Great Letters That Work Hunt

Jaybird_2

This letter was sent to me a few years ago by a friend, which just goes to show that nothing really changes!! It did however have the desired affect and the company concerned paid back all money owing....
.....Eventually.
It has definate humour value though.

A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL -- a telephone
services company in the UK.

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2003, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During
this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance
and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat !!!!!!
waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all,
I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold
music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to
look at your helpful website....

How?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my
testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt
both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then
took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget
to bring a number of vital tools such as a drill-bit, and his
cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several
further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my
modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and
begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,
Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9
telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have
been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals, who are also, it seems, highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold
music. Forgive me, therefore,if I continue.

I thought BT were !!!!, that they had attained the holy !!!!!!-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because,
well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bast**ds
you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum ->
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - !!!!**s though
they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy
puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to
say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise,
and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly
be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused
rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist
at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short lives,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
tw*ts.


Yours faithfully
xxxxxxxxx

gothicf0rm

if people get bothered by a compnay that says they are owed money do the following -
write back recorded delivery saying you dont owe the money, dispute the fact you do and demand they PROVE it. mention that it is a criminal offence to harass a debtor and unless they are able to prove it you will never hear from them again. also mention it is a criminal offence to proceed with a debt that is in dispute. mention that should they waste your time in the future you will bill them for this, you will also notify your local trading standards officers and may call the police. it always works

gidyn

http://hackerslament.blogspot.com/2005/10/fresh-carphone-warehouse.html

loopy_lass

how long is it from last hearing from a company that they can chase you for the money, my mate has had a tv for 4 yrs on rental, the company went bust, and he receiced a letter from another compnay saying he needs to make payments to them now. He asked payment information, and never received it, now 2 yrs later they are writing to him asking him to pay what they are owed.

can he ignore letter as its too late or does he have to pay?


loops

Art_2

Before writing to a company find out the name of the person in charge and address your letter to him/her personally. It's easy to find out who the MD or CEO of a company is.

1.Phone the head office and tell the switchboard you are writing to their MD and ask for the correct address and the name of the individual. This often works.

2.Ask to speak to the personal assistant to the MD. You will always get put through. This person will either deal with your problem to save her boss from hearing from you, or provide the details you require to write to him. I have got to the top of some large companies with this approach.

3.Ask for the email address of the MD. It's surprising how easily this is given out.

4.If all else fails consult the company's annual report where all the information will be printed.

Regards,
Art.

biv

dccarm wrote:

My letter to a well known electricity supplier almost a year ago. They replied to tell me "I could be confident the matter would be dealt with promptly" and I am still receiving bills. So I can't claim it was effective, but I had great fun writing it, and as they keep sending reminders the fun just goes on and on. :rotfl:

I'm the guy that deals with letters like that every day . Letters can be a poor way of getting across problems; its taking 2 weeks here to deal with letters at least, and a lot of customers complain that they have written several times before (No idea where those end up - we just collect em).

Not really money saving, but heres a few tips:

Best bet is to ring... then ask to speak to a manager if your problem doesnt get solved within a resonable number of calls. (you'll be passed to a customer liason manager - not really managers - its a trick to make you think you are speaking to the manager). These guys will actually put effort into resolving your problem, and should monitor the account until its fully resolved.

State to them that you will esculate the matter to Energy Watch if it isnt sorted. ("Energy Watch" is a magic word).

Finally, ask for compensation for your calls (Only if you've actually made a good amount of calls). They will never compensate you for time or stress - only calls/postage.

This method can be tailored for other types of companies, just replace "Energy Watch" with "Financial Watchdog" or the relevant power.

biv

loopy_lass wrote:

how long is it from last hearing from a company that they can chase you for the money, my mate has had a tv for 4 yrs on rental, the company went bust, and he receiced a letter from another compnay saying he needs to make payments to them now. He asked payment information, and never received it, now 2 yrs later they are writing to him asking him to pay what they are owed.

can he ignore letter as its too late or does he have to pay?


loops

dont ignore anything asking for payment - last thing he wants is a default on his credit rating. instead get in touch.

