Wife filed for divorce within 2weeks of walking out. Struggling and need advice

iwillcomebackstronger

Hi all- the past 1 month has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I’m struggling mentally and finding it hard to cope and need some advice. 

We received the brilliant news my wife was pregnant on the 24th December.  She has mixed emotions from happy to confused and scared. She made Comments from my career is gone, my body is not ready for this and also said you’ve trapped me  as she knew I wasn’t keen on her behaviour the last 18months or so as it felt like she was putting these specific female friend before our relationship. It felt as if she was trying to re-live her youth days she never experienced. We met when she was 18 and I was 19. Married for 7 years. And known each other for 10.  We’ve had arguments these past 1 year but felt it was minor arguments that every couple has and will get past it. Arguments were mainly over this specific friend which I thought was no good. 

Her father was over during Christmas visiting from Canada.  She went through my phone on the 1st of January and seen a text which I’m not proud of however I did not cheat. And won’t give me opportunity to explain myself. Without getting into too much detail as I personally believe the text gave her the last final push to do what she’s thought about.  She waited for her father to leave on the 5th and day  after packed her stuff and left while I was at work. And left me via text: she went to stay at that friends house but I don’t know her new address. She moved half the saving we had in a joint account also. She planned her getaway and mentioned in text solicitor will be in contact.  All her friends and family have gone radio silence, apart from one friend that said she’s planning to keep the child ( she never believed in abortion and was totally against it ) I don’t know what to believe.  She’s applied for a financial order from the court with the divorce.

we’ve owned our flat for 1 year now. It’s a former council home bought under RTB. I was the original tenant but shared my RTB with my wife… we have  no equity in it as the discount was used as a deposit and the council owns interest for the first 5 years. ( please refrain from the insults guys as I know what most people think regarding this )  

I’ve always earned more than her. We had one joint account since we got married till 5 months ago we decided to go for separate accounts to avoid arguments and it worked.  Throughout of our 7 year married she’s worked approx 5 and half years. 

regarding the child I understand what some people might think and I’m not being naive I personally think the child is mine . I’m 120% sure.  I believe she’s 2-3 months pregnant now. 

Do I need to instruct a solicitor ? 

What could the fees rise up to ? 

Do our solicitors speak on our behalf to come to an agreement without having to go to court regarding assets ? 

I wish she would speak to me rather than spend ridiculous fees on solicitors id rather put that money in a saving account for the child. 

What could potentially happen to the home ? Could I lose it all ?  

My wife is not British & I personally believe she will go to Canada to give birth and be closer to her family
 ( she’s very close to her family )  and she’s told me a few times if I don’t have you I have no reason to stay here 

and if she decided to stay here. She can not afford to live here on her salary and raise a child on her own 

and after all this I am struggling, my anxiety is taking over my life and I never realised how much a break up can turn your lift upside down. 

Cried of pure happiness when I found out I was going to be a father and I still love my wife. 

Would appreciate some advice
thank you 

tooldle

Give your wife the space she needs and the pair of you the time you need to adjust before you do anything else. 

Your message reads as though you’ve been contacting friends and family to get info on your wife. As hard as it is, stop doing this as it won’t help the situation.
Book in with a solicitor to see where you would stand in the event of a divorce. Once you have the info, think on it and decide how you wish to proceed in terms of settling the matter.
Work on your anxiety, have a chat with GP, seek counselling etc.
When you feel more settled reach out to your wife’s solicitor (or your wife if she hasn’t appointed a solicitor) to discuss the way forward.
Good luck

SusieT

Horrible position to be in, and you have my sympathy but you really need to somehow switch off the emotions and try to be very practical when you deal with it. 
Personally I would move the other half of the savings to an account in your sole name, as a buffer against her possibly moving them as well as the 50% that she has quite reasonably taken. if the joint account is still open and there is no overdraft on it you will (possibly with some pushing) be able to take your name off it, and she will be able to close it if she does not want to use it.
Sadly it could be that the small arguements were getting to her more than you realised, and yout dislike of her friend was the tipping point, regardless of if they were good or bad for her in your opinion and/or reality. 
For now it may be worth finding a solicitor for a free 30 minute consultation, and have a list of questions that you need answers for, and then take things from there, as with the child on the way, and her being Canadian or at least having family there it could be more complicated than the "average" divorce.

