Wife filed for divorce within 2weeks of walking out. Struggling and need advice

TBagpuss

iwillcomebackstronger said:

TBagpuss said:

Very difficult position to be in. 

One small comfort is that with the new rules, if she has just issued the divorce application there is a 20 week waiting period before she can apply for the conditional order, so there is a bit of time to breathe and to see whether she is open to considering couples counselling etc.

Sadly however if she has decided she doesn't want to be married any more you can't force her to change her mind. 

I agree that it would be sensible to get some advice - particularly with regard to the baby and implications if she does decide that she wants to go to Canada for the both or permanently.

If the baby had already been born, then she could not take them out of the UK, or move them to live in another country, without your agreement, however, as far as I know, there is nothing to stop her moving to Canada before the baby is born and if it is born in Canada and she is living there (i.e. she declares it's her domicile rather than her just being visiting) then I think Canadian rather than UK law would apply - I think the law is similar to hear but it might mean that any court proceedings about contact took place there rather than here. You may want to try to find a solicitor who has usual qualifications here and in the relevant Canadian province if you think that she may return there.

It's bog standard to include in the divorce that you will be applying for a financial order - it doesn't mean she's actually starting a court application right now, just reserving the right to do so.

Normally, you'd work through solicitors to try to come to an agreement and then send an agreed order to the court later in the divorce process.

I’m assuming she’d want to leave for Canada, as she mentioned about 8 months ago I would like to give birth in Canada in order to give child dual citizenship (British and Canadian ) so they have an option in the future. So I’m just connecting the dots. If she was to go Canada it would mean she would overstay her visa ( as she will be going on a tourist visa ) 
she’s not Eligible for British yet as she needs another 2 years for that. 

The child is a massive factor in this  and I hope I can get an opportunity to be a father and in its life. 

I have an appointment with a solicitor next week for a consultation and I have many questions where I don’t know where to start.  

Is there a chance she can refuse to put my name on the child’s birth certificate ? 

If you are married, you are presumed to be the father and you automatically have Parental Responsibility so don't actually need to be on the birth certificate - I am not sure whether she could leave you off and if she did,. whether you could then add yourself without a court order. I thin either of you can register the birth. This is of coruse assuming the baby was born here - no idea on Canadian law

I need to respond to the email for the divorce by a certain date. Will it be bad if I don’t respond as I want to weight my options with getting legal advice. 

No. She can't apply for the next step in the divorce for 20 weeks. However, she could apply to have the papers served on you personally if you don't respond, and since the law changed last year the only basis to oppose a divorce would be fifyou were arguing that the marriage was invalid, already subject to divorce proceedings or not subject to UK jurisdiction so there's no reason or benefit to you in delaying. If you want to see a solicitor first then it may be sensible to let her know there will be a short delay - e.g. tell her you have a solicitors appointment next week (or whenever youdo0 and that you will deal with the divorce application once you've seen them.

If she decides to stay can the court rule the home gets awarded to the mother considering she already left the family home and the child is yet to be born. 

The Court has to try to make financial settlement that's fair to both of you, taking into account a range of factors including your needs, the needs of any children, your incomes, earning capacity and other resources - so yes, they could say that she should retain the house or be entitled to occupy it for a specific length of time but it's not a foregone conclusion, and would be unlikely unless she could show she was able to afford the mortgage and other outgoings,

Do I need a solicitor or can I act for myself ?

You *can* act for yourself. You probably don't need a solicitor for the actual divorce as that's very simple. However you would be well advised to get a solicitor to advise about the financial issues, and the arrangements for the baby once it is born, especially sincere is a potential international element here.  Since the divorce has been started here, the UK are likely to have jurisdiction to deal with financial issues, however, issues relating to a child are separate, legally, and generally the courts of the country where the child lives has jurisdiction, so if she returns to Canada and has the baby there it's likely that the Canadian courts would have jurisdiction and you could need a Canadian lawyer. Google suggests that Canadian law is similar to UK law in the focus is welfare of the child, and the parents have equal rights / responsibilities , but obviously it's not practical to have shared care if you live on separate continents 

and lastly not sure if anyone can shed some light on this, do women when pregnant tend to make rash decisions ? 
People in general often make rash decisions. Pregnancy doesn't change that, however, like any other major life event, including things like bereavement or serious illness, it can cause people to review their situation and decidewhether they want thing s to continue the way they are. 

My comments in bold above 

london21

Just my thoughts from what you have stated.

You were both really young when the relationship started, maybe she wants some space to get to know herself.

If you were both happy in the relationship over the years generally, maybe she just needs space and will return.

Do not be desperate by contacting constantly her, her friends and family.

Also it might help the both of you seeking professional advice if she is interested in this, for your relationship and finances etc. 

You mentioned you was the only reason she is in the UK, have you both discussed this, would you move with her t Canada if she decided to relocate etc those are all important discussion before marriage.

You mentioned she saw a message on your phone, as she is pregnant, her emotions and feelings will likely be hurt, in relationship you are both either 100% in or better off going your separate ways as trust and communication are essential in relationships/marriages.

