Diary of a 30-something idiot

twiggy86

ET22 said:

You minus him and his responsibilities = financial stability, happiness, good times ahead.

I'm not wishing to comment on @fo@foxandflowers but I will say that I am now at this stage! I couldn't see it when we were together (i.e. how bad the equation was), but then ex did me the massive favour of cheating on me and I now have all of the above!!! I wish someone had told me that equation when we were together but I was blind to how bad/ unfair it was as if you ignore the cheating, he wasn't an entirely bad person... although not great either! 

FTbuyer18

It is always easier to see the equation clearly when you are out of the situation isn't it. When/if things change with mr fox be that separating or him getting a job, you will wonder why you put up with it for so long. I have been n a similar though admittedly not as bad situation myself, i finally had enough, we split up, i genuinely thought we were done then we got back together about 6 months later. He had seen how much his life was worse, and i had seen how much mine was better without him. He has changed now for the good though, and i have realised i will never EVER let a man (or anybody) take advantage of me like that again. 

We are all here for you with the best of intentions fox, and your puppy is gorgeous, what is his name? x

lucielle

This is harsh but what does Mr Fox do/contribute??
L

24ta

Good to see you posting Fox, puppy is lovely.  Keep posting 😊

slm6002

You said 'We have taken the house off the market. I thought about it a lot, and decided that I would lose a staggering amount of money, end up in a smaller house with less room for the kids, and generally it wasn't going to solve anything. I keep trying to run away from my problems instead of dealing with them like an adult. I keep looking for the proverbial magic wand to wave, the £10.000 radio competitions to land in my lap, the scratchcard to win. And the truth of the matter is there is nothing that is going to save my situation other than knuckling down to it, learning to budget and live within, if not below, my means, and living my life as it is. '

From the above quote you are not going in circles, you have moved on even if only a little.  I think it is very wise that you have realised that you cant run from things by reducing the size of your property over and over.  I think we were all a little worried when you put it on the market.

Yes there are the same issues around OH but you don't need us to tell you about those.  I will say please keep up payments to step change and council tax etc.  Pay them the same day the money comes into your account or the next day.  Any money left over will be what you have to survive on.  Have you spoken to step change to see if the plan is still right for you?  Maybe it needs tweaking a little.

Maybe OH and step son can go job hunting together - is step son claiming benefits?  Could he encourage his dad along the same route.  I hope they are doing a lot around the house even if not bringing money in.

Keep posting as I know when I do it helps

WinterWarrior

I love your puppy. 

My thoughts are you need to get tough with your budget to make it work. So if when your step son wanted to move in and you had no furniture for him and no spare budget, that was when you could say, yes, you are welcome, but I have no funds to buy furniture or feed you. Please come, but you will be on the floor until you can sort it out. I think if you can be very, very firm and not feel you need to fix everyone’s problems then you may be ok with the budget you have. The same goes for any extras your OH wants. It needs to be a firm no until he learns to contribute. You would be safer if you could grey rock them in some small way. 

You are doing so well and keeping the house is such a positive step in safeguarding the money you have left. 

Enjoy your Ken Follett chapters, he writes such good stories.

ET22

Ive also been in a similar situation when my children were young. When in the situation you think, "once ive sorted X out it will be ok" and feel the slate will be wiped clean so it can start afresh. Except I was the only one who used to think about how to pay a bill in order to start afresh. He used to just carry on withholding money, spending money on himself and in general not giving a "flying duck," because why should he? It was all being sorted for him. He wont change until he has to support himself

He's in the "King of the Castle" role, except underneath it all he knows hes not because he knows hes reliant on you. Therefore, you have all the power. Tell him to get a job or move out. Even if you dont mean it at this stage, you can just say it, just one small sentence. It would be interesting to see what his initial reaction would be.

Unless you scared of him becoming violent? 

x

ET22

If youre interested, theres a book called Women who Love Too Much by  written by a psychiatrist, Robin Norwood, first published in 1986 and it was a best seller at the time. Professor Steve Peters who wrote the Chimp Paradox  made reference to it on a recent social media appearance. One of the case studies, even highlights how diet or sugary food can be a factor in womans behaviour in repect of men. Its a very interesting read and you dont have to read it all at once either x     

stymied

Lovely to hear from you @foxandflowers

MFWannabe

foxandflowers said:

Fox has failed, or, Fox tries again.

It's been about a month since I was last here, and I have gone spectacularly off the rails financially. 

Stepson has moved in and is yet to find work, although he paid me his first two weeks of rent yesterday. We have taken the house off the market. I thought about it a lot, and decided that I would lose a staggering amount of money, end up in a smaller house with less room for the kids, and generally it wasn't going to solve anything. I keep trying to run away from my problems instead of dealing with them like an adult. I keep looking for the proverbial magic wand to wave, the £10.000 radio competitions to land in my lap, the scratchcard to win. And the truth of the matter is there is nothing that is going to save my situation other than knuckling down to it, learning to budget and live within, if not below, my means, and living my life as it is. 

This month I have not paid my council tax, water, either phone bill, Stepchange, the internet or the van insurance. So that should be a solid indication of just how badly things are going for me. I have no savings left. My PIP claim got denied as I do not take medication for my autism. (??) I am lodging an appeal. I have had to buy furniture for Jr Fox so that he has a proper bedroom. This has necessitated me losing my office space. I'm not working from home yet, so it's not too great a loss, but the upfront, even buying things via marketplace was a pill to swallow. The van developed a fault with the immobiliser, and we had to get it towed to the garage, where our local mechanic fixed the problem [a missing fuse!!] and didn't charge us. According to my spending tracker, which I am unbelievably STILL filling in, 58% of my budget has gone on groceries. I am in a hole. Sometimes I think there is something deeply wrong with me, that I fail consistently to learn my lesson, over and over and over and over again. I've been on this diary since November 2022, and I've made no real progress. 

My retention payment is due next week, but thanks to student loans and postgrad loans, I have had over £1000 of deductions on my payslip. So I have cleared about £600 extra. This is going to go on catching up on all the missed bills. I'll be £88 over budget for the month. I'm hoping to make that via selling things lying around the house/Vinted.  And then that will hopefully give me a clean slate then for the rest of July. I'm going to start coming back here daily, as it's about the only thing that kept me on track. 

I'll be working the General Election too, and that money will be going straight into savings to restart my EF. I am so tired of never getting ahead. And so very tired of myself. 

So pleased you have taken your house off the market, absolutely believe that’s the best decision you could have made 
Have you redone your budget? 

You have made no real progress as you are still trying to do it all yourself with no help and even worse for you now as you have another mouth to feed 😟 People have to step up and help, even if that is through claiming benefits