Scarlett's New Start - saving the pennies and planning a new life for myself!

ScarlettMcCain

New username and new start for me  I was on these boards many years ago when I had a mountain of debt  and it was massively helpful - thankfully I have mainly cleared the debt, BUT I'm facing up to the fact that I need to also save a massive chunk out of a small income...

My background: went on maternity leave 8 years ago to have my twins, planned to go back to work part time, got made redundant instead... couldn't find a job which paid well enough to cover nursery costs for two and ended up staying off work till they went to school. I actually started job hunting when they got their free nursery hours, only for everything to come tumbling down when Covid and the dreaded homeschooling hit! I'm now working part time and have been for a couple of years, PT to fit round school hours - it doesn't pay massively well but it's relatively easy work, conveniently home based, my manager is generally very nice, can't complain really.

Unfortunately my relationship with my partner is on its last legs  the twins were very much planned and wanted but he's always been so bloody useless with them, I just didn't realise how lazy he is till I had to rely on him to do things, and he just doesn't/ won't! To be fair here he does work hard - he works shifts and earns waaaaay more than me - but at home he doesn't want to lift a finger. I'm just so fed up with doing 95% of the childcare, cooking, cleaning, life admin, etc etc and him resenting it when I have any time to myself. He recently went on a lovely long foreign holiday with a group of mates as some of them were turning 50, he was away for almost 3 weeks in the end in Thailand and Cambodia, and then when I mentioned that I'm getting my hair cut next weekend (for the second time in a year!) he pulled a massive face because he'll have to look after his own children for a couple of hours. You know people often talk about having a negative voice in their head holding them back from doing things, because they think they'll fail? Well, I don't need that in my head because I constantly have him telling me that I couldn't do X because I'd be terrible at it! For example I was talking about a friend who'd walked the Camino de Santiago and how I'd love to do it one day, and immediately he piped up with: "Well you couldn't do that, you'd have to be much fitter! Why would you want to do that anyway? You'd only be rubbish at it and hold everyone else back!" and so on, and so on...

I'm just crushed by the weight of it really; if I could afford to leave then I would, but I don't have the savings to do it or any family nearby who could help. I'm sad, lonely, isolated and overweight because I turn to food for comfort, and can't get to the gym or anything because (of course) he won't look after the kids whilst I go. He is very overweight and needs to lose around 8 stone (I have 3 to lose) but still picks at me about how fat I am, and how much I need to lose weight.

Blimey, just writing this is depressing me, but I do feel like I've turned a corner even by realising it! My lightbulb moment was being in a group of people on a kids activity day and after a whole day of listening to him sniping at me, one of the mums said to me quietly: "Why does he say you can't do that? You've just done it and you were fine!" - and that's when I twigged, many things I don't even attempt are because I've listened to him for so long telling me that I shouldn't even try because I'd be awful at it, how sad is that?!

To cut to the chase... I really want to clear the last of my debt (around £500) and build up a decent savings pot (around £10K) to put down a deposit on a flat for myself once the DC are older, I'd qualify for social housing so that's my aim. It perhaps won't be a big place or in the best area but it would be mine, and it would be peaceful!! But I only earn around £1200 per month and really don't have much disposable income, it'll mean counting the pennies big time... I'd get another part time job too if I could only fit one in somewhere. 

My first aims are:

• Go through my last couple of bank statements and really nail down my standing orders/ direct debits/ other regular payments
• Start to meal plan better to save on food shopping
• Book any childcare necessary for next term to make sure it's all organised and paid for in advance, then I can schedule in some exercise too

Thank you if you've made it this far, and any ideas for extra cash that I could earn at home are always gratefully received!!

enthusiasticsaver

Sorry to hear you are getting no support from home and I would definitely start telling him you will be taking some time for yourself to get fitter and he will look after his own children. He sounds like he has worn you down but at least you have recognised it. Slightly different circumstances but read @Kakiste diary about her struggle to clear debt and leave her husband. Lots of people make extra money doing surveys etc but sadly it is not huge. Presumably you would qualify for benefits if you left your husband? 

WinterWarrior

Extra good luck. I think your life will be vastly improved with your plans. Stay strong, you can do it. For now you would do well to tune out that negative voice and remind yourself every day that you are strong, capable and deserve to try whatever makes you happy, be that a haircut or a walking holiday! 

