Coming to terms with my Mums death. 19 December 2022 at 10:23AM in Deaths, funerals & probate 27 replies 2.9K views

clive0510

My Mum passed away thursday last week. and I am really struggling to get my head round it. I was so looking forward to seeing her at xmas. ( she lived 250 miles from here). I am really kicking myself because I knew she was very ill and I was advised by her carers and also members of the family 'if you want to see mum get here now'. and I didn't. I just kept working and going about my daily life. the only thing I can say is that she was in no pain at the end. she was on a high dosage of morphine. I have made a promise to my mum and my dad that I will think of them every day for the rest of my life. 
Thank you for reading my post.

Shirker_Bee

Chin up Clive. Your mum would understand. remember that Death is a part of life. 

74jax

clive0510 said:

My Mum passed away thursday last week. and I am really struggling to get my head round it. I was so looking forward to seeing her at xmas. ( she lived 250 miles from here). I am really kicking myself because I knew she was very ill and I was advised by her carers and also members of the family 'if you want to see mum get here now'. and I didn't. I just kept working and going about my daily life. the only thing I can say is that she was in no pain at the end. she was on a high dosage of morphine. I have made a promise to my mum and my dad that I will think of them every day for the rest of my life. 
Thank you for reading my post.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's VERY early days. 

Hindsight is great but we don't have that in the moment. For whatever reason, even though you were told 'if you want to see mum now...' you didn't - maybe you didn't want to see her?  Maybe you had something to do at work which in the moment was more pressing. Whatever it was, beating yourself up over it won't help.

I was in the same room as my beloved dad, we were told it would be soon.... I left..... And missed him dying. Yes I kicked myself, but I've moved on from it.

Saying you'll think about them every day is great, but again don't beat yourself over it. If you find in the future you go a day without, don't be guilt tripped etc.

It's all very very soon, coupled with Christmas approaching, don't give yourself a hard time. 

p00hsticks

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I'm sure we all have things we wish we'd done differently but as others have said, you were aware of the facts and took what you felt was the right decision at the time and it acheives nothing in feeling bad about it now. I'm sure your mum would have understood and, if you say she was being given morphine, she may not even have realised that you were there if you had turned up.

I hope it also means that your last memory of seeing her is a better one than would have otherwise been the case - I'm sure you have many happier memories of her.

She will always be in your heart and thoughts - be kind to yourself.

Pennylane

Sorry for your loss Clive. Only you know why you didn’t go and see your Mum as she was dying. maybe you were scared?  Maybe you didn’t really believe she was so close to death? There could be other reasons but whatever the reason nothing can make it right now so it’s no good stressing about it.  Your Mum probably would not have realised you were not there due to the morphine.  

My Mum was on end of life care and I went every day to sit with her. As it was during the pandemic I wasn’t allowed to use the toilet, have a drink or a wash so after many hours I said I would go home for an hour to use the loo and get a drink and she passed away as soon as I left. the staff said people often do that and I actually do believe it.  However, my brother went in while I popped out so she wasn’t alone.  

Take care of yourself.

elsien

When someone dies, there’s a stage of grief where people always beat themselves up about something they either did or didn’t do. 

For now just concentrate on doing what you need to do to get through each day. Your mum knew you loved her. That’s what counts. 

clive0510

Thank you for all for your kind words. on thursday I am travelling to devon which was the plan any way before this happened. 
when I get there I am seeing Mums solicitor to see where we go from here. nothing will happen now of course till the new year. 
while I'm in devon I will see Mum at the funeral directors chapel of rest. I will also go to my dads grave to tell him Mum will soon be joining him. so yes I am making plans one at a time. thanks again every one. 

diystarter7

Hi OP
Sorry for you loss
We've all made mistakes and thought should have..........
It's too late now but trust me as others said, parents, know and care about their childrens work and
parents always see their children as children no matter what age they are and want them to work and do well.

This may not help, but sadly millions like you all over the world and living 250 miles
away is a long way away and I'm guessing given the same situation, many would have ended up where you are.

My mum died in an accident on hols, I was 21 and was too shy/idit to tell her I loved her but I'm safley guessing she knew that
as does your mum.

Don't be too hard on yourself and mum would not want to see you make yourself ill

Speak to family, meet with them if you are able

Take care.

rancid-a

Sorry for your loss Clive. I hope you'll be okay.  I went to see my own Mum on Saturday at the funeral directors and had a few words to say to her, mostly sorry for not being with her when she died. But she passed away while having an afternoon nap at her care home. It's a small comfort to me. She'll be cremated this Friday and then I have Probate to sort and I'm really not looking forward to that.

Take care of yourself

ShinyStarlight1

Both of my parents died last year.
I recognise your feelings of regret and sorrow.

I just want to say - I don’t think those who love us want us to suffer. So be kind and understanding of yourself, and allow yourself to be the imperfect human being we all are.

GhibliFan

I wasn't able to say goodbye to my Mum either, it hurts doesn't it?  Whatever the circumstances, losing your mum is so painful. As others have said, try not to beat yourself up too much, it's difficult not to though.  I think guilt is pretty much universal when a loved one dies, take it easy and don't expect too much of yourself right now. xx