Great Letters That Work Hunt

gerryco

Martin, you seem to have opened a can of worms here. While some contributions have been short and concise as you requested, there are a number who seem to want to impress with their verbosity.

Edge21

I used to work for NTL...this was the greatest complaint letter we've ever received (complete with "solid" attachments as you'll discover...) :rotfl:

Word of Warning- some strong language ahead...

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat a*s waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bo***ck jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were s**t, that they had attained the holy p**s-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b*st*rds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - w***ers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of [ahem!].

Signed
xxxxxxxxx

loopy_lass

OH no.... Edge 21.... thats the one i wouldnt put on here..... lol... thort martin may faint......

funny tho.....

loops x

Edge21

There is a fantastic website called Random Rant that includes some fantastic complaint letters. There are two in particular to look out for:

Early Learning Centre
Rapsons Coaches

Now if only I could complain like that...

duhelu

thanks to those who have informed and amused me with their letters above. If you are having problems with any company after having written to them I can recommend this free website. Companies tend to take complaints via this website pretty seriously and replies tend to be sent quickly.

http://www.howtocomplain.com

janjan

I have found that pretending to be a solicitors firm helps! I don't know if this is legal but my husband created letter headed paper and used his mothers address and made up the name of a solicitors, and wrote a legal sounding letter. This has worked for getting money back when a train did not turn up and we had to get taxis to get to Gatwick in time for our flight, getting a car insurance company to pay out when it had at first refused, and when a well know phone company tried to bill us for calls we had asked to be barred from making were made on our phone. I also find threatening CAB or Watchdog or local radio etc seems to be quite useful.
NB (CAB's will write letters for you if you are not able to do it yourself)

nemo183

If a company really gets me going, then I employ the following process:

1) Regardless of the complaint, send a recorded delivery letter to the MD of the company.
2) Keep it as short as possible.
3) (and this is a bitter pill to swallow)- don't rant. Just say how you have always been a loyal customer of the XYZ co, and now - and this is the crucial word - how DISAPPOINTED you now feel, having been let down.
4) Be specific about how they can put the matter right. Somethings are obvious - i.e. just send me my money. However, depending on the company, and how bad they have messed up, consider asking for something specific that will put things right - but only ever suggest something that is of value to you, but cheap for the company to hand over - i.e. something they sell.

Without naming names, in the last couple of years, 3 letters of complaint have not only got my money back or cash refunded, but also 1) a free mobile phone 2) a free portable CD player 3) £30 worth of grocery vouchers.

Just put yourself in their position - you send off an insulting rant, 'cos you're really hacked off, they go all defensive, and will do the minimum needed to keep you quiet. Alternatively, let them know how disappointed and let down you feel, and how specifically they can put it right - it's just human nature for them to want to help.

And just finally, when someone in a company does do something beyond the minimum, why not post them a quick "thank you" note? They must get so few, they'll feel good, and maybe a bit more receptive to helping their next punter?

beefyburt

Hello. My last two letters of complaint have both been sent to the highest person direct(their name and address usually on the company website) and has quoted passages from the Annual Report or Mission Statement. I even found quotes from the Chairman of one company from his address speech from the AGM. These letters are nomally passed onto someone else to deal with but it cuts out a lot of layers. And has worked both times. Always be factual, dont blab on, and be clear as to what you want and why you should get it. Dont ask for what you are not entitled to and never swear or be too angry. And dont give up. Good luck.

nemo183

Yep, you are so right. Go straight to the top. The MD's of some big companies (e.g. Justin King at Sainsbury's) havea policy of reading ALL complaints. Keep it short, fair and don't get insulting. But always say how they can put it right......

Jackie

If you are lucky the Chairman/MD will pass your complaint to his/her personal assistant/secretary to deal with rather than a customer services manager. PA's/secretaries can be much more effective than the CS manager because they have the boss's ear whereas the CS Manager may delegate your complaint or be defensive and pick a fight with you. :rolleyes: