Money Moral Dilemma: Friends' wedding will be smaller than mine was, so should I get a smaller gift? 1 November 2022 at 1:57PM edited 1 November 2022 at 1:59PM in Weddings & anniversaries 39 replies 34.2K views

Ringo90

Just to give everyone a different perspective based on cultural differences...
Where I am from, it is quite normal to have incredible wedding celebrations, costing even a modest family couple SEVERAL thousands £. The pressure of doing that no matter how wealthy you are is really HUGE, trust me on that.
One of the biggest expenses in such celebrations is for the catering. Venues would ask a minimum of £150 per person just for the food. Plus, each household receives a sort of souvenir gift to take home. So good manners dictate clearly that, to calculate the value of your gift, you have to start from those values (to pay those expenses back ) plus an extra sum depending on how close you are with the bride/groom. There is even a formula for that (no kidding)!

I'm NOT saying it is right, I actually hate this concept myself. It's just that reading your comments I was just amazed at how perspectives can change, something that seems reasonable for you (= not taking the size of the reception into account) would be nonsense elsewhere. If anyone of my folks was to go to a wedding with a bottle of prosecco and peanuts, he would be banished from the community with eternal shame.

groovygav

I despise the transactional use of gifts, whether for Christmas, birthdays, weddings or anything else.

Any gift you buy anyone for any occasion should:
1) be chosen with love
2) be a price you can afford

Within those bounds anything is acceptable, and if the recipient or anyone else thinks differently then their values need to be questioned.

meknowalot-51

We've attended many weddings over the years and this thought of yours has never entered the conversation when discussing gifts.Be a nice person.

Ed_Addis

You don't buy your friend a wedding present as a quid pro quo for the hospitality of the wedding!  You buy it because they're your friend, and I suppose how much you spend depends to some extent on how much you value their friendship.  Your attitude is very mercenary and doesn't say much for the value of your friendship ...

lincoln_dj

If the amount you're willing to spend on their gift changes based on how much you think they're spending on the wedding and reception then you're not really friends IMHO. 
Let the couple know your thoughts, and hopefully they'll gladly swap the lack of gift from you in return for finding out how much of a cretin you are!

If I'm honest, the main criteria for deciding how much to spend on a gift for someone is usually down to how flush I'm feeling at the time of purchase.

SarahJT21

Think yourself lucky to have an invite.  Perhaps their wedding is planned around what they can afford.

diystarter7

groovygav said:

I despise the transactional use of gifts, whether for Christmas, birthdays, weddings or anything else.

Any gift you buy anyone for any occasion should:
1) be chosen with love
2) be a price you can afford

Within those bounds anything is acceptable, and if the recipient or anyone else thinks differently then their values need to be questioned.

Best post here!
Only give a gift if you truly mean to with a sincere and clear heart. Gifting is not a competition but may seem like it and this is why I am opposed to gifts etc on the whole as going to a wedding/etc can make some people feel very, very small as they do not have the capacity to spend like another.

squirrel59

I think perhaps the way your worded your dilemma is a bit confusing. You're not actually proposing to spend less than they did, are you? You are proposing to spend approximately what they spent on you. Sounds fair to me. But what the size of their wedding has got to do with anything, beats me.

Q11

Wow! Just wow! 😳

John_L_M

MorningcoffeeIV said:

Wait until you've actually been the wedding. Then add up the value of the food and drink you've consumed and transfer that amount into their account. If you want to be generous, round up to the nearest pound.

Obviously deduct any travel and other expenses first.

LMFAO

mind you... what if they have a business and the fuel for their vehicle is tax deductible... time to get out their protractor and slide rule to calculate carefully... 'cause that's how you measure friendship...