How to move on

Cat_Loving_Lady

I wrote a while ago about a friendship I had with my now ex boss.
I have tried to approach her to ask why she distanced herself from me but she says all is fine. However you know when something is not. Gone from 5 contacts a week to nothing. The last really meani gful one was where I'd offered her alot of support for a work issue.
The thing is we are intrinsically linked through work but also some support groups we follow on social media.
I have tried hard to distance myself but we recently attended training together and a building and she treated me like a stranger.
I asked to speak to her over the phone which she has agreed to but she asked if I was OK. So I'm guessing this distance isn't bothering her the same as it has me.
I find her approach incredibly cold and uncaring. Almost shallow as she must know she just dropped me without explanation. I've tried to give her space however its hard when I'm constantly seeing her prescence either at work or on support groups. 
How can i move on and emotionally detach when i have constant reminders of a friendship ive lost ?

sheramber

Is this three same person you asked about in September? 

Cat_Loving_Lady

sheramber said:

Is this three same person you asked about in September? 

Yes it is same 

Pollycat

I'll say the same thing I said on your earlier thread:

Pollycat said:

She could be resentful that you are now both on the same grade.
She could be a user who took advantage of you to get herself up to speed.
Whatever it is, she's been very clear about what she wants.
Forget her and move on.
And be super -professional when you have work contact.

Friendship issue — MoneySavingExpert Forum
This friendship - if that was what it was - is clearly more important to you than her.
Forget what you think you had with her and move on.

pinkshoes

Cat_Loving_Lady said:

I wrote a while ago about a friendship I had with my now ex boss.
I have tried to approach her to ask why she distanced herself from me but she says all is fine. However you know when something is not. Gone from 5 contacts a week to nothing. The last really meani gful one was where I'd offered her alot of support for a work issue.
The thing is we are intrinsically linked through work but also some support groups we follow on social media.
I have tried hard to distance myself but we recently attended training together and a building and she treated me like a stranger.
I asked to speak to her over the phone which she has agreed to but she asked if I was OK. So I'm guessing this distance isn't bothering her the same as it has me.
I find her approach incredibly cold and uncaring. Almost shallow as she must know she just dropped me without explanation. I've tried to give her space however its hard when I'm constantly seeing her prescence either at work or on support groups. 
How can i move on and emotionally detach when i have constant reminders of a friendship ive lost ?

You just move on, go out, do stuff you enjoy doing, meet new people, make new friends. 

I'm a teacher and spend a lot of time explaining to teenagers that throughout your ENTIRE life, friendships come and go. Some last forever, some don't. People change, life changes, your interests change, people move, get married, have kids, change jobs etc... 

Just because you're good friends with someone doesn't mean it will always stay that way. 

So what you're describing is just normal life - you were good friends for a while but life has moved on, so you need to stop getting hung up on the past and focus on the now.

You're making yourself sound like a bit of a needy stalker, asking for a phone call with her etc... Do you not have other friends and interests in life? If not, now would be an excellent time to make some. 

You don't have to be enemies with this person, just not good friends any more. 

MalMonroe

You say this in your OP here "I find her approach incredibly cold and uncaring. Almost shallow as she must know she just dropped me without explanation."

This woman is not worth your time or any of the effort it has taken you to post on here, twice, about her.

For whatever reason, she does not want to be your friend, or even acknowledge your existence, by the sound of things.

Ignore her when you are in any groups that she's also in. She has made her wishes abundantly clear, without actually telling you to your face. 

I know that it's hard but she's obviously not able to tell you to your face and in a way I understand it because that's just cruel and nasty and she can't let herself go that far.

But it's time to let her go. You haven't 'lost' a friendship, she's disconnected from you.

There are other people out there who probably need a caring friend, you will be able to find other people who share your interests. Don't focus on just one person, though - you could try joining groups where you can make more than one friend. Even if it's online. It can be done. And it can be fun, too. Sign up to a couple of online groups where people share your interests - where I live there's a Facebook community group, where everyone is welcome. They meet in person as well as online. Have a look and see if there's anything like that for you.  

You don't need people who are cold and uncaring. And you don't have to put up with them, either.

sevenhills

Cat_Loving_Lady said:

So I'm guessing this distance isn't bothering her the same as it has me.
I find her approach incredibly cold and uncaring. Almost shallow as she must know she just dropped me without explanation. I've tried to give her space however its hard when I'm constantly seeing her prescence either at work or on support groups. 
How can i move on and emotionally detach when i have constant reminders of a friendship ive lost ?