TBagpuss

Very difficult position to be in. 

One small comfort is that with the new rules, if she has just issued the divorce application there is a 20 week waiting period before she can apply for the conditional order, so there is a bit of time to breathe and to see whether she is open to considering couples counselling etc.

Sadly however if she has decided she doesn't want to be married any more you can't force her to change her mind. 

I agree that it would be sensible to get some advice - particularly with regard to the baby and implications if she does decide that she wants to go to Canada for the both or permanently.

If the baby had already been born, then she could not take them out of the UK, or move them to live in another country, without your agreement, however, as far as I know, there is nothing to stop her moving to Canada before the baby is born and if it is born in Canada and she is living there (i.e. she declares it's her domicile rather than her just being visiting) then I think Canadian rather than UK law would apply - I think the law is similar to hear but it might mean that any court proceedings about contact took place there rather than here. You may want to try to find a solicitor who has usual qualifications here and in the relevant Canadian province if you think that she may return there.

It's bog standard to include in the divorce that you will be applying for a financial order - it doesn't mean she's actually starting a court application right now, just reserving the right to do so.

Normally, you'd work through solicitors to try to come to an agreement and then send an agreed order to the court later in the divorce process.

iwillcomebackstronger

TBagpuss said:

Very difficult position to be in. 

One small comfort is that with the new rules, if she has just issued the divorce application there is a 20 week waiting period before she can apply for the conditional order, so there is a bit of time to breathe and to see whether she is open to considering couples counselling etc.

Sadly however if she has decided she doesn't want to be married any more you can't force her to change her mind. 

I agree that it would be sensible to get some advice - particularly with regard to the baby and implications if she does decide that she wants to go to Canada for the both or permanently.

If the baby had already been born, then she could not take them out of the UK, or move them to live in another country, without your agreement, however, as far as I know, there is nothing to stop her moving to Canada before the baby is born and if it is born in Canada and she is living there (i.e. she declares it's her domicile rather than her just being visiting) then I think Canadian rather than UK law would apply - I think the law is similar to hear but it might mean that any court proceedings about contact took place there rather than here. You may want to try to find a solicitor who has usual qualifications here and in the relevant Canadian province if you think that she may return there.

It's bog standard to include in the divorce that you will be applying for a financial order - it doesn't mean she's actually starting a court application right now, just reserving the right to do so.

Normally, you'd work through solicitors to try to come to an agreement and then send an agreed order to the court later in the divorce process.

I’m assuming she’d want to leave for Canada, as she mentioned about 8 months ago I would like to give birth in Canada in order to give child dual citizenship (British and Canadian ) so they have an option in the future. So I’m just connecting the dots. If she was to go Canada it would mean she would overstay her visa ( as she will be going on a tourist visa ) 
she’s not Eligible for British yet as she needs another 2 years for that. 

The child is a massive factor in this  and I hope I can get an opportunity to be a father and in its life. 

I have an appointment with a solicitor next week for a consultation and I have many questions where I don’t know where to start.  

Is there a chance she can refuse to put my name on the child’s birth certificate ? 

I need to respond to the email for the divorce by a certain date. Will it be bad if I don’t respond as I want to weight my options with getting legal advice. 

If she decides to stay can the court rule the home gets awarded to the mother considering she already left the family home and the child is yet to be born. 

Do I need a solicitor or can I act for myself ?

and lastly not sure if anyone can shed some light on this, do women when pregnant tend to make rash decisions ? 

kazwookie

Forgive me, but are you sure the child is yours?