With regards to the flat if both your names are on the land registry document then you will both have to decide on the way forward. If sold within the first 5 years of ownership the council gets between 20-100% discount back. 

Hopefully things work out and you can both reach an agreement best for the both of you and the baby.

iwillcomebackstronger

tightauldgit said:

NBLondon said:

iwillcomebackstronger said:

If she was to go Canada it would mean she would overstay her visa ( as she will be going on a tourist visa ) 
she’s not Eligible for British yet as she needs another 2 years for that. 

That doesn't quite add up?  If she's a Canadian citizen - why does she need a tourist visa to go home?  Is she born in a third country, formerly resident in Canada (where her family are) but not naturalised either there or here?  Could be complex but I assume her family there will help.

It sounds like she has some element of uncertainty about the pregnancy (was it planned?  did you ever discuss when/if to start a family?) and that's on top of the issues of the last 12-18 months.  The two together may have pushed her into panic mode.  So maybe offering counselling - through whichever member of her family is willing to talk to you - is a start.?

I was going to ask the same - why would a Canadian citizen need a visa to go back to Canada? But presumably she's not a citizen and just wants to give birth there to give the baby citizenship. It's all speculative at the moment though - it's natural to start thinking about all the worst case scenarios at this stage I suppose. 

OP needs to take a breath, speak to a solicitor and let things take their course. There's no need to decide anything at this stage. 

She’s not a Canadian citizen, she’s a citizen of a country in the south-eastern Europe. Her family are Canadian citizens. She has settled status here in the UK . She’s applied for a visitor visa back in November. So I would suggest her visa is in the pipeline. 

Canada does give you opportunity to give birth there but you must return to your country of origin. 

There is loads of possible scenarios, I have no clue what will happen. The child and pregnancy is a massive factor in this and I pray to god she can give me the opportunity to be a father. 

I just don’t see her staying here as she’s very close to her family. 

& regarding one of the comments from
the posters regarding my controlling behaviour. I have reflected within myself since this has happened and I will admit at times I might of went overboard.  I’m not putting the sole blame on my wife, we both have faults.  I just tried to protect my family that’s all but don’t you think it’s a bit of a coincidence how the person I told her I don’t think she should associate herself with Has now come to her rescue to house her.   Unfortunately social media and the current generation we are in are breaking couples up etc and we will have more broken down marriages  ( I know I sound like an old man) 

I’m  getting better slowly, the morning are hard but I feel like I’m slowly getting better.  

I went to see a solicitor today, there is no laws stopping her from leaving the country. He said you can represent yourself but your scenario is complicated. 

He just gave me possible scenarios  of what might happen in event it would go to court. 
he said there could of been a chance she might of withheld the information she’s pregnant from her solicitor. 
It’s what you both would decide to agree on without going to court which I hope we can both  be understanding. 

I can afford the fees but frankly I’d rather put the money in a saving account for my child.  It’s a tricky situation. I don’t want to be difficult but I don’t want to stress her and the pregnancy. 

I have tried everything , I have written everything and anything to her even said we can both move to Canada to try save this relationship.  Her last text read she would get a restraining order if I continue contacting her friends and family trying to find out where she is. 

I’m lying to myself if I say I was happy in the relationship past 12months or so. 

 

MikeJXE

iwillcomebackstronger said:

Hi all- the past 1 month has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I’m struggling mentally and finding it hard to cope and need some advice. 

We received the brilliant news my wife was pregnant on the 24th December.  She has mixed emotions from happy to confused and scared. She made Comments from my career is gone, my body is not ready for this and also said you’ve trapped me  as she knew I wasn’t keen on her behaviour the last 18months or so as it felt like she was putting these specific female friend before our relationship. It felt as if she was trying to re-live her youth days she never experienced. We met when she was 18 and I was 19. Married for 7 years. And known each other for 10.  We’ve had arguments these past 1 year but felt it was minor arguments that every couple has and will get past it. Arguments were mainly over this specific friend which I thought was no good. 

Her father was over during Christmas visiting from Canada.  She went through my phone on the 1st of January and seen a text which I’m not proud of however I did not cheat. And won’t give me opportunity to explain myself. Without getting into too much detail as I personally believe the text gave her the last final push to do what she’s thought about.  She waited for her father to leave on the 5th and day  after packed her stuff and left while I was at work. And left me via text: she went to stay at that friends house but I don’t know her new address. She moved half the saving we had in a joint account also. She planned her getaway and mentioned in text solicitor will be in contact.  All her friends and family have gone radio silence, apart from one friend that said she’s planning to keep the child ( she never believed in abortion and was totally against it ) I don’t know what to believe.  She’s applied for a financial order from the court with the divorce.

we’ve owned our flat for 1 year now. It’s a former council home bought under RTB. I was the original tenant but shared my RTB with my wife… we have  no equity in it as the discount was used as a deposit and the council owns interest for the first 5 years. ( please refrain from the insults guys as I know what most people think regarding this )  

I’ve always earned more than her. We had one joint account since we got married till 5 months ago we decided to go for separate accounts to avoid arguments and it worked.  Throughout of our 7 year married she’s worked approx 5 and half years. 

regarding the child I understand what some people might think and I’m not being naive I personally think the child is mine . I’m 120% sure.  I believe she’s 2-3 months pregnant now. 

