Diary of a 30-something idiot

Purplelady65

I came across your diary a week or so ago and have now read it from start to finish. You certainly seem to have a lot on with working full-time, juggling all your finances, selling what you can on websites, running the household and raising your daughter as well as looking after your husband and his children. From what I’ve remembered reading you had a significant inheritance, half of which funded your living costs and high spending for a few years and the other half of the inheritance was used to buy a house which you have subsequently downsized from releasing some capital which has now all been spent. From what you’ve said there are no pots of money left to access now which means that your budget has to be realistic. 

Looking at your latest budget I think there are some areas that are not covered or are too low. The £30 per month to cover insurance and mot on the van is too low given it is 15 years old plus there is nothing for any entertainment outside of the house (even if it’s a coffee out or a pub meal every 6 months) clothes and shoes (I know you’re trying to fund clothes purchases from what you sell but this may not always be possible), prescriptions, school trips, camping trips, Christmas and birthdays and just day to day living costs e.t.c. 

A common theme running through the thread has been OPs questioning why your OH isn’t working. You’ve said he hasn’t worked for 6 years and prior to that has had a chequered work history. It seems very unfair that you are shouldering all the burden of working, juggling the finances and running the household whereas your OH appears to do nothing. He seems quite content not to take reponsibility for anything. The fact he has 5 children and doesn’t pay anything for them and was happy for you to borrow money from a friend so you could pay the council tax bill sounds alarm bells. Realistically if he hasn’t worked for the last 6 years then he has no intention of doing so. I’m just wondering how his previous relationships have ended? Are the 5 children to one mother or two or more? Is there a pattern of behaviour there in that he’s set up home with someone, had children, had the woman keeping him until they’ve had enough and he’s then moved onto someone else who will fund him? 

I wonder as well about your own view and value of yourself and your levels of self-esteem to accept this situation. Would it be worth exploring this with a therapist? In one of your posts you said your OH’s sister was the most together person you’d ever met. Could you seek some advice from her? Are your OHs family aware of your financial situation or do they think you still have some of your inheritance left? 

You sound a lovely person and your posts are so engaging and readable. I just worry that your OH is going to drag you down and you’re going to be left with nothing. I know you’re working really hard but sadly the money coming in each month isn’t enough to fund a realistic budget and pay off your debts. Ideally you need to see what benefits you can get and if it means your OH is scrutinised around what actions he is taking to find a job then that can only be a positive thing. I know this has been suggested many times before by OPs but I really hope you take this step as unfortunately I think your options to do anything other than this are limited. 

CMD79

Completely agree. I think everyone is really worried about pushing this too hard because we don't want to upset you, but you've got to make changes, and they need to be drastic because that £40,000 debt today is massive. Continue as you are, that number is going up, and not down. You have taken some huge blows and you consistently show resilience, strength and humour. You can absolutely get this sorted out, but you need to to be really strong now before it gets to the point where you can't do anything about it. 

I know you mentioned earlier in your diary about coming from an abusive relationship, and it might not be violent, but this a form of financial abuse. And the knock on effect of this will last for the rest of your lives. I'm not a pension expert, but the fact that he is not in the system in any capacity will effect what he is entitled to later. I doubt this will have any effect on his attitude towards getting into work now, but perhaps sitting him down and telling him all the entertainment subscriptions, Sky package etc has to go because you can't afford to pay them even with the pay rise will. If he took 2 shifts a week at the local shop, that would help! 

For the next few months, you are going to have to cut everything out of expenses that aren't essential, use your pay rise to catch back up with the missed payments. If you don't you are going to spiral further and further into this debt until you lose everything. That means, the subscriptions, the grocery shopping, everything.

Many people on this forum will have been exactly where you are. There has to come a point where the dipping the toes into sorting it out becomes a firm commitment to taking action. I think over the weekend, you need to take some time out to yourself and ask yourself the question, if I were reading someone elses diary, what advice would I be giving? 

