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Money Moral Dilemma: Friends' wedding will be smaller than mine was, so should I get a smaller gift?

edited 1 November 2022 at 1:59PM in Weddings & anniversaries
39 replies 34.2K views


  • EdSanRoEdSanRo Forumite
    8 Posts
    Second Anniversary First Post
    I find it difficult to gauge what to give at a wedding or birthday from close friends. In the end, it reflects how I value our friendship. On the other hand, I appreciate someone’s attention more than the value of their gift. 
    Yes, I might be a bit weird.
    I would never compare gifts or circumstances.
  • REJPREJP Forumite
    325 Posts
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper
    You could afford to have a very expensive wedding.  Your friends may not be able to match it, but that is no reason to give them a smaller gift.  I cannot believe that it would cross most people's minds to give a cheap gift just because they are going to attend a wedding where the couple are showing common sense in not paying out probably more than they can afford.
  • oldnewhandoldnewhand Forumite
    80 Posts
    Part of the Furniture 10 Posts Combo Breaker
    People have different priorities as well as different assets, hence maybe your friends your friends prioritise making their home together over impressing everyone on just one day: my own views on display here. You'll be aware of their circumstances if they are your friends. Again, personally I feel embarrassed if there is much discrepancy between the value of gifts between me and the giver, not wanting to appear mean or showing off my comparative wealth. The most important thing is you choose the gift for your friend, something that they will enjoy, find useful etc. The true value is in the thought not the cost.
  • stevemachellstevemachell Forumite
    2 Posts
    Part of the Furniture First Post Combo Breaker
    asking this question tells me that perhaps you see friendship in a different way to most people , so I can't really answer your dilemma other than to advise you to take stock of your priorities and look at the world and all its wonders with a different view one which has nothing to do with monetory values , be happy 
  • SavvySlutSavvySlut Forumite
    6 Posts
    First Post
    It’s got absolutely nothing to do with the size and cost of the wedding. It’s about friendship and how much you can afford to give. Would you equate a Christmas gift to correspond to the size and amount of turkey eaten?  🤔
  • CapeTownCapeTown Forumite
    69 Posts
    Third Anniversary 10 Posts Name Dropper
    I find the amount of money people waste on weddings obscene.  How much did yours cost. Sounds like thousands and thousands.  And yet here you are quibbling over 30 quid and a bottle of plonk
  • Lisa280571Lisa280571 Forumite
    8 Posts
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    I can't belive that you are even asking the question!
  • BWZN93BWZN93 Forumite
    2.2K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    This sounds like quite a transactional relationship rather than a friendship. Maybe it’s time to reassess the friendship and just not bother going given the mental gymnastics going on about justifying present cost v cost of wedding. 
  • edited 2 November 2022 at 9:12AM
    MorningcoffeeIVMorningcoffeeIV Forumite
    899 Posts
    500 Posts Name Dropper
    edited 2 November 2022 at 9:12AM
    Wait until you've actually been the wedding. Then add up the value of the food and drink you've consumed and transfer that amount into their account. If you want to be generous, round up to the nearest pound.

    Obviously deduct any travel and other expenses first.
  • grassmarketgrassmarket Forumite
    30 Posts
    Third Anniversary 10 Posts
    We all seem to be assuming the other couple can’t afford more, but there are other equally plausible reasons. You’ll have to decide which it is; we don’t know them.

    One such reason is personal choice. Some people are big on parties & presents: others aren’t. They may prefer to spend less on weddings (yours as well as theirs) & more on other things. A lot of unhappiness & hardship can arise from peer pressure to overspend on weddings & Christmas - a campaign close to ML’s heart. 

    Only you can decide if they are poor friends, mean friends, good friends in other ways, or not really friends at all. Choose your present accordingly. 
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