Men can be more unemotional than women. Not everyone has empathy and some can even be on the autistic spectrum.
I had a relationship where I thought she lacked empathy, she even had an autistic son.
I really liked her and I still think about her. She never ended our relationship, she didn't want to go out again, I felt that she used the COVID lockdown as an excuse. So this was quite some time ago.
She still messages me, so like you, it doesn't let me forget.
But it has been that long, that I have moved on. It just takes time.

Cat_Loving_Lady

I think for me it is the not knowing why as it was all of a sudden, I can't think of anything I did or said wrong so that's what is bugging me.
I suffer from very bad feelings of guilt I think due to traumatic childhood experiences so always think it must be my fault.
I question why aren't I good enough ?
I know I need to move on and forget and this woman isn't worth a jot of my time thinking about it.

74jax

Cat_Loving_Lady said:

I think for me it is the not knowing why as it was all of a sudden, I can't think of anything I did or said wrong so that's what is bugging me.
I suffer from very bad feelings of guilt I think due to traumatic childhood experiences so always think it must be my fault.
I question why aren't I good enough ?
I know I need to move on and forget and this woman isn't worth a jot of my time thinking about it.

There's so many reason why you might not be 'good enough', I wouldn't use that phrase personally, but I've just used it as you did - 
At this time she feels she doesn't need another friend. 
At this time she feels she has nothing to offer you. 
At this time she feels too full of other stuff. 
At this time she had too many demands for her time. 
At this time she simply doesn't have enough energy to speak to someone else. 

There doesn't have to be anything you said 'wrong'.  She simply doesn't have the time / need or emotion right now for you.

Maybe turn it round.-
Why do you have the time / need it emotion for her?  Why just her and no-one else? 

It's not that she isn't worth your time thinking about her, after all she was a friend, its more why are you thinking about yourself in a bad way with this person.  It's fine to think 'oh I hope xyz is ok' in passing, but it's not great to feel bad negative thoughts about yourself whilst thinking of this other person....that isn't thinking of them, that's thinking negatively of you.

Why not give yourself 30 minutes a day to think of this (as it's obviously bothering you).  Write down your thoughts - in a list if it helps.  After 30 minutes STOP.  the next day, take the list, give yourself 30 minutes, so you want to add to it etc. Then STOP. eventually you will see you are spending 30minutes every day going over the same thing and tire of using 30 valuable minutes of your day thinking of this. Take control and eventually these 30minutes will be spent doing something positive, not negative. 

sevenhills

Cat_Loving_Lady said:

I think for me it is the not knowing why as it was all of a sudden, I can't think of anything I did or said wrong so that's what is bugging me.

My ex has said that she likes being on her own, she is not a sociable person, so there was nothing wrong with me.
She is happy to be on her own, although she lives with her son.
I am the opposite, but never succeeded in relationships, life is not fair.

[Deleted User]

pinkshoes said:

Cat_Loving_Lady said:

I wrote a while ago about a friendship I had with my now ex boss.
I have tried to approach her to ask why she distanced herself from me but she says all is fine. However you know when something is not. Gone from 5 contacts a week to nothing. The last really meani gful one was where I'd offered her alot of support for a work issue.
The thing is we are intrinsically linked through work but also some support groups we follow on social media.
I have tried hard to distance myself but we recently attended training together and a building and she treated me like a stranger.
I asked to speak to her over the phone which she has agreed to but she asked if I was OK. So I'm guessing this distance isn't bothering her the same as it has me.
I find her approach incredibly cold and uncaring. Almost shallow as she must know she just dropped me without explanation. I've tried to give her space however its hard when I'm constantly seeing her prescence either at work or on support groups. 
How can i move on and emotionally detach when i have constant reminders of a friendship ive lost ?

You just move on, go out, do stuff you enjoy doing, meet new people, make new friends. 

I'm a teacher and spend a lot of time explaining to teenagers that throughout your ENTIRE life, friendships come and go. Some last forever, some don't. People change, life changes, your interests change, people move, get married, have kids, change jobs etc... 

Just because you're good friends with someone doesn't mean it will always stay that way. 

So what you're describing is just normal life - you were good friends for a while but life has moved on, so you need to stop getting hung up on the past and focus on the now.

You're making yourself sound like a bit of a needy stalker, asking for a phone call with her etc... Do you not have other friends and interests in life? If not, now would be an excellent time to make some. 

You don't have to be enemies with this person, just not good friends any more. 

Such a good post 👍👍👍