1) Cut everything not essential from your monthly outgoings - Keep maybe one subscription for you because you're working your a£$% off, but that Sky expense is not one you can afford with even your OH in work. 

2) Work out a meal plan. I would suggest in your case to withdraw £200 cash on pay day, get 5 envelopes for each week (to cover even 5 week months) £40 in each and mark them Week 1,2,3,4,5. I think you said your grocery budget is £400 a month, and I know you sometimes have extra mouths to feed, so £40 might need to top this up slightly, but at least you have £40 for the essentials. Join the 2024 Grocery challenge thread. I have spent £111 on groceries since last pay day 19th December. It's doable - not easy, but doable!

3) Add to those envelopes your commute to work money.

4) Take yourself to the library, or quiet space at least once a month and recalculate your money/debt/income and ask yourself how you get through the month without adding to the pile.

5) When you're really clear in your mind, make time to sit with him and tell him exactly just how bad this is. I'm not suggesting you yell at him, get down there today and sign on, but tell him, you are going to lose everything if this continues. You need him to help, and it needs to be this week. What day will you go?

This is an example of what the advice might look like. But I think you need very much to write your own list.

I'm so sorry. You're such a lovely person, and as others have said, your so engaging when you write, it makes everyone really care for you because you are so deserving. But the big girl, adulting (I think you called it) pants have got to be pulled on before it's too late.

(I should probably say, and I've never told a single person this before, literally not one person in my life knows this about me. I have lost everything in the past and was homeless about 12 years ago. There is a point of no return so you have to make changes before you get to that.)

Valli

I’ve read your diary from start to fi;ish, i’ve stuck in my opinion but i cannot cope with reading about how hard you’re working, and the effort you’re putting in while he’s leaching (sp?) off you.  You have the potential to have a happy life with your daughter.  The dead weight is dragging you down.  I hope you sort it but i fear you won’t. I’m not going to follow any more.

foxandflowers

Oh dear. Sorry. I know you all care about me and I do greatly appreciate that. I also think you're probably right in that there are some things that my budget is not accurate for which is part of why I'm a) doing a low spend year and b) tracking everything I spend so I can adjust categories as needed. I don't want you to all think I am a martyr. I work hard because I want to better myself, and I do everything in the home because I am a control freak and like things to be done in a certain way. (The comment about pensions later in life does concern me though - hadn't really considered that yet.)

I think deep down I am being a bit of an ostrich about the debt. Stepchange has me down as 26 years away from being debt free, which is the same as if I was on a mortgage. I haven't really talked about setting targets for debt repayments this year, and that is because the first thing I want to do is sit down and get to grips with tracking my spends and tweaking my budget. Obviously in April everything will go up again anyway, so it will require further readjustment at that point, but I want to get to the point where I am not worried about paying bills each month, and then I can look to increase debt repayments. My deep down target is to have everything paid off by the time I'm 40. But I'm not sure how I am going to make that happen yet. The first thing I need to do, is stop borrowing any more money. 

I really like the idea of cash enveloping my grocery spends. I have £60.29 in my bank, and £35 in cash + £28 in my spare change savings. I will try and do tonight's food shop with cash only, although we have the children this weekend, so it may be slightly higher. I still have £187 left in my budget for food shopping, so that may have been an area I have over-estimated. 

I have been dipping in and out of the MSE mindset, but the reason it hasn't worked is because I haven't really changed. Or at least, I haven't changed quickly enough. I've always been excellent at planning, and much less excellent at implementing. 

So steps that need to be taken, in my head, to 'fix' the situation, are as follows. Initially I need to sort my savings out so if an emergency does arise, I won't end up getting into more debt. Phase one will be:

🌺 £5k emergency fund (three months of living costs)

And then when that is done, I need to work on building a savings pot to make full and final offers on my debts that are with stepchange. 

