Treated like a second class citizen claiming benefits

I recently created an account to start my debt free journey but havent yet started a proper debt free diary. Myself and my partner have mental health issues but i work full time in a family members company. My partner has a severe depressive/ anxiety disorder to which he is highly medicated for and diagnosed with autism. He previously worked until he was 26 but then his mum died and she was the only person he could relate to and it went to hill from there with multiple hospitalizations. Tried working again 12 years later and he lasted 6 months before nearly being hospitalized again. 3 years later we now have our own house and a beautiful toddler.

My issue apart from my own mental health and debt worries is the way my mum and other people treat him like he is just a lay about not working. Another close relation of my has bad mental health, not worked in years and has children. But because she is a woman nothing is said. Are we the only ones who deal with things like this? Why is it so hard to ignore what they think

Even on the new lately with handouts for people on benefits you see it all the time people sitting about lazy get all the help. 


  • edited 16 January at 2:14PM
    MuttleythefrogMuttleythefrog Forumite
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    edited 16 January at 2:14PM
    Yes people have plenty opinions.... the endless news stories carrying what is often not news at all is designed to provoke reactions and pit people against each other simply to generate interaction and interest. There seems an endless stream of angry people. No you're probably not alone... many family members or friends might keep their opinions to themselves.... and in my experience the greatest ignorance often comes from close quarters.
    "Do not attribute to conspiracy what can adequately be explained by incompetence" - rogerblack
  • fatbellyfatbelly Forumite
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    If you converse with ignorant people you are likely to get ignorant responses.

    If you want to ask about your debt problems over on debt-free wannabe I think you'll find non-judgemental support there from people who have been through it themselves.

    Similarly if you have problems with benefits, ask on the benefits board
  • MalMonroeMalMonroe Forumite
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    Hi, I know what you mean but I think people everywhere are judgemental anyway. They make their own decisions based on what they see or hear and then they assume. Very often incorrectly.

    My daughter has suffered from ME/CFS for over 20 years and although she's managed to find a way to work part time and incorporate that into her daily living, it has taken time and she may still be judged as 'lazy' because she needs a lot of rest. Her mental health has been affected by ME too and generally, people don't accept that ME is a recognised illness (not even some doctors). She managed to come off benefits when she started working (which she does from home) and was very glad to do so as the people she had to deal with in the benefits office were often very rude to her and told her she could do more 'if only she tried'. They were most unsympathetic and weren't even qualified medics. 

    So no, I don't think it's just men who are badly judged - from our experience. It can be anybody. And it's difficult to ignore the judgements, especially when they come from close relatives. 

    If you and your partner are happy and it sounds like you are now, then what other people think really doesn't matter. You can just say something like "I'm not going to discuss that today" if relatives try to wind you up - and move on with discussions about other things.

    As fatbelly says above, there's a lot of support from those of us who've been through hard times on this forum, if that's what you need. 

    All the best to you, try to ignore the naysayers, what do they know?
    Please note - taken from the Forum Rules and amended for my own personal use (with thanks) : It is up to you to investigate, check, double-check and check yet again before you make any decisions or take any action based on any information you glean from any of my posts. Although I do carry out careful research before posting and never intend to mislead or supply out-of-date or incorrect information, please do not rely 100% on what you are reading. Verify everything in order to protect yourself as you are responsible for any action you consequently take.
  • pickledonionspaceraiderpickledonionspaceraider Forumite
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    I think it is up to you to talk to your Mother and explain the situation to her and advise her that you will  no longer tolerate your partner being treated as 'lesser than'.  You do not have to accept this from a family member

    As for the wider public - yes they are extremely judgemental but I think that is human nature.  It is easier to think the worst and place ourselves in a 'superior' position - than to acknowledge someone else's struggles. 

    With love, POSR <3
  • helpfulflowershelpfulflowers Forumite
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    I use to feel like you and more often than not judged more by those supposed to help and support me, mental health staff and therapists. It’s taken a long time to accept who I am and how my disabilities affect me and I don’t care what people think.

    I am judged mostly by older people where my dad lives because I don’t look mental or disabled but not all disabilities are visible and if they have a problem, it’s their issue!

    I would rather be fit and well and able to work than not but people don’t see that, they judge and see what they what because they are prejudiced and ignorant!

    Try not to let them get to you!
  • edited 17 February at 8:23AM
    BungalowBelBungalowBel Forumite
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    edited 17 February at 8:23AM
    Unfortunately there is still a lot of stigma around mental health issues.  I think all you can do is try to explain to people just what the problems are and try (if you can!) to grow a thicker skin.

    I also agree with the post above.  Whatever they think in private, tell your family that  you will not put up with any negative  remarks about either yourself or your partner in regards to their mental health and/or working.
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