JReacher1

From her point of view she is recently pregnant and it seems like she has read an incriminating text on your phone which I assume was to another woman. Maybe you can try and suggest some counselling to see if she will agree to that. 

if it does end up in divorce than whether or not you will get the opportunity to be a father and in your child’s life is really down to you. Will be difficult if they move to Canada but if you make an effort you can still be involved. 

NBLondon

iwillcomebackstronger said:

If she was to go Canada it would mean she would overstay her visa ( as she will be going on a tourist visa ) 
she’s not Eligible for British yet as she needs another 2 years for that. 

That doesn't quite add up?  If she's a Canadian citizen - why does she need a tourist visa to go home?  Is she born in a third country, formerly resident in Canada (where her family are) but not naturalised either there or here?  Could be complex but I assume her family there will help.

It sounds like she has some element of uncertainty about the pregnancy (was it planned?  did you ever discuss when/if to start a family?) and that's on top of the issues of the last 12-18 months.  The two together may have pushed her into panic mode.  So maybe offering counselling - through whichever member of her family is willing to talk to you - is a start.?

pickledonionspaceraider

I am so sorry OP

It appears to me that neither of you were actually happy in the relationship

I say this with the thought of 'would a truly happy person, be sending incriminating texts' - because in my mind, no they would not 

It sounds like months of endless bickering, compounded by the stress of the pregnancy and the incriminating texts, it sounds to me that it was only a matter of time before one of you ended it, as it sounds hugely draining

I would move the other of the savings in to my own account, just in case

The silent treatment is awful, i really do feel for you going through this.  Even if the relationship is over, you guys have things to sort out and will be co-parenting.  Silent treatment is a form of control, an anxiety provoking one, at that 

I am so sorry you are going through this.  At the minute you have no options but to give her space and hope that you guys can discuss things in a civil way

Regarding your anxiety, i would suggest looking at the below link - and searching others that can help to clear your mind.  Hopefully this surge in anxiety is situational based and will subside over time, but right now you are in fight or flight mode i think  - try and work through it as best you can so it doesn't become habitual.  A


https://www.england.nhs.uk/supporting-our-nhs-people/support-now/wellbeing-apps/bright-sky/calm-amongst-chaos/

Also counselling could help you thrash out the thoughts and feelings you are going through right now and i would highly recommend this.  Oftentimes you can self refer - if you have a look at this below link, you can see what is on offer in your area

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

I dont know the answers to the other questions but i would make an appointment with a solicitor to see how to best resolve this all - hopefully you can get a free appointment for some advice somewhere

Teapot55

You will need a solicitor if you can possibly afford one. Take care though to spend time talking about your situation with a trusted friend or family member or with a counsellor not the solicitor: keep those meetings only for what is absolutely necessary. 

tightauldgit

NBLondon said:

iwillcomebackstronger said:

If she was to go Canada it would mean she would overstay her visa ( as she will be going on a tourist visa ) 
she’s not Eligible for British yet as she needs another 2 years for that. 

That doesn't quite add up?  If she's a Canadian citizen - why does she need a tourist visa to go home?  Is she born in a third country, formerly resident in Canada (where her family are) but not naturalised either there or here?  Could be complex but I assume her family there will help.

It sounds like she has some element of uncertainty about the pregnancy (was it planned?  did you ever discuss when/if to start a family?) and that's on top of the issues of the last 12-18 months.  The two together may have pushed her into panic mode.  So maybe offering counselling - through whichever member of her family is willing to talk to you - is a start.?

I was going to ask the same - why would a Canadian citizen need a visa to go back to Canada? But presumably she's not a citizen and just wants to give birth there to give the baby citizenship. It's all speculative at the moment though - it's natural to start thinking about all the worst case scenarios at this stage I suppose. 

OP needs to take a breath, speak to a solicitor and let things take their course. There's no need to decide anything at this stage.