Don’t know where i stand

So me and my partner have been going through the wars together. She has stopped out 3/4 times in the last week at her mums and at work. The trust in the relationship has been broken one of the nights she said she was working and her car was at her mums when i did some driving around to check. Now I’ve asked her to take her stuff as she lives with me the mortgage is solely in my name and i pay the mortgage and all bills. She’s refusing to take her stuff and not returning home up to yet. We are also about 18 month into IVF together with 4 failed attempts. I’m scared she is stringing it out to have another transfer with IVF. My head is all over place and I’m unsure what steps to take. She’s saying she needs time but I’m not sure if she’s just stringing it out. 


  • From an outsider's point of view only, she may be incredibly stressed not just mentally but physically by the IVF treatment, and failure. Sometimes it may be easier to go to her mum  or to work rather than be with you if she knows you're stressed also, and easier not to tell you where she is as maybe she feels you wouldn't understand? You both, understandably, may be talking or thinking about that and nothing else at them moment. Do you go out anywhere together? Do fun/relaxing  things? Was the relationship good before the IFV took it over so to speak? 
  • I agree with Purbeck14

    It is time for you guys to have the conversation, if it is break up time

    I think when someone says they need time, they have pretty much made their mind up, yeah - and dont have the courage to end things.  

    She cannot go ahead with IVF if you remove your authorisation, can she

    If you want her gone, drop her stuff off at her mums- end of
    With love, POSR <3
  • Brie
    Brie Posts: 9,345
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    I agree with Purbeck14

    It is time for you guys to have the conversation, if it is break up time
    If you want her gone, drop her stuff off at her mums- end of
    I don't think you can just dump all her stuff at her mom's and think that's "end of".  Even if her name isn't on the mortgage there may be a claim for equity in the property - chances are she has done something to contribute to it even if it didn't include mortgage payments.  Maybe she paid the energy bills instead.

    But yes - conversation first.  And then decide if there's anything worth hanging on to, if not be adults about it and not make things worse than they are already.
    "Never retract, never explain, never apologise; get things done and let them howl.”
  • 74jax
    74jax Posts: 7,921
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    Do you want a child with her as separated parents? Is this your last chance?

    If you don't, remove your consent and let her know - gently - that this is what you have done. And both go your separate ways. 

    If you do. Talk to her, tell her you don't want to live this way and discuss how you - amicably - can co-parent.  I'm not saying to do this way at all, we are talking about a life which you are both bringing into the world, but if you are going to do it this way, you must discuss it first so you both are on the same page. 
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
  • TBagpuss
    TBagpuss Posts: 11,198
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    Tell the IVF clinic that you are withdrawing your conset for a further transfer but consent to the embryos to continue to be stored. My understanding is that with IVF it requires both of tyour consents but if you have previously consented they won't automatically know that anything has changed unless you tell them.

    Then tell her that you havedone so. Stress that with the relationship as it is you don't feel not is theright time to be moving forward with it and that you need time to think and discuss whaether the relationship is going anywhere. 

    It's hugely stressful but there are some red flags - you clearly don't trust her or you wouldn't have been driving round to check on her - that's quite alarming, does she know you were doing that? Even if you had good reason to think she was not being honest with you, it's not a very healthy relationship if your response was to try to check up on her rather than the two of you being ableto talk. 

    Finacailly, she has no *automatic * claim to the hosue is it is all in your name. She *might* be entitled to somethindepending on what the agrementbetween you was when she moved in and since then, what she has contributed and on what basis, however, short term you can ask her to move out. 

    You can pack up her stuff to return to her although you need to make sure that you don't damage anything. If she thinks she has an interest in the proeprty she can riase that and set out what she wants and why she thinks she is entitled to it. 

    As she is saying she needs time prehaps give her a deadline (maybe 28 days) for her to have cleared he r stuff from the house, meantime explain that you are not comfortable moving foreard with another IVF transfer as things are.

    If you would be willingto try resolve things then suggest that in the nexxt month, the pair of you go to RELATE or another couples counselling aervice to try to get some help to talk through your diffrences and see whether you can resolve the issues.

    My understnsding is that if you were doing the IVF together you would be considered the legal father (with all the rights and responsibilities that brings) if the trnasfer were sucessful and resulted in a child being born. IF donor sperm was used then she may be able to  proceed without you although you may need to explicitly withdraw your consent to withdraw from the process. 

    All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,493
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post Savvy Shopper!
    Just to say the OP has started a later thread:

    Finding the break up hard — MoneySavingExpert Forum
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