🌺 10k savings pot to clear debts with Stepchange
🌺 pay off all debts that are not with Stepchange (£9,390)
🌺 £5k van fixing pot fund

I would also like to build up the following pots, but these are WAY down the priority list:

🌺 £2k holiday fund
🌺 £1k gift fund (cycling throughout the year for birthdays and Christmas presents)

I made £872.23 on Vinted in the last year. I still have LOADS to sell, so if I manage to do that again (and with more consistency than I did before), I will be 1/5th of the way towards my EF goal.

I've just set up scheduled deposits on my Monzo for when I get paid next Friday. £1500 split up as below: 

💮Groceries has £300
💮Bills has £860
💮Fuel has £250
💮School has £60
💮Savings/Investments has £30

Which leaves me £300 for the month that is 'unbudgeted' - but in reality will have to go towards paying back people I have borrowed from this month ASAP and closing any stopgaps that I haven't previously realised will need closing, as they always seem to pop up. 

stymied

From your spreadsheet on page 69 I make bills for the month (not inc £50 repayment to friend) to be £970.

foxandflowers

In other news: Book club last night was really really good fun, and I treated myself to a battered Mars Bar afterwards. So I spent £4 on myself (£2.50 monthly book club fee, £1.50 naughty treat). And it was worth every single penny. I so desperately need real life friends and I am pushing myself to make connections with local people and I'm just hoping it pays off. 

My stomach is complaining because of the batter - but I recently discovered that Walnut Whips are GLUTEN FREE! So I am currently eating one, whilst drinking a lovely hot cup of tea. It snowed last night, and we had great fun walking to school this morning. My house is still paramedic clean - the garage and the sheds are distinctly NOT. I have so much decluttering to do, and I'm looking forward to it. Aside from the Vinted clothes, there are all sorts of camping supplies and random things that have made the move to this house that need to be ejected. I dream of an organised garage, with matching plastic storage tubs that are all helpfully labelled, for Christmas, Camping, Tools, and so on.... I keep watching "extreme decluttering" videos on youtube, and it frankly horrifies me how much stuff people have. 

Also I wanted to relay a story from work. There is a lady who has entered a care home. She has had a long and busy life working overseas, and has over 400,000 in the bank, plus a house. She has no immediate family, no friends willing to visit, and is leaving her entire fortune to the opera. Whilst I think it is really really important to pay off debt and have savings, I will not do it at the cost of alienating everyone in my life. I don't want to end up rich and alone. I want a life full of friendships, love, books, and adventures. 

I've been tweaking my budget, and I think most things are in place for next month. We are going to eat dinner before we go food shopping tonight, and I am taking a list. I'm going to get the first of the big bags of clothes from the garage tonight to start listing, and I want to work my way through my "important papers" file, as I've lost my DBS certificate, and I'm keeping some stuff from two houses ago. 

foxandflowers

@stymied - I have been shuffling! New SOA will be posted at end of February I think, once I have my first new paycheck x

jokono

foxandflowers said:

Whilst I think it is really really important to pay off debt and have savings, I will not do it at the cost of alienating everyone in my life. I don't want to end up rich and alone. I want a life full of friendships, love, books, and adventures. 

And so you should! But like someone else said before, I think you would benefit from a few counselling/ therapy sessions. I'm saying that as someone who has done it, it's incredible how someone can help you get a new perspective on your life and actions, without doing much else than asking you the right questions.

Your husband does not act like a husband who loves his wife. A loving husband would do anything to help and support their partner, and protect their well being.

Being perfectionist and a 'control freak' are rooted in a desire to do better because someone at some point told us we were not good enough. We all deserve love and respect, no matter what.

twiggy86

foxandflowers said:

I want a life full of friendships, love, books, and adventures. 

I'm having this exact battle with myself at the moment! I really want to pay off my debt but after a 16 year relationship coming to an abrupt end last year (found out he was cheating) I want to make this year fun and (not to sound too cheesy/ cliche!) find out who I am - I'm 37 so the first time I've been single as a "proper adult"! 

Pollie

You still have not addressed the issue of your husband in either of your replies. Please, please get your head out of the sand before the lives of you and your daughter are ruined by his parasitic behaviour.