Do I need to instruct a solicitor ? 

What could the fees rise up to ? 

Do our solicitors speak on our behalf to come to an agreement without having to go to court regarding assets ? 

I wish she would speak to me rather than spend ridiculous fees on solicitors id rather put that money in a saving account for the child. 

What could potentially happen to the home ? Could I lose it all ?  

My wife is not British & I personally believe she will go to Canada to give birth and be closer to her family
 ( she’s very close to her family )  and she’s told me a few times if I don’t have you I have no reason to stay here 

and if she decided to stay here. She can not afford to live here on her salary and raise a child on her own 

and after all this I am struggling, my anxiety is taking over my life and I never realised how much a break up can turn your lift upside down. 

Cried of pure happiness when I found out I was going to be a father and I still love my wife. 

Would appreciate some advice
thank you 

So let me get this straight 

You had arguments in the past but they were minor and about a specific friend, they were so minor you thought the friend was no good. That don't make much sense to me. 

She told you a few times, if I don't have you I have no reason to stay here. 

I'm beginning to think there is another woman she is afraid of losing you to.

The child is 120% sure to be yours. Fair enough you're certain she hasn't been cheating, thats a good point. (For her)

She went through your phone and saw something you're not proud of and that text gave her the final push. 

That definitely stinks of you not being truthful to your wife.

Lots of people on here for one reason or another feel sorry for you

I Don't,

IMO you only have yourself to blame, what goes around comes around 

It's called Karma 

smudge56

From what I can see of the circumstances if the father is left off the birth certificate then the baby is maybe not going to have UK citizenship so maybe 

 

For British nationality purposes, the father of the child is the person the mother was married to at the time of birth, (even if he isn’t the biological father)

tightauldgit

smudge56 said:

From what I can see of the circumstances if the father is left off the birth certificate then the baby is maybe not going to have UK citizenship so maybe 

 

For British nationality purposes, the father of the child is the person the mother was married to at the time of birth, (even if he isn’t the biological father)

But it looks like they are going to be divorced by the time of birth unless I've read it wrong. 

Angelica123

iwillcomebackstronger said:

& regarding one of the comments from
the posters regarding my controlling behaviour. I have reflected within myself since this has happened and I will admit at times I might of went overboard.  I’m not putting the sole blame on my wife, we both have faults.  I just tried to protect my family that’s all but don’t you think it’s a bit of a coincidence how the person I told her I don’t think she should associate herself with Has now come to her rescue to house her.   Unfortunately social media and the current generation we are in are breaking couples up etc and we will have more broken down marriages  ( I know I sound like an old man) 

Just my thoughts but I don't think that her friend's behaviour has been particularly suspicious. They have been close friends - enough for it to feel threatening to your marriage. I think it is a natural reaction for a close friend to house a friend, especially one who is pregnant. If I consider it from the friend's POV, if I had a friend where their partner was trying to control how much time we spend together (and potentially isolating that friend from other friends) - that would be a definitely red flag for me. 

I know this sounds easy but I think the only way forward is to start seeing things from your wife's perspective. No one considers divorce, relocating countries and potentially being a single parent without pretty strong reasons. I think the easy narrative is to blame her friend for coming between you but it doesn't address the underlying causes that lead to your relationship breaking down. I imagine your wife is feeling pretty frightened right now, and I think the ideal outcome would be to transition to the next chapters of your lives with as much grace and compassion as possible. Unfortunately, that doesn't sound like a reconciliation is at all likely (or even desirable). It sounds like you might benefit from doing some inner work (pref with a therapist) to work through your grief for this current relationship, but also to work on your own behaviours that have contributed to the demise of your relationship in the hopes you will be a better partner or parent in the future.

CottonTail

Your behavior has lead to this point and I think accepting your side of the responsibility is the first step. Seek counseling / mens groups. get help for your behavior or this will be a recurring pattern in your life. 
I think mentally your wife will have moved on now, wherever she chooses to live and raise the child.
You've burnt the bridges with her family so will have very little support from anyone.
Its not society making broken marriages its women now having the opportunity to leave men like you in the past, and not have to suffer for the rest of their lives.
Take accountability for your actions, you haven't been truthful to her or even yourself, stop playing the Victim,
Move on, be a better man and a better example to your child.

MrsStepford

When I lived in Canada, a woman who gave birth to a child in Canada could not be deported as she was the mother of a Canadian citizen. I don't know if that has changed. At the time, it took five years IIRC to get Permanent Residence status. Her family would probably be asked to support her until then.

Maybe you should ask whether you can get an injunction to stop her travelling with your unborn child ? Maybe Canadian Embassy would consider it fraud for a pregnant woman to travel on a tourist visa without declaring that she's pregnant ?