ScarlettMcCain

Hi @enthusiasticsaver thank you for reading, I'll definitely have a look at Kakiste's diary! Believe me I have tried and tried with DP, but the grief I get is just not worth it - it's easier to just find ways around it and not rely on him, otherwise his moaning outweighs any pleasure I might get from being out and about... I'd love to rejoin a gym or exercise class for fitness and sociability (I'm quite lonely at home) but at the moment I go running instead, and he even moans about me doing that for half an hour at the weekends. I would qualify for some benefits but I think he would just reduce his work shifts so I'd get less from him  concentrating on my savings fund is stopping me from feeling so trapped over everything!

MSE_Laura_F

Very best wishes @ScarlettMcCain - it's great to hear you have some clarity on your situation and a plan for change!

In case it's helpful, this MSE guide has ideas for boosting your income, including bank switches, seeing if there are any fees/payments you can reclaim for, doing the MSE 'money makeover' to overhaul your finances and loads of other stuff:

Boost your income

ScarlettMcCain

Thank you @MSE_Laura_F, I'll definitely take a look at those  

@WinterWarrior, I'm trying very hard to tune out the negative voice in the background - I've spent all day cleaning & tidying as the DC were out on a sports activity, but it's difficult knowing that however much I do, I'll always get moaned at for the small % that I don't have time to do! 

I've done a big shop today - only a Lidl one but it was still £140  I mean I did get plenty of food plus cleaning stuff etc, but still, I'm sure it would have been not much over £100 not long ago. Even the rice I used to get for about 50p is now more like 90p! I've got my list of spends worked out and will add them to my budget planner tomorrow, with the big shop and a haircut on Saturday it was a spendy weekend...

Martico

Very best of luck to you, I hope you can make it through OK.
Just want to check - is your username very different from your real name? It sounds like such a difficult relationship already, so I hope this place is as safe and anonymous as it can be. If not, please ask a moderator to change your username on this site.
I wish you well

ellenvan

It does get slightly easier as the children get older - you may find a little more time to be out and about in the summer months too.
You can do it - make sure you have your own bank account to salt away some savings if you can. Or try Premium bonds.
Also if you have any spare time try entering a few competitions from the competition board on here- you never know.

NeverendingDMP

Shopping has gone so expensive hasn't it. Our regular 100-120 Aldi shop is now 150. No such thing as a cheap shop anymore is there. 

ScarlettMcCain

@NeverendingDMP shopping is indeed very expensive! If I went over £100 at Aldi before it was because I'd have put loads of extras in - cleaning stuff, nappies etc - now it's just a fairly normal shop 

Have you ever had a win on the Premium Bonds @ellenvan? I'm sure I have some from years and years ago and have never won (may have to track those down actually!) but it does appeal to me, especially when interest rates are so low anyway that there doesn't seem much point in a savings account.

Thank you very much for checking on my username @Martico - Scarlett McCain is a book character that I admire, she's feisty and fearless and doesn't like relying on other people. Something for me to aim for!

I haven't been on here much as DP has been out late in the evenings, either gym or drinks with friends, then by the time the DC are in bed he's home and/ or I'm shattered - he's been off for the last couple of days and we've taken the DC on days out which haven't been cheap - his choice of venues. I don't know if this sounds ungrateful, but they're expensive trips and I feel like it's partly to control us as well? He knows I couldn't afford to take the DC there on my own, they get madly hyper and don't want to go to bed when we get home, then he gets cross with them... it's like we should all be grateful and do exactly what he says to show our gratitude. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive on this one - I try not to spend anything on me when we go out (cheap lunch option, take drinks with me etc) but he will spend plenty on the DC - then when we get home he'll go through the card payments and start talking about how much everything cost, which takes some of the enjoyment away for me anyway 

Purplelady65

I’m sorry to hear about your situation - it doesn’t sound much fun at all. Do you know how long it will take you to save £10k? Re your OH’s bullying and belittling behaviour do you respond or just say nothing? Have you ever told him that his comments are unacceptable? It must be so wearing to have someone chipping away at you constantly. I’m just wondering if you could get some support in how to respond to his constant put downs that might help your home life situation? I’m sure he doesn’t go around doing the same with all his friends and family so it’s a choice he’s made to treat you this way.