Advice MIL died without leaving a will

Malthusian

sleepymans said:

Daily letter reminding her of her legal responsibilities

A total waste of time. As per Spendless, the OP needs to speak to his solicitor and ask them what their next move should be.
It sounds to me that it is time to inform the sister that they will be going to court to take over administration of the estate if she does not finish distributing it properly. The mere fact of the OP hiring a solicitor does not seem to have pulled her back to reality or frightened her out of going on about "treating the grandchildren equally" (i.e. diddling the OP). However, I am not a solicitor and am not going to second-guess what they will advise the OP to do as their next step.
It is one thing to tell your brother that you are keeping (most of) his money and what are you going to do about it, and quite another to say in writing to his solicitor that you want to distribute the estate illegally. If I was the OP I would be prepared for a long and expensive legal fight. She has made it clear she is not going to back down easily. Sending emails directly to the sister and expecting a response is a waste of energy at this point.

paul2louise

OH is emailing his solicitor now and explaining that he emailed her and hadn't received a response. I agree with what PP have said that she is not going to reason now and that serious steps now need to be taken. 

tetrarch

I completely agree with Malthusian

The time for communicating with Sis and asking questions of your solicitor are over 

IMO you need to INSTRUCT your solicitor to write a letter that requests a time-limited distribution of the assets from the estate according to the law.

This letter must state clearly that if the distribution is not made then legal action will be taken to claim formal administration rights over the estate.

Regards

Tet

PS Is there no way that pressure can be brought to bear on the Sister from the younger generation? 

This action will impoverish both sides and potentially lead to an irreparable family breakdown that could last for generations.

paul2louise

tetrarch said:

I completely agree with Malthusian

The time for communicating with Sis and asking questions of your solicitor are over 

IMO you need to INSTRUCT your solicitor to write a letter that requests a time-limited distribution of the assets from the estate according to the law.

This letter must state clearly that if the distribution is not made then legal action will be taken to claim formal administration rights over the estate.

Regards

Tet

PS Is there no way that pressure can be brought to bear on the Sister from the younger generation? 

This action will impoverish both sides and potentially lead to an irreparable family breakdown that could last for generations.

Thanks yes I agree and OH is ready to push this now. Her 4 kids (3 girls 1 boy) are grown up youngest is 20 eldest 28. The eldest girl is getting married next year and we had wedding invite from her last week. OH messaged her to say he was sorry but didn't think he would be able to attend given the situation he was dealing with regarding her mum. She just said thanks for letting me know. Nothing else said. I.checked her Facebook and we are no longer friends and OH is no longer friends too. So looks like she has decided. Other kids are still connected with us. Sis doesn't use it. 
I feel sorry for my son. He talks a lot about his older cousin (the boy) and when we can visit him. That's not going to happen now. 

HampshireH

paul2louise said:

tetrarch said:

I completely agree with Malthusian

The time for communicating with Sis and asking questions of your solicitor are over 

IMO you need to INSTRUCT your solicitor to write a letter that requests a time-limited distribution of the assets from the estate according to the law.

This letter must state clearly that if the distribution is not made then legal action will be taken to claim formal administration rights over the estate.

Regards

Tet

PS Is there no way that pressure can be brought to bear on the Sister from the younger generation? 

This action will impoverish both sides and potentially lead to an irreparable family breakdown that could last for generations.

Thanks yes I agree and OH is ready to push this now. Her 4 kids (3 girls 1 boy) are grown up youngest is 20 eldest 28. The eldest girl is getting married next year and we had wedding invite from her last week. OH messaged her to say he was sorry but didn't think he would be able to attend given the situation he was dealing with regarding her mum. She just said thanks for letting me know. Nothing else said. I.checked her Facebook and we are no longer friends and OH is no longer friends too. So looks like she has decided. Other kids are still connected with us. Sis doesn't use it. 
I feel sorry for my son. He talks a lot about his older cousin (the boy) and when we can visit him. That's not going to happen now. 

Sounds like she probably felt the rejected wedding invite was quite hurtful & you're not interested hence the Facebook deletion (if it was timed that way).

She reached out & wanted you both there regardless of her mother's behaviour. She probably hoped that for one day people could put their issues aside and enjoy her wedding. 

She then learnt that wasn't going to happen. Flip side She also may not really know what has been going on. 

RAS

paul2louise said:

The eldest girl is getting married next year and we had wedding invite from her last week. OH messaged her to say he was sorry but didn't think he would be able to attend given the situation he was dealing with regarding her mum. She just said thanks for letting me know. Nothing else said. I.checked her Facebook and we are no longer friends and OH is no longer friends too. So looks like she has decided. Other kids are still connected with us. Sis doesn't use it. 
I feel sorry for my son. He talks a lot about his older cousin (the boy) and when we can visit him. That's not going to happen now. 

Your OH has involved the younger generation is the situation unneccessarily.

"We'd love to attend." That would put the onus on sis to kick off.

"We'd love to attend but can you check your mum is OK with that," might have been an option.

It is possible for people to maintain a relationship with multiple others in the family despite the two being at loggerheads. Or at least to try. Now he's made himself the baddie.

Flugelhorn

always really tricky to know what to do with the these things, I might have accepted the invite and backed out nearer the time if things weren't resolved.

Suspect the youngsters have been fed the "Granny wanted everyone to have equal shares of the money but Uncle is refusing to agree" line 

paul2louise

Yes I take your comments on. He was a bit stuck to know what to say. As it is so far in the future you can't say I don't think I can come. But he felt accepting was also not right as he wouldn't couldn't go know knowing his sis would be there. He knows that they will be on mums side as he isn't close or that conversational with any of them anyway. They all get on with their own lives. They show little interest in their nephew (our son). No birthday messages or cards even tho I posted on Facebook his birthday celebrations. We are not particularly close. Auntie never acknowledges him either. So it's no loss for me tbh. 
So I don't think any communication with the kids is good idea. It was just unfortunate that the timing of her invite was just as my OH was feeling so frustrated with what was happening.

Sarahspangles

It’s polite to RSVP to an invite promptly, there’s nothing to stop him following up with a letter now and/or a card or gift closer to the wedding day.  None of which even needs to reference the estate issues or his sister.

If you try to draw other people in to a conflict it’s called triangulation I think, with taking of positions and sides, and it’s dysfunctional. If he just sees his relationship with each relation as a single connecting line that’s easier, all he needs to do is consider what’s appropriate to a niece who’s not particularly close, but who he wishes well. This has worked out well for me in a couple of tricky family relationships.

Silvertabby

Flugelhorn said:

always really tricky to know what to do with the these things, I might have accepted the invite and backed out nearer the time if things weren't resolved.

Suspect the youngsters have been fed the "Granny wanted everyone to have equal shares of the money but Uncle is refusing to agree" line 

Even trickier if the niece is funding her wedding from 'her share' of granny's money.