Feeling desperately inadequate

quietheart

Your poor soul.
Have you been in touch with al-anon for the families of alcoholics
020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year) I'd contact them asap as they deal with this sort of situation regularly and would be the best to advise.
You could go to your GP and ask for advice. This may sound severe but could your son be sectioned under the mental health act as he is endangering his own life? It sounds like immediate action needs to be taken to stop the worst happening.
You must feel battered, keep up the good work, you won't be able to have any regrets.

sandy2_2

Hello tryingahard, what a difficult time for you, your son and family.
From courses I've attended re drugs and alchohol, I seem to remember that people do have several relapses before finally succeeding, a bit like when you start to learn how to ride a bike...you fall off a few times before you get the hang of it, so try not to give up hope

thatgirlsam

my heart goes out to you... i split with my partner because of his alcohol problem.. i really did not want to but it gets to the point where it destroys you too.. im not suggesting you should ever turn your back on your son but please, please look after yourself too. i think alcohol abuse is a symptom of a deeper problem and i hope your son pulls through it, plenty of people do. xxxxx

oojeyboojey

TryingHard wrote: »

My son who is only 25 has been an alcoholic for 4 years. He has tried detox 3 times but each time he has relapsed. Every aspect of his lift is in total chaos and various members of the family are withdrawing their support. He has the worst liver results his doctor has ever seen in someone his age and if he continues to drink he probably has about 5-6 months to live. I feel so inadequate as I don't know what to do to help him. I know there's nothing anyone on this site can do to help in a practical sense but I just need a bit of emotional support at the moment. I don't have anyone I can talk to. Sorry.

I'm so sorry - this must be absolutely awful for you. The problem is, there actually isn't anything you can do to make him better, he has to do that for himself. I've seen/heard of people going around their local drinking haunts (e.g. pubs, bars, clubs, newsagents etc) and asking to be barred because of their health problems, I even heard of one guy tatooing his right hand (his drinking hand) with "drink and die" to act as a deterrent.

There are loads of charities around that are run solely for helping people in your situation - there is plenty of qualified support out there if you just find it. Ask your GP about what's available in your area - maybe his detoxing wasn't right for him, there may be other programmes available?

He is lucky to have your support - it's the most frustrating, soul-destroying thing to watch someone doing this to themselves and know you can't make them stop. Sometimes you have to walk away, though, to protect yourself. *hugs*

sarymclary

Hello TryingHard,

I can only offer my sympathies to you in this situation. I lived with my husband for 12 years who was an alcoholic, and went through several detoxes with him.

Unfortunately there is very little you can do, but offer him your love right now. It is natural for families to withdraw from an addict who seems hellbent on self-destruction. In some cases, when they realise they are totally on their own, with no one to be complicit to their addiction, it can be the kick up the backside they need to finally do something about their problem. Alanon and AA reckon most addicts need to hit their own rock bottom before they can begin the climb back up. But, they also know that some people can never manage the climb.

Unfortunately, my husband was supported a bit too much by family members, who enabled him financially to maintain his habit, and he ended up dying alone, suddenly. He was found by the police after neighbours became worried.

Only an addict can seek the help they need. An alcoholic cannot be sectioned, since it's not really a mental illness. A GP cannot intervene, unless the alcoholic requests help. Unless there is an emergency situation where they need to be hospitalised, when medical intervention can be made.

It seems to me that your son is fully aware of his situation, and perhaps he doesn't want to get better? That's an awful thing to face up to, and you feel totally helpless I know (believe me I know).

My recommendation would be to get your own help, from somewhere like Alanon, or your GP, support your son emotionally, but not financially.

If you want to PM me for a chat I'd be happy to listen.

My heartfelt wishes to you for a peaceful Christmas and New Year. I very much hope your son wishes the same for himself, but you need to realise that the changes have to come from him, not you - if only it could be that easy.

Best wishes
S xx

TryingHard_2

I can't thank you all enough for your kind words and empathy. I have ordered the Alan Carr book from Amazon but I'm not going to give it to him directly - I will just leave it laying around for him to pick up if he chooses to. Also, I have ordered a book for myself called "Mum, can you lend me twenty quid" which is written by a Mum whose twin sons were taking drugs. One of her sons died and the other lived. I hope this book helps me a bit too - even though my sons problem is drink and not drugs, it's still addiction.I have also found out where my nearest meeting of Al-Anon is (didn't even know this group existed) and I saw my GP yesterday who has referred me to the community mental health nurse so I can have a chat with him/her.Your kind comments made me realise that there is nothing I can do to change my son's behaviour and all I can do is be there for him emotionally (although I must admit that I have helped him financially too, and I now have a huge overdraft to prove it). I know accept fully that the financial side of things has to stop as this is not helping either of us. Anyway, again I want to thank you all for your support and good advice. I wish you all a Happy Christmas and a Healthy New Year.

CelticStar

Tryinghard,

My heart really goes out to your, felt so sad after reading your post. Just want to give you a big hug and say hang in there. I imagine watching addiction in someone you love is terrifying for relatives and friends but I've always read that the addict has to want to get better so there is not too much you can do until your son sees the light - which I truly hope he does. It must be so hard for you as his loving mum seeing him in the grip of something out of your control. Please take care of yourself so that - hopefully - when he does turn to you you will be well enough and have enough inner resources to support him. Try and spoil yourself a little bit and stop beating yourself up, you are doing your best in a very difficult situation and you deserve every little bit of happiness that you can find.

anonymousie

Have a lot of hugs from me ((()) ((()) ((()))

Addicts so hard to deal with when you are close them. I work with them and it is tough to maintain emotional detatchment. THe advice threads are great.

THe only other thing to say that I haven't noticed on this thread is the hardest thing to say- you cannot change him, only he can do that. He is an adult and makes his own choices.

by that I don't mean abandon him or anything, be there and hold his hand, but you can't do it for him (even parents who lock up their kids to get them off heroin do not succed long term unless the kid wants to stop).

feelinggood_2

TryingHard, I just want to say that please do not feel inadequate. As an recovering alcoholic myself, I know that there is nothing anyone can do to help an alcoholic recover before they hit rock bottom and are ready and willing. Please don't blame yourself. This is an illness, not something you did or your son chose. Glad you have found an Al-Anon meeting, I know many families who have been helped so much by Al-Anon. Sometimes it just helps to know there are others in similar situations who understand. Best wishes for you and yours.

quietheart

Tryinghard - i'm impressed you've done so much already. Try and get along to an al-anon meeting soon, this is such a tough time of year for alcoholics and their families. The support is out there, you just need to find it. You'll feel less isolated when you hear other people's stories. Best of luck.