RichyRich

Seabrook Crisps Ltd
Seabrook House
Duncombe Street
Bradford
BD8 9AJ

Dear Sir or Madam

Since being very small I have been a loyal consumer of your crisps, shunning the likes of Walker’s, KP, Golden Wonder and certain corn-based pseudo-crisps in favour of the Bradford-manufactured flavoursome crinkle-cut god-like delights that come out of your factory.

Since coming to university almost a year and a half ago, whilst being unable to obtain your products locally, I have nevertheless been extolling their virtues to anyone who would listen almost constantly. Whilst this has earned me a reputation of being rather sad by the unconverted few I have to say that the response received from those lucky souls to whom I offered a packet from the box of 48 I purchased from your web site last year has been overwhelmingly positive.

Since then, I noticed that the Sainsbury’s supermarket in Cambridge has started stocking the Original variety of Seabrook Crisps and, whilst I cannot take all the credit for this, would like to think that I have had a small part to play in their decision to carry the crisp that the South forgot, both by promoting the crisp to my contemporaries and by filling in one of those Customer Comment forms that they have by the Customer Services desk, not only with my desire to see your product lines stocked but also detailing your company name and address so that they could source them with relative ease.

However, as I am sure you will be aware, the Original variety, whilst a very noble crisp, is limited in its flavour and I began to get (non-pregnancy related) cravings for your delightful Beefy and Salt & Vinegar flavours so, on a recent trip back to the homeland (Thackley) went to the local Morrisons (Five Land Ends) in order to stock up on some Beefy and Salt & Vinegar Crisps to keep me going through the remainder of term.

Imagine my disdain when I noticed that the familiar plastic packaging that I had come to know and love had disappeared and had been replaced by a foil alternative. I could no longer “See what I Bought”.

Whilst at school, I remember visiting the Seabrook factory on a school trip and clearly recall the tour guide informing us that there was a very good reason why the company didn’t use foil packaging. As time has passed and I have slept several times since then, the exact reason has escaped me. Don’t ask me why, but your crisps just are not the same when eaten out of foil.

It’s one thing removing your eccentric use of quotation marks from your packaging (which, might I add, earned you fame in the Museum of “Misused” Quotation Marks) but to go against your Plastic Principles and offend your army of loyal supporters by subjecting us to Walkers-style soulless foil is, frankly, sacrilege.

Due to this unforeseen change in our potato-munching relationship, it is my sad duty to inform you that I have no option but to boycott your products, and discontinue my (unpaid) promotion of them, until a reversion to the former plastic packaging is fully restored.

Yours in shock
RichyRich




Got a box of 48 packets of crisps along with this reply:



Dear Richard

Thank you for your letter received yesterday regarding our crisps packaging.

I can confirm that after extensive customer research, we are enhancing all our packaging and would like to take the opportunity to reassure you that this is a positive step forward.

They are the same delicious crisps as they have always been, but foil packets keep them tasting fresher, full of flavour and really crunchy for longer, ensuring they taste great from the moment they are produced to the moment you eat them.

We put all our products through rigorous testing and can assure you the tastte and quality remains of the same high standard. There is no change to the flavour, taste or consistence. You can now also find a more detailed breakdown of ingredients, providing you with greater nutritional information.

As result of the new packaging, more and more retailers are stocking the range, making it easier for you to find any of our nineteen great flavours.

Thank you for being a loyal customer and taking the time to contact us. Your feedback is very important and we do hope that when you taste the enclosed samples, you will continue to enjoy Seabrook Crisps.

Yours sincerely

Midmac

Its nice reading all these articulate letters My english has improved greatly while reading this thread.

Robert5686

mrbadexample wrote:

I do tend to look for a profit. If it takes me ½ hour to write a letter, and I get £20.00, that's £40.00 per hour. MUCH more than I can earn at work. I won't complain unless it's justified though. I have more, but should probably stop now.

And Gordon cant tax it either so its worth even more than your net pay per hour working!!!!!!!!!