Most couples couldn't sustain such an imbalance where both are on such different pages 

However I think a brutally honest conversation with him is needed. All cards on the table no more dancing around it. You (family) cannot afford for him not to work. Therefore he needs to understand you're thinking and desired outcomes.

Just out of interest how long did he stick the precovid job? Was he flaky and job hopping / never happy or was he quite settled.

Skills and experience isn't an excuse. 

oldernonethewiser

Do you want him to stay, get a job and contribute or is it time for the marriage to end?

If the latter you are going to have to find grounds for divorce (unreasonable behaviour?) and go down that route. 

After redundancy I took a break of just over 6 months before getting other jobs but everyone is different. Sounds as if he is happy to keep drifting along. 

tacpot12

We now have no-fault divorce inthe UK, so you don't need grounds to divorce your husband. You might also divorce him, but carry on living together if this suited you both. You forcing a divorce might give him the wake-up call he needs to get out and start earning, but I doubt that anything will work.

I don't think you are being abused, but you are not in a marriage if he won't contribute to the household.

I would go to the relationship counselling with as open a mind as you can. You need to set out the situation as you see it, without blaming your husband. His actions are blameworthy, but blaming him (and him blaming you) will not help you think clearly about the problem. At the very least, the counsellor should be able to help him articulate whether he wants to save his marriage. You can use the counsellor to set your terms for this, which should be to get a job and remain employed until you agree that you both can afford to retire. His working history will have left him very short of pension provision, so he will not have a comfortable retirement if he doesn't work more; your teacher's salary and previous work should mean that you have a good pension.

If you get divorced, you can have him excluded from the family home, and you can claim benefits as a single person (you can end your joint claim as soon as you are no longer married and are no longer living as a couple. You can be in the same house and sharing certain bills, like Council Tax, water, energy and the cost of your children, but you should not be sharing a bed, and should have no joint finances or financial connections other than the essential bills). You might make the point that if you divorce him, you have a good case to retain more of your pension as he hasn't worked when he had the opportunity to do so. 

To some degree, the DWP are facilitiating this behaviour by not sanctioning him when he is able to work. You should not have to step in to cover their shortfall, but it will need you to be honest with him about why you want him to be more than a benefit scrounger, and you might have to accept that he is happy to take this risk. Whether you want to be with someone like this is up to you. It's a difficult situation and I'm sorry you are going through it.

gwynlas

It is his responsibility to get a job to help maintain your home and family but is he ever going to do this? He might be suffering from long standing depression which he is unable to verbalise and this might have been compounded by being made redundant. Was he happy and fulfilled in his previous role? Perhaps he needs to take stock and retrain in an area which suits him. I can understand your frustration but it seems he is perhaps one of those people happy enough in his present role and income bracket to not make any effort to better your lives. If this does not suit you then seriously consider divorcing him and proceeding to manage as single parent with family support.

oldernonethewiser

tacpot12 said:

We now have no-fault divorce inthe UK, so you don't need grounds to divorce your husband. You might also divorce him, but carry on living together if this suited you both. You forcing a divorce might give him the wake-up call he needs to get out and start earning, but I doubt that anything will work.

I don't think you are being abused, but you are not in a marriage if he won't contribute to the household.

I would go to the relationship counselling with as open a mind as you can. You need to set out the situation as you see it, without blaming your husband. His actions are blameworthy, but blaming him (and him blaming you) will not help you think clearly about the problem. At the very least, the counsellor should be able to help him articulate whether he wants to save his marriage. You can use the counsellor to set your terms for this, which should be to get a job and remain employed until you agree that you both can afford to retire. His working history will have left him very short of pension provision, so he will not have a comfortable retirement if he doesn't work more; your teacher's salary and previous work should mean that you have a good pension.

If you get divorced, you can have him excluded from the family home, and you can claim benefits as a single person (you can end your joint claim as soon as you are no longer married and are no longer living as a couple. You can be in the same house and sharing certain bills, like Council Tax, water, energy and the cost of your children, but you should not be sharing a bed, and should have no joint finances or financial connections other than the essential bills). You might make the point that if you divorce him, you have a good case to retain more of your pension as he hasn't worked when he had the opportunity to do so. 

To some degree, the DWP are facilitiating this behaviour by not sanctioning him when he is able to work. You should not have to step in to cover their shortfall, but it will need you to be honest with him about why you want him to be more than a benefit scrounger, and you might have to accept that he is happy to take this risk. Whether you want to be with someone like this is up to you. It's a difficult situation and I'm sorry you are going through it.

For clarity divorce laws are not the same throughout the UK.

PinkTrike

Thanks for all your comments.  I've had a long talk with my husband and I understand a lot better where his head is at.  He also seems much more open to looking for a part-time job, because he feels his mental health has deteriorated over the last few years and he needs to work.  We've had a lot going on in the past few years (bereavements, redundancy, retraining and, and, and) and I think we have not communicated well how we are feeling.  Counselling is booked and I now think we both really need it and I am much more hopeful that we can get to a solution that we are both happy with and that we will actually stay together!    Thank you!

MikeJXE

Well done it's always best to talk to through 

elsien

tacpot12 said:

We now have no-fault divorce inthe UK, so you don't need grounds to divorce your husband. You might also divorce him, but carry on living together if this suited you both. You forcing a divorce might give him the wake-up call he needs to get out and start earning, but I doubt that anything will work.

I don't think you are being abused, but you are not in a marriage if he won't contribute to the household.

I would go to the relationship counselling with as open a mind as you can. You need to set out the situation as you see it, without blaming your husband. His actions are blameworthy, but blaming him (and him blaming you) will not help you think clearly about the problem. At the very least, the counsellor should be able to help him articulate whether he wants to save his marriage. You can use the counsellor to set your terms for this, which should be to get a job and remain employed until you agree that you both can afford to retire. His working history will have left him very short of pension provision, so he will not have a comfortable retirement if he doesn't work more; your teacher's salary and previous work should mean that you have a good pension.

If you get divorced, you can have him excluded from the family home, and you can claim benefits as a single person (you can end your joint claim as soon as you are no longer married and are no longer living as a couple. You can be in the same house and sharing certain bills, like Council Tax, water, energy and the cost of your children, but you should not be sharing a bed, and should have no joint finances or financial connections other than the essential bills). You might make the point that if you divorce him, you have a good case to retain more of your pension as he hasn't worked when he had the opportunity to do so. 

To some degree, the DWP are facilitiating this behaviour by not sanctioning him when he is able to work. You should not have to step in to cover their shortfall, but it will need you to be honest with him about why you want him to be more than a benefit scrounger, and you might have to accept that he is happy to take this risk. Whether you want to be with someone like this is up to you. It's a difficult situation and I'm sorry you are going through it.

Only there is some sort of abuse and harassment. Otherwise he has as much right to be there as she does until the financial aspects are agreed. 
I realise things have moved on a little since this was posted but it is misinformation that I felt needed to be corrected.